"Unfortunately..."

...a word I am all too familiar with. It is almost guaranteed to be lurking within the first three to five sentences of a rejection letter from any given film festival, including the SENE Festival (South East New England, I think), the last remaining festival I was waiting to hear back from. I was not terribly disappointed, except for the fact that it is yet ANOTHER fest my friend Adam Bronstein's film, "My Movie Girl," did get into, and we kept hoping that we would get to screen together again (we met in Philly last year when we both screened there). But, I am very happy for Adam. For me, it was a small relief not to have to spend money on travel expenses for a fest, now that I am unemployed.

But far more unfortunately, this sinister word also jumped out of another envelope I received yesterday - this one from the Director's Guild of America, telling me I did not make it to the first round of in-person interviews for the program. I won't lie, that one hurts a bit more. Well, all right, I did just lie - that one hurts a lot more.

I opened this literally as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with some friends. I felt sick but I went out anyway. I really just wanted to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling and consider what my options are now and start making decisions about what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life, the next 3 to 6 months in particular.

It still makes the most sense for me to move to New York. But now I don't HAVE to do that by June. Now I can maybe take that extensive road trip I have been daydreaming about. I still have $400 worthof Shell gas cards sitting in my desk. that equals about 8,000 miles (highway) in my car. Not a bad start.

Well, I have a few weeks, maybe more if I go up to Mikey's cabin for the month of May, to figure things out. Right now I am wrapping my mind around purging my belongings. I sold one of my televisions a few days ago, and as I write this a woman is on her way to pick up a piece of Belleek porcelain I am selling. God Bless Craigslist. Though be careful if you use it these days, I have been BOMBARDED with people phishing for my personal info. Annoys the piss out of me.

I am in a mood, to be sure. Glad we don't have any filming and I don't have any personal plans for a few days. I wouldn't be pleasant company. I'll be fine. I have just been living in limbo for so long, I was really hoping for a solid plan for a couple years, in the DGA program. I just have to rethink things and approach them from a different angle. If I wasn't going to get into the program, I have said all along that I wouldn't even want to go to the first interview, wait a month, second interview, wait a month, and THEN get turned down. I'd much rather know now. And now I know.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

What's In Your Backpack?

I went to see, "Up In The Air," last night at the Landmark Theater in Harbor East with my friend Elizabeth. I do love that theater. Most comfortable seats EVER, a BAR, and you can take your drinks in with you!

Afterwards we went to Lebanese Taverna (I think that is what it is called) for some foodage. It was a fun night, but Elizabeth liked the movie more than I did. I left the theater wondering what all the fuss had been about. I mean there is subtle, and then there is boring. I think it would have been more interesting if it were totally indie-fied with an unknown but quirkier actor in the lead. And that is saying something, coming from me - I never thought I'd complain about looking at George Clooney for an hour and a half!

Maybe I just couldn't get into the story because it is too close to home at the moment. I just got "let go," for the first time in my entire life. Laid off, through no fault of my own (it says that in the letter - I didn't get a "packet")... no longer needed, no longer necessary. Even though I knew it was coming, even though it is "through no fault of my own", even though in some ways I couldn't wait for this to happen... it is still weird, scary, and a bit depressing.

Clooney's character, Ryan Bingham, flies all over the country as a hired gun - he fires people for a living. He loves being on the road, in the air, no strings attached. I can relate to that. I'll try not to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but you can probably guess that through a set of circumstances Bingham has to learn that grounded is good. Well, maybe it is, for some people. Maybe even most people. But, I don't know... it just seemed like conforming for the sake of conformity to me.

Bingham, from time to time, is a motivational speaker. "What's in Your Backpack?" He teaches people to lighten their load, cut their strings to both physical, tangible property that ties them down, as well as superfluous relationships. And I am on board with a lot of that. Maybe that is why through most of the film I was just like, "...aaaaand?" while maybe I was SUPPOSED to be shocked that this guy was shallow or clueless. I don't think he was either, though he definitely was lonely. One thing I am definitely not.

But I think one of the reasons I am not lonely, even though I am single, is because I don't waste time being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship - not just dating-wise, but friendships, too. That probably sounds more harsh than I intend it to. I just mean that I will take quality over quantity any day. I do have a lot of friends, fantastic friends, I am truly blessed. But I am not one of those that has over a thousand facebook friends so I can feel good about myself, I am not someone who every time I make a new friend I ditch all my other friends to spend time with the new one, until the novelty wears off. I am open to new friendships and relationships, but the purpose of that, to me, is to find something substantial. Not rack up my numbers.

Tonight I turned down dinner with my friend Greg (though I am going to see him Monday night) because I needed to start working through my belongings, deciding what I am going to try to sell, keep, toss. Lightening my load. I went through my Wedgwood collection (the pendant in the photo is one of the pieces I am selling) to see what I wanted to ditch. I collected Wedgwood for years, but even so, only functional pieces, for the most part, things I could use like jewelry, or trinket boxes ( to put the jewelry in). (One of my rules at Christmas with my family is, "Nothing I need to dust!") I have a nice little collection and some great pieces. But out of maybe 30 to 35 pieces that I own, I had to admit to myself that I am only emotionally attached to 4 or 5 of them. I started taking photos and putting them on Craigslist.

So now it is like a game, I look around and hack away at these weighty belongings with a machete of indifference. I am selling my wedding china. It is gorgeous, Lenox's Autumn pattern. But I haven't been married since the 90s. The early 90s.

I was a little hesitant to tell my Mom about selling the china, since she bought many of the pieces for me over the years. She didn't say much, but I am sure it annoys her a little bit, which is not my intention. I know that she is proud of me for carving out my own path in life, proud of what I have accomplished so far and where I am heading. She should be as proud or prouder that she raised a daughter (and a son for that matter, my brother is the same way) who is not materialistic. It is a long hike from Baltimore to New York. I mean that more metaphorically than I do literally. My backpack needs to be very, very light. I have a feeling a lot more is going to be going into it, very soon. I need to make room.