Chaos, Controlled and Otherwise

Hey there, sorry to have been a bad blogger, but have spent the last month wrapping up a huge chapter in my life (12+ years). It was a good run but I am happy to have moved on. In brief (more later), I have decided for the time being to remain in Baltimore. Great things are afoot here, and to move to NYC now just for the Cool Points would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I have been so busy between moving residences and moving pictures that I can't believe I ever had time for a job-job. I am now officially a freelance filmmaker (i.e., unemployed), and I couldn't be happier. I am breaking down scripts for other people's projects, consulting on productions from one-day shorts to feature films, this weekend I am actually shooting a long-lost scene for "Smalltimore,", next week shooting the final pick-up days for "Lamplight," and I am cooking up one or two shorts of my own for this summer, plus a feature to be shot over the next year, but I need to nail down some details before I talk much about that. So, extremely busy but I promise to give you a more detailed update soon. Need to sleep now, though. Tomorrow I am painting my new room. Presently it is a shade of dark pumpkin that is making me a little mental. Perhaps I'll have some before & after pics for you in the next posting!

Warding Off the PPD

[Driving around Lake Harmony last autumn, likely my temporary home in May]

It is 11:05p.m. on a Monday night, and I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything film-related today, and other than making a couple phone calls and/or emails, I don't have to do anything film-related tomorrow, either. It is quiet as a tomb (if a tomb had two little dogs sniffing around, and was located on a rather busy Baltimore street) in my apartment. It is nice. I got the whole way through a movie ("Stranger Than Fiction") without the phone ringing once or even beeping with a text message. Ah, bliss.

But it won't last for long - the quiet, not the bliss. Bliss comes in many forms, for a Gemini like myself. Wednesday I am finally back on the set with Steve Yeager's project, "The Rosens", filming in Towson Diner and Bel-Loc Diner. Should be good. Thursday and Friday, filming in D.C. on a new short written and directed by my friend Mark Aguirre, called, "Rock Creek". It is good to stay busy, though after "Rock Creek," wraps, I can't take on any other film projects until I move at the end of April. I have too much to do.

We wrapped principle photography on "Lamplight" Sunday night. It was bittersweet, at least to me, but I think to most everyone actually. We had a really good cast and crew, everyone got along beautifully and we had a lot of fun. We have a few more pick-ups, but we can only do one scene now, have to wait for Johnny Alonso to get back into town, probably in May, to finish the other shots. He is busy on several different projects all over the world (literally) between now and then, mostly with his television show "NASA 360" which airs on the Discovery Channel.

After knowing Johnny peripherally for a couple years (we know lots of the same people, but had never really worked together, just run into each other at various screenings) not only do we get to work on a set, but we get to be in a scene together, which we shot last night. Speaking as an A.D., Johnny is a total pro and a pleasure to work with, but speaking as a non-actor who had to act in a scene with him, I can't even explain to you how many extra miles he goes for the scene, and for the people he is working with. What am I talking about? Of course I can! That's what I do!

As I have said before, I am not an actor, but taking on a small role now and then helps to keep me on my toes and helps me to be a better director by putting myself in the actor's shoes. My role(s) in "Lamplight," however, were the first time that I was not playing myself or a character based on myself. It was concurrently more fun and more nerve-wracking that way.

I had three scenes total, two as the lead character Perry's mother in flashback scenes, which we shot earlier in production. In those scenes it was a very small set, and I was fairly comfortable though still a little nervous. We shot one scene Saturday night that was a hoot in some ways and horrifying in others. The horrifying part was that I had to say mean things about a little boy, and that really was not easy at all, but Jason walked me through it beautifully. The fun part was that I got to be in a scene with Regina Guy (now we have starred in two movies together, this and "The Red-Headed Menace"!), and also this hilarious, pure(in?)bred Baltimorean named Butchie. Zinnia Films made a documentary about Butchie called, "Southside Survivor," that hopefully will be screening within the year. I've seen some clips and it is fantastic. It was a treat to meet Butchie and play opposite him, even just for a couple lines. He had me and Regina laughing so hard it was difficult to do the serious part of the scene after he left, but we managed. Butchie (and a 6-pack of Natty Boh, and a couple shots of Amaretto) helped me to relax and I think I did all right.

During my close-up, at the end of one of the takes, I was laughing. I was a little bit drunk at this point, if I am to be honest. I told Jason way back in January after I read the script for the first time, that if it was all right with him, I'd rather actually be drinking than trying to act drunk, as I don't trust my skills that much yet. In the script there is some flashback stuff where the mother is laughing and I knew we would have to do that at some point. It is so hard to fake laugh without it seeming fake! But at the end of this particular take, I was really laughing, and Regina was sitting across the table from me. The camera was close on me, so it didn't matter what she did, she just couldn't make any noise. I knew if I kept it going, honestly laughing, that Jason would let me roll with it and then I wouldn't have to fake it later and have it be awful. Me laughing was causing Regina to laugh but she had to stifle it, which made me laugh even harder... which made her want to laugh even harder, which made me laugh even more than that, which made everyone in the room have to control themselves from laughing, which made me laugh so hard and so long before Jason finally yelled, "CUT!" that I am sure my face was turning red and I was breaking into a sweat. I even had a bit of a head rush and had a headache for a few minutes.

I don't know how it looks because I don't want to see it for awhile, and I especially did not want to see myself on camera before gearing up to do the scene with Johnny yesterday. Very rarely does any good come out of showing the actors their dailies (footage) before production is wrapped, in my opinion. If an actor asked me to see their footage, I would say no, so I was not about to break my own rules and ask to see it. Even when Dave was playing back some of it on his Macbook Pro the next day, I walked away so I couldn't see it. But I could hear them playing the part where I was laughing, and at least it sounded authentic, which it damn well should have! I almost busted a blood vessel!

Anyway, in my scene with Johnny, I play a bar owner that reminds him of his mom and he loses his shit on me. He blew up at me and it was great, and for his close-ups he looked totally insane. I think he freaked some of the extras out. When it came time for my close-ups, we did it once with Johnny feeding me his lines and it felt pretty good but I could feel myself anticipating too much and I was afraid it didn't look great. Plus, because of where the camera was, Johnny couldn't actually sit in front of me, so I had to look where he had been sitting and pretend I was looking into his crazy eyes like I was in the wide shot, even though he was standing a foot to the right of that spot. For the second take, I asked Johnny, I told him I needed him to really flip on me to get a real reaction, because this just isn't what I do. Johnny is always conscientious of the other actors in his scenes so I knew he would only take it as far as he thought I was comfortable with (which was still pretty far), but I also knew if I gave him license to totally freak on me he would bring it. He screamed at me like a maniac, and afterwards Jason said my reactions looked great. He honestly did shake me up a bit.

But now it is over, pretty much. It is good to have other projects in the wings, to ease me out of production mode day by day over the next two weeks, but "Lamplight" was really special, even to the point of me second-guessing myself about where I am going and what I am doing. Now I have even more, new, friends telling me they don't want me to move away, or telling me they are sad that I will be moving so soon after meeting me... and maybe even some who won't bother getting to know me better because I will be leaving so soon. It is only to New York, I tell them. It's really not that far.

That is what I have to keep telling myself, too. Damn my Gemini self. One part of me can't wait to launch a new adventure. My other internal half is hoping that something or someone will make it impossible to leave. I don't want to cop out due to my fears, and I do have some. I am starting to remember how I felt when I first came to Baltimore, not knowing one single person here, and leaving an incredible, tightly-knit group of friends behind in D.C. My first six months in Baltimore were excruciatingly lonely, and many nights I laid in bed wondering if I had made the biggest mistake in my life. There was nothing terrible in D.C., nothing that drove me out of there. I missed my friends so much sometimes it made me physically ill. But moving to Baltimore, did, in fact, turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Well, we shall see what happens. Nothing is in stone. But... I can't wimp out, either. I couldn't face myself if I felt I was wimping out. I am feeling very confused at the moment, and I am certain that Post-Production Depression is playing a part in that confusion. I have plans to go up to Mikey's cabin one weekend next month. I have to first drive to my hometown to bring some stuff to my Mom's for her to store for me. Then I am going to snag my best friend from high school, Lauren, and take her to the cabin with me, to get us each a weekend away from our respective responsibilities, as well as some fun time together, which we haven't had since last August. I think it will help me put things in perspective. Being at Lake Harmony always helps me to sweep the cobwebs and confusion from my brain, and at this crossroads in my life, I think it is most appropriate that Lauren come along for the ride, and even more appropriate that this getaway take place at Mikey's cabin. I have known Lauren for almost three decades; I have known Mikey for almost two. For all but a few years of that time, I have not lived in the same area as either one of them, but they are and I am certain shall remain for the rest of our lives, two of my very, very closest friends. I know what I want and I need to make some decisions about where the best place is for me to be, geographically speaking, to get it. I have to trust that a little thing like geography won't interfere with my personal relationships. They might take a little extra effort, but it IS only New York.

Nuff Said

[The only pic I took during my NYC visit last month. The wait was 90 minutes to go to the top of the Empire State Building so I just took this snap in the lobby.]

Ugh, sorry about all this whining lately. Feeling sorry for myself is not an emotion I am used to, it's kinda gross. I'm done now.

So, everyone keeps asking me, now what? Now that I have been stripped of my dreams, my heart wrenched from my chest, my --- oops, sorry, there I go again. Just kidding, really. I was very upset when I got the letter saying I was not getting into the DGA training program. But, my friend Greg bought me a pity dinner and my friends have been very supportive, and in some strange way it is another weight off my shoulders. Now I am totally free to carve my own path.

And since absolutely nothing is in stone, I can change the plan up on a whim. Right now I am thinking that I will first spend most of May up at Mikey's cabin, and maybe finally make that short that got cancelled last November. My birthday is on Memorial Day this year, so I need to be at a racetrack with friends on that day, it is tradition (especially after I won $2,700 at Charlestown last year on a $2 bet!)! Then we need to go back to the beach for the final scenes of "Lamplight". After that I think I will jump in my Mustang with my dogs and take that cross-country trip I was talking about before all this DGA stuff came up. And then, move to New York.

My friends keep telling me they don't want me to leave, which is nice to hear, but as they pull me closer to them with one hand, they push me out the door with the other because they all are excited about having a free place to stay in New York! I haven't completely ruled out staying in Baltimore, but it would take something amazing falling from the sky and into my lap. I keep saying that, and people ask me what I mean, what exactly would it take. It would take a film-related job with a decent salary and a future, room for growth, not just treading water. Something I couldn't say no to. If I settled for less than that, I feel like I would be copping out, because the thought of moving to NYC is a little scary. But, 12 years ago I came to Baltimore without knowing a soul and made it my own. 11 years ago I had never left the country, and now I know Paris like the back of my hand, and have crash pads from London to Budapest. New York is daunting, but that is the challenge of it. I can do it again.

But first, that road trip. I was talking about it to some people last night. When I see other people's eyes light up and they say to me, "That would be so cool!" I know I am on the right track. My plan may be in flux, but one thing is in stone: it is my goal, always, to have other people live vicariously through me :) . Somebody has to go out there and have adventures, I want it to be me!

What's In Your Backpack?

I went to see, "Up In The Air," last night at the Landmark Theater in Harbor East with my friend Elizabeth. I do love that theater. Most comfortable seats EVER, a BAR, and you can take your drinks in with you!

Afterwards we went to Lebanese Taverna (I think that is what it is called) for some foodage. It was a fun night, but Elizabeth liked the movie more than I did. I left the theater wondering what all the fuss had been about. I mean there is subtle, and then there is boring. I think it would have been more interesting if it were totally indie-fied with an unknown but quirkier actor in the lead. And that is saying something, coming from me - I never thought I'd complain about looking at George Clooney for an hour and a half!

Maybe I just couldn't get into the story because it is too close to home at the moment. I just got "let go," for the first time in my entire life. Laid off, through no fault of my own (it says that in the letter - I didn't get a "packet")... no longer needed, no longer necessary. Even though I knew it was coming, even though it is "through no fault of my own", even though in some ways I couldn't wait for this to happen... it is still weird, scary, and a bit depressing.

Clooney's character, Ryan Bingham, flies all over the country as a hired gun - he fires people for a living. He loves being on the road, in the air, no strings attached. I can relate to that. I'll try not to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but you can probably guess that through a set of circumstances Bingham has to learn that grounded is good. Well, maybe it is, for some people. Maybe even most people. But, I don't know... it just seemed like conforming for the sake of conformity to me.

Bingham, from time to time, is a motivational speaker. "What's in Your Backpack?" He teaches people to lighten their load, cut their strings to both physical, tangible property that ties them down, as well as superfluous relationships. And I am on board with a lot of that. Maybe that is why through most of the film I was just like, "...aaaaand?" while maybe I was SUPPOSED to be shocked that this guy was shallow or clueless. I don't think he was either, though he definitely was lonely. One thing I am definitely not.

But I think one of the reasons I am not lonely, even though I am single, is because I don't waste time being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship - not just dating-wise, but friendships, too. That probably sounds more harsh than I intend it to. I just mean that I will take quality over quantity any day. I do have a lot of friends, fantastic friends, I am truly blessed. But I am not one of those that has over a thousand facebook friends so I can feel good about myself, I am not someone who every time I make a new friend I ditch all my other friends to spend time with the new one, until the novelty wears off. I am open to new friendships and relationships, but the purpose of that, to me, is to find something substantial. Not rack up my numbers.

Tonight I turned down dinner with my friend Greg (though I am going to see him Monday night) because I needed to start working through my belongings, deciding what I am going to try to sell, keep, toss. Lightening my load. I went through my Wedgwood collection (the pendant in the photo is one of the pieces I am selling) to see what I wanted to ditch. I collected Wedgwood for years, but even so, only functional pieces, for the most part, things I could use like jewelry, or trinket boxes ( to put the jewelry in). (One of my rules at Christmas with my family is, "Nothing I need to dust!") I have a nice little collection and some great pieces. But out of maybe 30 to 35 pieces that I own, I had to admit to myself that I am only emotionally attached to 4 or 5 of them. I started taking photos and putting them on Craigslist.

So now it is like a game, I look around and hack away at these weighty belongings with a machete of indifference. I am selling my wedding china. It is gorgeous, Lenox's Autumn pattern. But I haven't been married since the 90s. The early 90s.

I was a little hesitant to tell my Mom about selling the china, since she bought many of the pieces for me over the years. She didn't say much, but I am sure it annoys her a little bit, which is not my intention. I know that she is proud of me for carving out my own path in life, proud of what I have accomplished so far and where I am heading. She should be as proud or prouder that she raised a daughter (and a son for that matter, my brother is the same way) who is not materialistic. It is a long hike from Baltimore to New York. I mean that more metaphorically than I do literally. My backpack needs to be very, very light. I have a feeling a lot more is going to be going into it, very soon. I need to make room.

Don't Let the Door Hitcha

Sorry no pics today. I am in New York and don't have the cord to connect my camera to Mikey's laptop. This post probably won't be too long because I have to get ready to go over to my friend Mark's (a.k.a. Ace, a nickname from high school. I never call him Mark) place in Murray Hill. Lucky me, he lives a block away from where I am taking the big scary test tomorrow! = extra sleep.

I'm not scared of the test, actually. Well, not THAT scared. From what I have gathered, it is one of those tests that you fill in the little circles with your number 2 pencil, and it is designed to measure your problem-solving abilities. Over 20 years in hotel management and a few in independent film, that's all I DO is problem solve. Should be fine. I'll be more interested to see how many people are there.

I am very nervous right now, but not because of the test. Too long of a story and the details are not important, but I thought I wasn't going to have to move out of my current apartment until at least June. Then I received an email from my boss last night telling me to be out by April first! I about had a cow. My apartment is huge, over 900 square feet, and I have lived there for 12 years. Do you have any idea how much STUFF I have? And I am not hoarder whatsoever! It just accumulates, you know? So I have loads to sort through and get rid of (yard sales every weekend in April, please come by and buy things!), and decide if I am going to rent a storage space or what. If I move to NYC, I will definitely only be able to afford a studio. That is going to be an enormous adjustment. I hate not having another room. Though one thing I am VERY excited about is that now I can have WINDOWS!!! My current apartment is in the basement and I get zero light.

Anyway, I talked them into letting me stay until May 1. But I still have a lot of work in front of me.

The whole thing is such an overwhelming hassle. I don't have a job so no one is going to want to rent to me. But it is hard to find a job if I am not living there! And it is SOOOOOOOO expensive. Easily one thousand dollars a month for a studio, plus of course a security deposit and if you go through a broker another fat fee on top of that. Figure on having $3K just to walk in the door.

So I don't know what I am going to do. I tell you what I am NOT going to do is move TWICE. But do I move to NYC May 1, or do I save a thousand bucks and crash somewhere in Baltimore for a month and move up there in June? I could really use a month to adjust. But I am unemployed a week from now, and I could really use that thousand dollars. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yea, CRAP.

BREAKING NEWS:

Just got my letter in the mail - I made it through the application stage of acceptance to the DGA (Directors Guild of America) Assistant Directors Training Program in NYC. This was actually the stage I was the most worried about. The next (2nd of 4) stage is that I go to NYC on February 20th to take a 4-5 hour written test. If I am one of the top scorers there, I am invited back in April for the first round of in-person interviews.

WOO HOO!

Thanks for your support, as always!

JC

Girl's Night, Games, & Gore

[Yes, that is crispy BACON topping the maple cream cheese icing on the maple bacon cupcakes that my friend Alvina brought over to Ladies' Independent Movie night at my place. If it weren't for men, and not being able to afford fitting my butt into anything other than coach class, I would eat these things EVERY DAY.]

Last Saturday night I had five of my female friends over for a Ladies' Indie Film Evening. We watched my friend Adam Bronstein's "My Movie Girl," and I'd say it was a hit with the crowd. In addition to writing and directing the film, Adam also was the lead. One of my friends, Elizabeth, had met Adam when he visited me a couple months ago. I think it is always extra cool to see people you know in the movies, and I think Elizabeth enjoyed the movie a little bit extra.

Monday, I finally, at the last possible minute of course, sent my application to the Director's Guild of America (DGA) Assistant Director Training Program in New York City. I can't even begin to explain to you how badly I want this. I was working on the set of, "The Rosens," last spring, and the gaffer/grip Grey Adkins told me about the program on our lunch break. It sounded far too good to be true. It is a two-year program, there is no tuition cost to the trainee, AND they give you health insurance while you are in the program. What's the catch? It is very stiff competition. Out of 250-300 applicants each year, they only accept 5 to 7. If you get past the application step, you have to go to NYC to take a written test in February. If you get past that, you go back in April for in-person interview(s). And if you get past THAT, you go back again in May for another, final in-person interview. If you are one of the very few they finally select, the program begins in mid-June and lasts for two years.

So now, we play The Waiting Game... I hate The Waiting Game.

The things Grey told me were true - no tuition, yes to insurance. In addition to that, the program is in large part on the job training. I would SO much rather be doing that than sitting in a classroom, so that was good news to me. They farm you out to film and television productions, and while you are working on the set, you get paid. I think it must be operated sort of like a temp agency. It's not a regular check, since sometimes you are on the set and sometimes not, so you'd have to get a part-time job to make ends meet in the Big Apple. Upon successfully completing the two-year program, you can join the union as a 2nd Assistant Director.

Everything about this program sounds like it is perfectly suited to me and what I want to do. By no means do I think I am a shoo-in, but I do believe I have as good a chance as anyone. Moving to New York would be a big deal, but I have been visualizing it for awhile now, and getting excited about it. To the point that I may do it whether I get into the program or not. Pleeeeeease don't think that I am anxious to leave Baltimore. If you've read much of my blog(s), let alone seen "Smalltimore," I hope you know how much I love this city. I don't think I could ever be the kind of person to say of any single place, though, "This is where I am going to spend the rest of my life." I'm a Gemini. That's how we do.

And speaking of my dual nature, I am super-stoked to tell you that it looks like I am going to have a (very) small part(s) in an upcoming horror short by Zinnia Films. Jason Koch is the writer/director. I met him at Cinelounge at the Creative Alliance. He had seen me in "The Red-Headed Menace" and the preliminary trailer for Charm City/Smalltimore and asked if I would do this little part. It is not many lines, which is good for me, but the really cool thing is, it is a dual role, so I get to play two completely different people. This to me makes it waaaay more fun than just doing a little part, which would probably just rack my nerves. It is actually a lot more about how I look than about the dialogue, so I can focus on that and not be so nervous. And also I won't have much responsibility on the set, so for once maybe I will be privy to all the behind the scenes gossip and drama, since I won't be the one in charge!

I have no aspirations at this late date to become an actor, but doing something small like this once in awhile, I believe, helps me to be a better director. It also builds my confidence, as I honestly find it quite scary, and it not so much forces me out of my comfort zone as it CATAPULTS me. I just met Jason, really, but I was comfortable with him right away and I am looking forward to working with him. I had a chance to see some shorts that Zinnia Films has done. They were very professional, I especially liked "Yard Sale." They have a good reputation, and one thing always leads to another. It is in pre-pro now, shooting in March-April. Can't wait to get on a new set! Even though I may end up covered in blood!