Go West... about 20 miles west.

I have completed Day 7 of my new full time job at an amazing company called SIMmersion. The more I learn about what they do, the more fascinated I am with the concept, let alone the development process, let alone the product. I won't go into detail about the work itself, but if you want to find out more about the company just google them, they have a website with some samples of their product.

The office is in a sweet suite in an office complex in Columbia, about 20 miles from where I live. The commute isn't bad, and I've been able to drive with the top down both ways every day since I started. Combine that with the awesome CD mixes I got for my birthday from my friends Jody, Alex, Kelly, and Paul (still waiting for a few, hmmm...) and it is actually a pretty damn pleasant way to start and end the day.

I love my office - I have my own - a real one, not a cubicle, with a great big frikkin' window. I stripped it down and rearranged the furniture, and when I have time to do so I will bring in a few pieces of artwork and maybe a small table to decorate, make it my own. On the first day, I thought, I am tempted to bring in my giant framed poster of Mae West (my personal hero), as the hot pink in the poster and the black frame would really pop on the plain white wall... but she looks really perfect on the wall behind my bed, too, so I'll figure something else out.

The people are wonderful, the work environment is peaceful but not at all boring, and the product is something to be proud of. I couldn't be happier. Well, I could be - and I will be, soon. The only thing about starting a new job is that I HATE to not know what I am doing. I want to know everything, and I want to know it all at once. A large part of the job is data entry into a complicated technical program that is mind-boggling to wrap your brain around, but it is what makes their videos so unique and so well done. I do find the whole thing interesting, but I am not exaggerating when I say that I am probably the most computer illiterate person in the company, so now, in the beginning, the learning curve is very steep for me. I'm not scared, though. I am actually very excited. Less than three years ago, I was staring down a similar barrel. At that time it was learning to edit in Final Cut Pro that was my challenge. What I am embarking upon now makes FCP look like finger-painting. But that's just fine. I love it.

It has seemed to confuse a lot of people who know me fairly well that I took this job. At first, Michelle, for example, seemed to think that it was purely desperation that drove me to it, that it wasn't what I really wanted to do. And some of the folks at my job check in on me now and then, asking me how it's going with this look on their face, as if they are waiting for me to get the crazy eyes like a caged animal. Especially with my friends, their confusion initially confused me. I didn't get why they didn't get it, how perfect this job is for me. I get to write, I get to solve problems creatively, I get to learn things I would never otherwise have access to, I get to travel and meet new people... I get to work in an air-conditioned building! As much as I love being on a set, most of my time as a filmmaker is spent on pre-production. Making phone calls, sending emails, begging favors, stretching dollars. When I finally do get to the set, I never, ever sit down, and 12 hours is usually a short day. I am not complaining about any of those things. They are challenging, but that is what I love about it. If it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing.

It took me awhile to realize, some of these friends only know me as Jeanie the Filmmaker. To them, that is what I do. When they introduce me to people, they tell them that I am a filmmaker. And to tell you the truth, I think that is supercool and it makes me very happy! But the people who know me absolutely best know that there is a lot more to me. I am a Gemini through and through, and along with that creative twin comes the logical twin. This job not only satisfies both sides of that coin, but is already challenging them both in ways that I never thought about. I have been shocked myself as to how easy it has been to get up in the morning! It gets my blood pumping.

My brother, Ted, and my friend Mikey B. seem to understand, and both have commented that this job appears to be tailor-made for me. My Mom gets it, too, but I think to her it is mostly a relief that I have health insurance again.

On Day Two at the new job, I bought my lunch in the deli that is on the ground floor of the building. While I waited for my sandwich to be made, I flipped through a magazine that was on the top of a stack in the window. Almost immediately I found myself looking at the same photo of Mae West that you see at the top of this post. Underneath her gorgeous face was one of her many famous quotes,

"Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often."

I looked around to make sure the deli lady wasn't watching, and I tore the page out of the magazine. It is now hanging on the corkboard in my office, staring me in the face when I sit at my desk and work on the computer.

Today on the way home from work, top down, I put in a CD that I had mixed for myself a few years ago. It is full of fun and empowering songs that are well-suited to a convertible, slick sunglasses, and singing very, very loudly. The opening song is very short, it is called "Reckless," and it is crooned by, guess who, my Guardian Movie Star. Backing up Ms. West's sexy, smoky alto voice is a soprano chorus that sounds nearly celestial...

"What'll you ever be? What'll you ever do? How'll you ever know if you don't take a chance?

You have got to gamble! With fate!

I wanna live long, learn a lot. I'll light my candle and I'll burn a lot!

You've had some bad shots! Hard knocks!

I'm on my own if I bruise.

And there'll be smiles here! Shouts here!

And I can take it on the chin if I lose. Because I'm reckless!

Because she's reckless!

Because I'm reckless!

Because she's reckless!

I'm gonna go places and look life in the face."

Resolve, Rekindled

[Me with Cici Carmen (lead actress) and Michelle Farrell (DP) at the premiere of Gone Forever (writer /director Jason Baustin) at the AFI Theater in Silver Spring.]

The last couple of months have felt a little... off. Some financial realities are setting in. I knew the winter months would be slow, but I was hoping by now, mid-April, I would have a few more summer projects set in stone. Michelle assures me that this is still the slow time, but she is also worried that the dawn of the DSLR camera may be costing freelancers like ourselves a lot of business. That may be part of it, but it takes a lot more than buying a camera to make a movie. I think that a larger part of the problem is that the economy still sucks. Making an independent film is, in some ways, a luxury. And in a bad economy, luxuries are the first thing to go.

Recently a project fell through that would have kept me both busy and paid for a few months. Not worth going into the details of it, and as a professional, I wouldn't anyway. Long story short, some things are more important than money. Things such as integrity, sanity, happiness, blood pressure, and my reputation as a producer. I take all of the above very seriously. Money to me is a well that always finds a way to refill itself. I always find a way to land on my feet.

A few weeks of stress was luckily followed by a few days of being reminded why I do what I do and that there are people out there who are glad that I do it. Friday afternoon I showed the rough cut of a new music video to a client, Tony Bonz, and he absolutely loved it. It was a very fun project to work on, and Tony put all of his trust in me, and Michelle, to manifest his vision into a tangible product. Though that trust helps to make a project go smoothly, in a way it adds more pressure to get it right. But also more satisfaction when you do!

Then yesterday I attended the premiere of "Gone Forever", a dramatic short by writer/director Jason Baustin that I was producer and AD on last fall. Jason really went all out. The premiere was at the AFI Theater in Silver Spring, a fantastic venue, and included a catered lunch for all attendees, as well as professionally packaged DVDs for cast & crew. It was so good to see all the friendly faces of the people with whom I spent 5 days in the trenches seven months ago. It was a very ambitious, challenging piece to make (more than a dozen locations in a 25 minute script, car crash, SFX, shot on The Red) but it all went pretty smoothly, with an ace group of cast and crew. Seeing two projects that I am very proud to be associated with come to fruition really eased the disappointment of the cancelled project, and shored up my resolve to follow my instincts.

At the premiere, a friend I hadn't seen since the "Gone Forever" shoot (we used a room in his house as one of our locations) told me that he just watched "Smalltimore" again a couple nights ago. To hear that, of course, would make me happy at any time, but the timing made it mean a little more to me. Also in the last few days, an actor who was in "Smalltimore" called me to order three DVDs he wanted to give to some people from WBAL who are interviewing him about something else, and Minas Gallery contacted me to bring them another batch of DVDs as they have sold all the ones they had in stock. Combined, these little bits of encouragement totaled the shot in the arm I was in need of at this moment.

A good friend of mine, whose job was making him absolutely miserable, called me earlier in the week to sound off. He was considering quitting his job without having a job, which is usually not advisable, but the work situation was truly effecting both his physical and mental well-being. Being a bit stressed about the flow of income myself these days, I hesitated, at first, to encourage him to quit. But I know him well enough to know that he had already made up his mind, and was looking more for support than advice. Life is too short, I said. I can't stress that enough, to anyone, ever. He turned in his resignation the next day and has been celebrating ever since.

Some things are more important than money.

Most things, actually.

What's In Your Backpack?

I went to see, "Up In The Air," last night at the Landmark Theater in Harbor East with my friend Elizabeth. I do love that theater. Most comfortable seats EVER, a BAR, and you can take your drinks in with you!

Afterwards we went to Lebanese Taverna (I think that is what it is called) for some foodage. It was a fun night, but Elizabeth liked the movie more than I did. I left the theater wondering what all the fuss had been about. I mean there is subtle, and then there is boring. I think it would have been more interesting if it were totally indie-fied with an unknown but quirkier actor in the lead. And that is saying something, coming from me - I never thought I'd complain about looking at George Clooney for an hour and a half!

Maybe I just couldn't get into the story because it is too close to home at the moment. I just got "let go," for the first time in my entire life. Laid off, through no fault of my own (it says that in the letter - I didn't get a "packet")... no longer needed, no longer necessary. Even though I knew it was coming, even though it is "through no fault of my own", even though in some ways I couldn't wait for this to happen... it is still weird, scary, and a bit depressing.

Clooney's character, Ryan Bingham, flies all over the country as a hired gun - he fires people for a living. He loves being on the road, in the air, no strings attached. I can relate to that. I'll try not to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but you can probably guess that through a set of circumstances Bingham has to learn that grounded is good. Well, maybe it is, for some people. Maybe even most people. But, I don't know... it just seemed like conforming for the sake of conformity to me.

Bingham, from time to time, is a motivational speaker. "What's in Your Backpack?" He teaches people to lighten their load, cut their strings to both physical, tangible property that ties them down, as well as superfluous relationships. And I am on board with a lot of that. Maybe that is why through most of the film I was just like, "...aaaaand?" while maybe I was SUPPOSED to be shocked that this guy was shallow or clueless. I don't think he was either, though he definitely was lonely. One thing I am definitely not.

But I think one of the reasons I am not lonely, even though I am single, is because I don't waste time being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship - not just dating-wise, but friendships, too. That probably sounds more harsh than I intend it to. I just mean that I will take quality over quantity any day. I do have a lot of friends, fantastic friends, I am truly blessed. But I am not one of those that has over a thousand facebook friends so I can feel good about myself, I am not someone who every time I make a new friend I ditch all my other friends to spend time with the new one, until the novelty wears off. I am open to new friendships and relationships, but the purpose of that, to me, is to find something substantial. Not rack up my numbers.

Tonight I turned down dinner with my friend Greg (though I am going to see him Monday night) because I needed to start working through my belongings, deciding what I am going to try to sell, keep, toss. Lightening my load. I went through my Wedgwood collection (the pendant in the photo is one of the pieces I am selling) to see what I wanted to ditch. I collected Wedgwood for years, but even so, only functional pieces, for the most part, things I could use like jewelry, or trinket boxes ( to put the jewelry in). (One of my rules at Christmas with my family is, "Nothing I need to dust!") I have a nice little collection and some great pieces. But out of maybe 30 to 35 pieces that I own, I had to admit to myself that I am only emotionally attached to 4 or 5 of them. I started taking photos and putting them on Craigslist.

So now it is like a game, I look around and hack away at these weighty belongings with a machete of indifference. I am selling my wedding china. It is gorgeous, Lenox's Autumn pattern. But I haven't been married since the 90s. The early 90s.

I was a little hesitant to tell my Mom about selling the china, since she bought many of the pieces for me over the years. She didn't say much, but I am sure it annoys her a little bit, which is not my intention. I know that she is proud of me for carving out my own path in life, proud of what I have accomplished so far and where I am heading. She should be as proud or prouder that she raised a daughter (and a son for that matter, my brother is the same way) who is not materialistic. It is a long hike from Baltimore to New York. I mean that more metaphorically than I do literally. My backpack needs to be very, very light. I have a feeling a lot more is going to be going into it, very soon. I need to make room.

Not So Ready for My Close-Up (but doing it anyway...)

[The glamorous life of an indie film director - Jason Koch dresses his own set for "Lamplight"]

Ten hours on the set Sunday, filming in Muggsy's Bar in Federal Hill. A long day, but a lot of fun. I brought in my favorite All Stars - Regina Guy, Unique Dowtin, and Joey "SuperJoe" Kasura. Put them together with Jason and Dave and their crew plus Johnny Alonso and superb cast... we couldn't have had a bad day if we tried. Knock on wood!

It was one of our longest and toughest days, so nice to get it out of the way early on. Shot some more on Monday, on our main set/studio with a smaller crew and cast. First we shot Gideon, our youngest cast member, DP Dave Morley's four year old son. He did a great job and he is absolutely adorable. Then we shot my first scene - I am actually in the movie. I think it went well, Jason seemed happy and we only ran it a few times. When I first got to the set, Jason laughed and said, "I've never seen you so dressed down!" which was actually a (back-handed) compliment because I was supposed to look rather white trash-y. One of the reasons I agreed to do the role was because (a) it was small, and (b) it is a dual role - I get to play two characters. When I was little, my favorite reruns - weren't they everyone's? - of "Bewitched," and "I Dream of Jeannie," were the ones where Elizabeth Montgomery and Barbara Eden played their own evil cousin/sister.

I would say this was my fourth time on camera in a role, and it is getting a little easier each time, though I would not go so far as to say that I love it. I find it more interesting than anything, and a learning experience that definitely makes me a better director. I have a great deal of respect for actors, even though I am still not certain that I will ever understand why the people who do it love it so much. I would like to understand that, truly. But though I have a lot of friends who are actors, I think at our respective cores we are very different people and I don't know that I will ever totally "get" it. I guess that is why they do what they do and I do what I do. Even though I don't understand every little aspect, it is still an enjoyable and symbiotic experience.

I will say that I was glad to get my scene over with early in the day, when it was just me, (Director) Jason, (DP) Dave, and Brendan (sound) on the set. I looked like a bum and my hair was awful. But that was part of the challenge of it, to swallow my pride and have this image of me, far from my finest, recorded for posterity, not to mention all time. I have been in the situation as a director more than once where one of my actors is having a hard time because they don't want to play the fool or look unattractive, as if the audience would believe that that is really who they are and they will be branded for life. But some of it is an ego thing and they simply do not want to look bad on camera. By doing it myself, now I know how it feels and how better to work with actors when I need to convince them to play their role more convincingly. I think it is really a challenge and I can't wait to see the final product. I didn't ask to see the dailies (today's footage), I knew I would cringe at how I looked. When Dave was setting up the shot I could see him filming me from the most unflattering angle possible so I asked Jason to turn the monitor so I couldn't see it. It was very hard not to put in my two cents and ask him to shoot from a different angle, but then I would be breaking one of my own hard and fast rules on the set: do your job, and only your job. If you are an actor, act. Don't tell the cameraperson or the director how they should do their job. An actor on my set who would do that would get the Look of Death from me in the blink of an eye. I had to follow my own rule.

I have to look crappy and tacky in another scene as the same character, and be mean and heartless, but in a third scene I get to look more myself, and slightly less mean and heartless, even though I cause another character to have a mental meltdown. Can't wait!

On The Air

Hey! Listen to me live on the air TONIGHT, 11:35pm east coast, 8:35pm west coast:

http://www.latalkradio.com/Cameron.php

Many thanks to Regina Guy for lining up this interview for me. Looking forward to getting some air time in LA LA Land!