Resolve, Rekindled

[Me with Cici Carmen (lead actress) and Michelle Farrell (DP) at the premiere of Gone Forever (writer /director Jason Baustin) at the AFI Theater in Silver Spring.]

The last couple of months have felt a little... off. Some financial realities are setting in. I knew the winter months would be slow, but I was hoping by now, mid-April, I would have a few more summer projects set in stone. Michelle assures me that this is still the slow time, but she is also worried that the dawn of the DSLR camera may be costing freelancers like ourselves a lot of business. That may be part of it, but it takes a lot more than buying a camera to make a movie. I think that a larger part of the problem is that the economy still sucks. Making an independent film is, in some ways, a luxury. And in a bad economy, luxuries are the first thing to go.

Recently a project fell through that would have kept me both busy and paid for a few months. Not worth going into the details of it, and as a professional, I wouldn't anyway. Long story short, some things are more important than money. Things such as integrity, sanity, happiness, blood pressure, and my reputation as a producer. I take all of the above very seriously. Money to me is a well that always finds a way to refill itself. I always find a way to land on my feet.

A few weeks of stress was luckily followed by a few days of being reminded why I do what I do and that there are people out there who are glad that I do it. Friday afternoon I showed the rough cut of a new music video to a client, Tony Bonz, and he absolutely loved it. It was a very fun project to work on, and Tony put all of his trust in me, and Michelle, to manifest his vision into a tangible product. Though that trust helps to make a project go smoothly, in a way it adds more pressure to get it right. But also more satisfaction when you do!

Then yesterday I attended the premiere of "Gone Forever", a dramatic short by writer/director Jason Baustin that I was producer and AD on last fall. Jason really went all out. The premiere was at the AFI Theater in Silver Spring, a fantastic venue, and included a catered lunch for all attendees, as well as professionally packaged DVDs for cast & crew. It was so good to see all the friendly faces of the people with whom I spent 5 days in the trenches seven months ago. It was a very ambitious, challenging piece to make (more than a dozen locations in a 25 minute script, car crash, SFX, shot on The Red) but it all went pretty smoothly, with an ace group of cast and crew. Seeing two projects that I am very proud to be associated with come to fruition really eased the disappointment of the cancelled project, and shored up my resolve to follow my instincts.

At the premiere, a friend I hadn't seen since the "Gone Forever" shoot (we used a room in his house as one of our locations) told me that he just watched "Smalltimore" again a couple nights ago. To hear that, of course, would make me happy at any time, but the timing made it mean a little more to me. Also in the last few days, an actor who was in "Smalltimore" called me to order three DVDs he wanted to give to some people from WBAL who are interviewing him about something else, and Minas Gallery contacted me to bring them another batch of DVDs as they have sold all the ones they had in stock. Combined, these little bits of encouragement totaled the shot in the arm I was in need of at this moment.

A good friend of mine, whose job was making him absolutely miserable, called me earlier in the week to sound off. He was considering quitting his job without having a job, which is usually not advisable, but the work situation was truly effecting both his physical and mental well-being. Being a bit stressed about the flow of income myself these days, I hesitated, at first, to encourage him to quit. But I know him well enough to know that he had already made up his mind, and was looking more for support than advice. Life is too short, I said. I can't stress that enough, to anyone, ever. He turned in his resignation the next day and has been celebrating ever since.

Some things are more important than money.

Most things, actually.

A Good Problem to Have

[Jennifer Swartout portrays Janis Joplin in the movie short, "Janis." Go to the Facebook page "Steel Corset Productions" for details and find out where and when YOU can see it!]

Hey there... another long spell of not blogging... I know, I suck, but it is just that I have been so crazy busy I have had no time or energy to write. But I really DO want to keep you in the loop! So please join me on my new Facebook page, STEEL CORSET PRODUCTIONS ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Baltimore-MD/Steel-Corset-Productions/169509529729209?ref=ts ).

There, in the soundbite style we have all become accustomed/addicted to, you can find out exactly what I am/have been/will be up to, and find out in a way timely enough so that you may actually attend some of these events instead of just hearing about the aftermath! Also I will be posting there whenever people like extras, interns, or production assistants are needed, so if you have always wanted to work on a movie set you will likely soon have the opportunity. I will also list calls for crew and actor auditions there, for my own projects as well as my filmmaker friends.

I'm going to try to be a better twitterer, too, but no promises there.

But become a fan ("like") Steel Corset Productions ASAP, because things are happening! Tomorrow night is the premiere screening of, "Lamplight," at the Wind-up Space, where you will also be able to see the very first teaser/trailer for Chris Lamartina's "Witch's Brew." And if you see a young woman that looks like a pretty version of Janis Joplin, that is my friend Jen Swartout who indeed portrays Janis Joplin in a short we collaborated on this summer that will be screening soon at the Creative Alliance. So, in a nutshell that is tomorrow night, you can see the fruits of my summer of labor. But you need to go to the Facebook page to get all the details, because it is a lot of info and, as usual, I am exhausted!

P.S. this does NOT mean I am completely abandoning the blog! I will post a link to it on the SCP Facebook page whenever I make a new post. I am heading to the Poconos for several days, so I very well may have some time to write!

DUDE...

"DUDE...," as I have come to know this phrase, is short for, "DUDE, you don't even KNOW..." Which is pretty much how I would describe my life to just about anyone these days.

I had a late lunch with the Director I am currently working with, Chris Lamartina. I got called, "Dude," quite a bit during that conversation. With most people of the opposite sex, I have a problem if they call me, "dude". But for Chris, I understand. I've been working with him for for about a month now on the set, and there are different inflections of dude-ism with him. Sometimes it means, "Really, dude, what the hell?!" Sometimes it means, "Dude, just work with me." And sometimes it means, "Dude, I'm pretty sure you know what I am talking about." For the most part, with me, I think so anyway, I get the latter.

Currently I am working as Assistant Director on Chris' latest flick, "Witch's Brew". I am having an absolute blast. I want to tell you all about it, and all about the half dozen other projects I am involved in at the moment, but honestly, I am just so frickin' EXHAUSTED. So that, being exhausted as a direct result of being busy, is why I am, at the moment, a horrible blogger. A good problem to have, methinks.

The bottom line, which I hope to have time to tell you more about, soon, is that I feel like things are working out the way I had hoped, and that my personal and professional investments are paying off. I can honestly refer to myself as a freelance filmmaker now.

There are some realities about that that are not so convenient, like not having health insurance. Sunday night on the set, I grabbed a piece of caramel candy from the craft services table. That 5 cent pice of candy cost me $120, after it pulled out a dental crown. But, whatever, things happen.

The larger picture is that I am... poor...ish... but ridiculously happy. I am not even exaggerating. DUDE. I mean, you can do things that pay the bills; you can do things that suit you; and you can do what you were meant to do. It does not bother me that I am finding out now that I should be doing this. I am not sure I would have been able to do it earlier in my life.

But seriously, Dude. I went out for dinner with friends tonight, and a few martinis later I am a bit loopy. Glad I could make a short post (I have been feeling guilty about it), but would love to chat more when I have the time as well as the cognitive fortitude. I don't expect you to stay sharply tuned, when I slag off and only post every once in a blue moon. But I will let you know if I ever intend to abandon it completely, so until then, check in with me once in awhile!

Toodles,
JC

Soaking Up The Sun

[Sunset on Lake Harmony. You didn't think I would be up at sunRISE, did you?]

I didn't really tell anyone I was coming up to Mikey's cabin, not even Mikey, until I was walking out my door, and he didn't get the message and get back to me until I was arriving at his. Friends with real estate are the best friends to have, I say. He's working, so he's not here, just me and the pups... and the chipmunks, who won't shut up, and the deer, who don't make a peep, and the rain, which makes a much different sound falling on soft earth than it does on harsh pavement. I needed this.

Just needed a few days of nothingness to clear my head and get some work done. On my plate: a contract to finalize with Michelle to grant distribution rights so that our short, The Red-Headed Menace, can be added as a special feature to her DVD of "Unraveling Michelle" when it receives distribution later this summer; a ballpark proposal to PM/AD a short over Labor Day weekend; reading through a 114 page script of a feature for a director who wants to shoot later this summer; wrapping my mind around the direction we need to go in for a sort of historical fiction short I am directing next month, for our rehearsal on Tuesday; ready a proposal letter for a major project of my own that needs to get off the ground in the next 2 weeks and will take at least a year to complete; finalizing a few details for shooting on Steve Yeager's feature, "The Rosens," our biggest and most important scene yet, on Saturday; and finally, Facebook blasting about Monday's Cinelounge meeting at The Creative Alliance. There would have been another feature script to read, but I haven't received the copy yet, so maybe next week on that one. Might need a second retreat to the woods!

My birthday was on Monday, so I had an awesome three-day weekend celebration. Saturday, went to a D.C. United game (first time to a pro soccer game) with a group of friends. My friend Elizabeth's boyfriend Paul is a member of a fan group called La Barra Brava. They are nuts, my kinda people! We had a blast. Sunday we went to the track, Charles Town, a birthday tradition. First time in four years I have not won "big" (apparently, the trick is to go ON my actual birthday), but still had a great time. And Monday, my friend Alvina hosted a birthday/Memorial Day cookout for me which was AWESOME and I have the tub of extra CoolWhip Sunshine Cake frosting to prove it!!! ...minus a few spoonfuls...

Some friends there, and elsewhere, have been asking, "So what about New York?" This is what I have to say about it, something I have thought a lot about: if I can make a living here in Charm City, doing what I love to do, in a city that I love more than any place I have ever lived or even any place I have ever visited, I will stay here. I don't need to be rich, I don't need to be famous. I need to be able to pay my rent, to feed and clothe myself, to afford to have a car and put gas in it, to socialize without regret, and to travel once in awhile. If I can do all those things comfortably, I would rather do that here than anywhere else on the planet. No kidding. If I won the lottery, yes, of course I would buy an apartment in Paris! But that would be my second home.

There are other things in the works as well, but I won't discuss publicly until they gel, for fear of jinxing them. Bottom line is, I am happy. I have moved out of the inn (where I previously worked/lived/got laid off from) and I now have a housemate in Charles Village, Lisa, who is awesome and will likely be mentioned in numerous blog posts (and immortalized in character in future film projects, because she is HILARIOUS - to the point I feel I should be legally able to write off my monthly rent as a business expense, as character research). Life is good. There is a line from a Sheryl Crow song that says,

It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got.

At the moment, I feel I have both. If that changes, I'll do something about it. But right now, if you don't mind, there is a chilled bottle of wine in the fridge singing to me its siren song...

Chaos, Controlled and Otherwise

Hey there, sorry to have been a bad blogger, but have spent the last month wrapping up a huge chapter in my life (12+ years). It was a good run but I am happy to have moved on. In brief (more later), I have decided for the time being to remain in Baltimore. Great things are afoot here, and to move to NYC now just for the Cool Points would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I have been so busy between moving residences and moving pictures that I can't believe I ever had time for a job-job. I am now officially a freelance filmmaker (i.e., unemployed), and I couldn't be happier. I am breaking down scripts for other people's projects, consulting on productions from one-day shorts to feature films, this weekend I am actually shooting a long-lost scene for "Smalltimore,", next week shooting the final pick-up days for "Lamplight," and I am cooking up one or two shorts of my own for this summer, plus a feature to be shot over the next year, but I need to nail down some details before I talk much about that. So, extremely busy but I promise to give you a more detailed update soon. Need to sleep now, though. Tomorrow I am painting my new room. Presently it is a shade of dark pumpkin that is making me a little mental. Perhaps I'll have some before & after pics for you in the next posting!

Back to Basics

[Me and my best friend from high school, Lauren, on our last adventure to the Football Hall of Fame, August 2009]

Man, I am wiped out. In the past 35 days, I have been on the set ten days on "Lamplight," including an overnight trip to Bethany Beach, 1 day on "The Rosens," 6 days on "Rock Creek," in D.C. (so add 3 hours of commuting time to each of those days), taught my Pre-Production class at the Creative Alliance, hosted the April Cinelounge meeting also at Creative Alliance, had two yard sales, read and reviewed a feature-length script for Michelle, and had a meeting with my friend Jen Swartout about a short she wants to do. And probably some other stuff I am forgetting. Good thing I am unemployed at the moment. Who has time for a job?

Have several meetings lined up in the next couple days, hopefully one or two that might lead to some paying gigs this summer. Baltimore does not seem quite ready to let me go yet. To make matters better/worse/more complicated, I keep meeting/working with cool people on the set that make me want to stay in the area so I can work on projects with them.

Of course, "Lamplight," as I have already told you, has been a blast, and we are not quite through yet. Have another day on the set with Jason Koch and the like on Tuesday, and another trip to the beach next month when Johnny Alonso is back in town. Jason and another person I met on his set, Mauricio Osorio, were kind enough to volunteer to work a few days in D.C. on my friend Mark Aguirre's project, "Rock Creek". It was great on those days to have someone with me on the long, irritating drive to and from D.C. I can't believe people do that commute every day! We saw so many car accidents, and Thursday night when Jason was with me we had to drive back in a torrential downpour. Jason and I have become great friends and we talk all the time now, and already have talked about working on several new projects together in the next few months. It has been fun getting to know Mauricio better also. He has had footage for a fantastic documentary in the can for several years now, and I am lighting a fire under him to get it finished. I am hoping he'll have a short or a trailer ready for the May Cinelounge, I'll tell you more about that as it comes together, but I am very anxious to see him finish it, I think it is going to be beautiful.

On the set of "Rock Creek," I have met even more folks that I want to work with again, namely Rob Benica (DP), Chip Burden (sound), and Jae Shim (grip/PA). Mark (writer/director) really challenged himself and the crew with this piece, we had a lot of locations, including federal parks, which are always a pain because you have no choice but to do things by the book, and some scenes that take place at Christmas so there was loads of set dressing. By our last day of shooting (though we have one pick-up day to go) on Friday, we were all getting a bit punchy, and since the actors had to do wardrobe and make-up in a separate location, it was more hurry-up-and-wait than usual. Most of the day we were in Rock Creek Park, which was lovely, if chilly, so sometimes it was myself and four guys sitting in Rob's car waiting for Mark to get back with the actors. Peppered in with the usual movie talk (comparing favorite flicks and arguing about best/worst films ever), the guys exchanged anecdotes about masturbation and who their first wet dream was about. Most of the time I enjoy being the only (or one of the few) women on a crew. Sometimes, not so much.

I wasn't really offended, though I stopped them before we got to that point. They are good guys and we had fun. At the beginning of the day, Rob told me that my job was to remind him to put the polarizing lens on the camera before we started shooting. Since I am not really a camera person, and I was likely to forget this, I wrote it on the palm of my hand. Somehow this turned into a "thing". Every once in awhile I would flash the palm of my hand at Rob, and he would shout out, "POLARIZEEEEER!!!" in this high-pitched voice. Just one of those stupid-funny things that evolve on a set when you need to distract and entertain yourselves, especially when things get stressful. It even made Mark laugh after the park police came by and kicked us out after threatening to arrest us because our permit had expired.

I am a little frustrated because of the three projects I have been working on, none of them is quite wrapped, and I really want to put them all to bed and move on. "Rock Creek," has a day left, "Lamplight" has 2 or 3 short days, and "The Rosens," probably has a solid 4 or 5 days of shooting to get everything in the can. Pile on top of that that I have to move at the end of the month and have had no time to myself or time to really pack because I've been so busy on these projects, and I am a bit stressed out. But, relief is on the way. Thursday I am heading to Pennsyltucky to visit my Mom and to drop off some things at her place that she is going to store for me, and then I am kidnapping one of my best friends, Lauren, to go up to Mikey's cabin for the weekend. I need to take some things up to Mikey's for storage also, but mostly I just need some distance from my life so I can get some perspective on everything. I am feeling a bit muddled at the moment.

Right now it is looking like, once I vacate my apartment at the end of the month, I am going to stay at the cabin for about 6 weeks, but come back to Baltimore several times to finish up some projects and to spend my birthday with my friends. I'm still in Baltimore the first week of May, though, as I will be hosting Cinelounge again so I am crashing at my friend Elizabeth's for a few days. I don't know if I am going to hang around for the Maryland Film Festival or not. I want to and I should, but I guess I will play that by ear. I am anxious to get to the cabin and clear my head. This weekend there with Lauren will dust away some of the cobwebs, but it is also about catching up with her and having fun, giving her a break from her daily responsibilities of house/husband/kids, not time totally to myself, which I will very much be in need of by next month.

It seems I will be working on a one-day shoot with my friend Jen Swartout around June 6, and my friend Ronnie Goodwin from Glasgow will be in NYC on June 2, with his short titled, "Shooter," in a film festival up there, so I want to go to NYC again to catch him there (I am going to NYC this month also, to see Bentley's piece in a group exhibit called "Dead or Alive" at the Museum of Art & Design). But I think New York is going to have to wait a little longer for me. After Jen's shoot, I am still determined to take my cross-country road trip. Depending on if/when the paying gigs this summer start will determine how long the trip will be and when I need to return to Charm City. I am hoping that they will carry me through September, then at the end of that month I am going back to the Outer Banks for a week with the same friends I traveled with last year. Last night I handed my friend Alvina the $500 I made from my yard sales, so that even if I am living in a cardboard box by then, I am going on vacation at the end of September!

So long story short, absolutely nothing is in stone, and I am not really worried about it. I am looking forward to having all my wordly belongings packed up in a POD and spirited away, and only having my dogs and a couple suitcases of clothing to worry about. Right now I am feeling every ounce of my possessions weighing on my shoulders. I just want them to be away from me so I can concentrate on what will truly make me happy. I am always pretty happy, but I feel like I am about to experience a sense of freedom that I have never fully felt before, and I am anxious to get on with it. I am also very much looking forward to my weekend at my dear friend Mikey's cabin in the Poconos with my dear friend Lauren. Like I've said before, it is a good reminder to me that if you love someone and they love you, geography doesn't mean a thing. C'est vrai.

Warding Off the PPD

[Driving around Lake Harmony last autumn, likely my temporary home in May]

It is 11:05p.m. on a Monday night, and I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything film-related today, and other than making a couple phone calls and/or emails, I don't have to do anything film-related tomorrow, either. It is quiet as a tomb (if a tomb had two little dogs sniffing around, and was located on a rather busy Baltimore street) in my apartment. It is nice. I got the whole way through a movie ("Stranger Than Fiction") without the phone ringing once or even beeping with a text message. Ah, bliss.

But it won't last for long - the quiet, not the bliss. Bliss comes in many forms, for a Gemini like myself. Wednesday I am finally back on the set with Steve Yeager's project, "The Rosens", filming in Towson Diner and Bel-Loc Diner. Should be good. Thursday and Friday, filming in D.C. on a new short written and directed by my friend Mark Aguirre, called, "Rock Creek". It is good to stay busy, though after "Rock Creek," wraps, I can't take on any other film projects until I move at the end of April. I have too much to do.

We wrapped principle photography on "Lamplight" Sunday night. It was bittersweet, at least to me, but I think to most everyone actually. We had a really good cast and crew, everyone got along beautifully and we had a lot of fun. We have a few more pick-ups, but we can only do one scene now, have to wait for Johnny Alonso to get back into town, probably in May, to finish the other shots. He is busy on several different projects all over the world (literally) between now and then, mostly with his television show "NASA 360" which airs on the Discovery Channel.

After knowing Johnny peripherally for a couple years (we know lots of the same people, but had never really worked together, just run into each other at various screenings) not only do we get to work on a set, but we get to be in a scene together, which we shot last night. Speaking as an A.D., Johnny is a total pro and a pleasure to work with, but speaking as a non-actor who had to act in a scene with him, I can't even explain to you how many extra miles he goes for the scene, and for the people he is working with. What am I talking about? Of course I can! That's what I do!

As I have said before, I am not an actor, but taking on a small role now and then helps to keep me on my toes and helps me to be a better director by putting myself in the actor's shoes. My role(s) in "Lamplight," however, were the first time that I was not playing myself or a character based on myself. It was concurrently more fun and more nerve-wracking that way.

I had three scenes total, two as the lead character Perry's mother in flashback scenes, which we shot earlier in production. In those scenes it was a very small set, and I was fairly comfortable though still a little nervous. We shot one scene Saturday night that was a hoot in some ways and horrifying in others. The horrifying part was that I had to say mean things about a little boy, and that really was not easy at all, but Jason walked me through it beautifully. The fun part was that I got to be in a scene with Regina Guy (now we have starred in two movies together, this and "The Red-Headed Menace"!), and also this hilarious, pure(in?)bred Baltimorean named Butchie. Zinnia Films made a documentary about Butchie called, "Southside Survivor," that hopefully will be screening within the year. I've seen some clips and it is fantastic. It was a treat to meet Butchie and play opposite him, even just for a couple lines. He had me and Regina laughing so hard it was difficult to do the serious part of the scene after he left, but we managed. Butchie (and a 6-pack of Natty Boh, and a couple shots of Amaretto) helped me to relax and I think I did all right.

During my close-up, at the end of one of the takes, I was laughing. I was a little bit drunk at this point, if I am to be honest. I told Jason way back in January after I read the script for the first time, that if it was all right with him, I'd rather actually be drinking than trying to act drunk, as I don't trust my skills that much yet. In the script there is some flashback stuff where the mother is laughing and I knew we would have to do that at some point. It is so hard to fake laugh without it seeming fake! But at the end of this particular take, I was really laughing, and Regina was sitting across the table from me. The camera was close on me, so it didn't matter what she did, she just couldn't make any noise. I knew if I kept it going, honestly laughing, that Jason would let me roll with it and then I wouldn't have to fake it later and have it be awful. Me laughing was causing Regina to laugh but she had to stifle it, which made me laugh even harder... which made her want to laugh even harder, which made me laugh even more than that, which made everyone in the room have to control themselves from laughing, which made me laugh so hard and so long before Jason finally yelled, "CUT!" that I am sure my face was turning red and I was breaking into a sweat. I even had a bit of a head rush and had a headache for a few minutes.

I don't know how it looks because I don't want to see it for awhile, and I especially did not want to see myself on camera before gearing up to do the scene with Johnny yesterday. Very rarely does any good come out of showing the actors their dailies (footage) before production is wrapped, in my opinion. If an actor asked me to see their footage, I would say no, so I was not about to break my own rules and ask to see it. Even when Dave was playing back some of it on his Macbook Pro the next day, I walked away so I couldn't see it. But I could hear them playing the part where I was laughing, and at least it sounded authentic, which it damn well should have! I almost busted a blood vessel!

Anyway, in my scene with Johnny, I play a bar owner that reminds him of his mom and he loses his shit on me. He blew up at me and it was great, and for his close-ups he looked totally insane. I think he freaked some of the extras out. When it came time for my close-ups, we did it once with Johnny feeding me his lines and it felt pretty good but I could feel myself anticipating too much and I was afraid it didn't look great. Plus, because of where the camera was, Johnny couldn't actually sit in front of me, so I had to look where he had been sitting and pretend I was looking into his crazy eyes like I was in the wide shot, even though he was standing a foot to the right of that spot. For the second take, I asked Johnny, I told him I needed him to really flip on me to get a real reaction, because this just isn't what I do. Johnny is always conscientious of the other actors in his scenes so I knew he would only take it as far as he thought I was comfortable with (which was still pretty far), but I also knew if I gave him license to totally freak on me he would bring it. He screamed at me like a maniac, and afterwards Jason said my reactions looked great. He honestly did shake me up a bit.

But now it is over, pretty much. It is good to have other projects in the wings, to ease me out of production mode day by day over the next two weeks, but "Lamplight" was really special, even to the point of me second-guessing myself about where I am going and what I am doing. Now I have even more, new, friends telling me they don't want me to move away, or telling me they are sad that I will be moving so soon after meeting me... and maybe even some who won't bother getting to know me better because I will be leaving so soon. It is only to New York, I tell them. It's really not that far.

That is what I have to keep telling myself, too. Damn my Gemini self. One part of me can't wait to launch a new adventure. My other internal half is hoping that something or someone will make it impossible to leave. I don't want to cop out due to my fears, and I do have some. I am starting to remember how I felt when I first came to Baltimore, not knowing one single person here, and leaving an incredible, tightly-knit group of friends behind in D.C. My first six months in Baltimore were excruciatingly lonely, and many nights I laid in bed wondering if I had made the biggest mistake in my life. There was nothing terrible in D.C., nothing that drove me out of there. I missed my friends so much sometimes it made me physically ill. But moving to Baltimore, did, in fact, turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Well, we shall see what happens. Nothing is in stone. But... I can't wimp out, either. I couldn't face myself if I felt I was wimping out. I am feeling very confused at the moment, and I am certain that Post-Production Depression is playing a part in that confusion. I have plans to go up to Mikey's cabin one weekend next month. I have to first drive to my hometown to bring some stuff to my Mom's for her to store for me. Then I am going to snag my best friend from high school, Lauren, and take her to the cabin with me, to get us each a weekend away from our respective responsibilities, as well as some fun time together, which we haven't had since last August. I think it will help me put things in perspective. Being at Lake Harmony always helps me to sweep the cobwebs and confusion from my brain, and at this crossroads in my life, I think it is most appropriate that Lauren come along for the ride, and even more appropriate that this getaway take place at Mikey's cabin. I have known Lauren for almost three decades; I have known Mikey for almost two. For all but a few years of that time, I have not lived in the same area as either one of them, but they are and I am certain shall remain for the rest of our lives, two of my very, very closest friends. I know what I want and I need to make some decisions about where the best place is for me to be, geographically speaking, to get it. I have to trust that a little thing like geography won't interfere with my personal relationships. They might take a little extra effort, but it IS only New York.

Nuff Said

[The only pic I took during my NYC visit last month. The wait was 90 minutes to go to the top of the Empire State Building so I just took this snap in the lobby.]

Ugh, sorry about all this whining lately. Feeling sorry for myself is not an emotion I am used to, it's kinda gross. I'm done now.

So, everyone keeps asking me, now what? Now that I have been stripped of my dreams, my heart wrenched from my chest, my --- oops, sorry, there I go again. Just kidding, really. I was very upset when I got the letter saying I was not getting into the DGA training program. But, my friend Greg bought me a pity dinner and my friends have been very supportive, and in some strange way it is another weight off my shoulders. Now I am totally free to carve my own path.

And since absolutely nothing is in stone, I can change the plan up on a whim. Right now I am thinking that I will first spend most of May up at Mikey's cabin, and maybe finally make that short that got cancelled last November. My birthday is on Memorial Day this year, so I need to be at a racetrack with friends on that day, it is tradition (especially after I won $2,700 at Charlestown last year on a $2 bet!)! Then we need to go back to the beach for the final scenes of "Lamplight". After that I think I will jump in my Mustang with my dogs and take that cross-country trip I was talking about before all this DGA stuff came up. And then, move to New York.

My friends keep telling me they don't want me to leave, which is nice to hear, but as they pull me closer to them with one hand, they push me out the door with the other because they all are excited about having a free place to stay in New York! I haven't completely ruled out staying in Baltimore, but it would take something amazing falling from the sky and into my lap. I keep saying that, and people ask me what I mean, what exactly would it take. It would take a film-related job with a decent salary and a future, room for growth, not just treading water. Something I couldn't say no to. If I settled for less than that, I feel like I would be copping out, because the thought of moving to NYC is a little scary. But, 12 years ago I came to Baltimore without knowing a soul and made it my own. 11 years ago I had never left the country, and now I know Paris like the back of my hand, and have crash pads from London to Budapest. New York is daunting, but that is the challenge of it. I can do it again.

But first, that road trip. I was talking about it to some people last night. When I see other people's eyes light up and they say to me, "That would be so cool!" I know I am on the right track. My plan may be in flux, but one thing is in stone: it is my goal, always, to have other people live vicariously through me :) . Somebody has to go out there and have adventures, I want it to be me!

"Unfortunately..."

...a word I am all too familiar with. It is almost guaranteed to be lurking within the first three to five sentences of a rejection letter from any given film festival, including the SENE Festival (South East New England, I think), the last remaining festival I was waiting to hear back from. I was not terribly disappointed, except for the fact that it is yet ANOTHER fest my friend Adam Bronstein's film, "My Movie Girl," did get into, and we kept hoping that we would get to screen together again (we met in Philly last year when we both screened there). But, I am very happy for Adam. For me, it was a small relief not to have to spend money on travel expenses for a fest, now that I am unemployed.

But far more unfortunately, this sinister word also jumped out of another envelope I received yesterday - this one from the Director's Guild of America, telling me I did not make it to the first round of in-person interviews for the program. I won't lie, that one hurts a bit more. Well, all right, I did just lie - that one hurts a lot more.

I opened this literally as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with some friends. I felt sick but I went out anyway. I really just wanted to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling and consider what my options are now and start making decisions about what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life, the next 3 to 6 months in particular.

It still makes the most sense for me to move to New York. But now I don't HAVE to do that by June. Now I can maybe take that extensive road trip I have been daydreaming about. I still have $400 worthof Shell gas cards sitting in my desk. that equals about 8,000 miles (highway) in my car. Not a bad start.

Well, I have a few weeks, maybe more if I go up to Mikey's cabin for the month of May, to figure things out. Right now I am wrapping my mind around purging my belongings. I sold one of my televisions a few days ago, and as I write this a woman is on her way to pick up a piece of Belleek porcelain I am selling. God Bless Craigslist. Though be careful if you use it these days, I have been BOMBARDED with people phishing for my personal info. Annoys the piss out of me.

I am in a mood, to be sure. Glad we don't have any filming and I don't have any personal plans for a few days. I wouldn't be pleasant company. I'll be fine. I have just been living in limbo for so long, I was really hoping for a solid plan for a couple years, in the DGA program. I just have to rethink things and approach them from a different angle. If I wasn't going to get into the program, I have said all along that I wouldn't even want to go to the first interview, wait a month, second interview, wait a month, and THEN get turned down. I'd much rather know now. And now I know.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

Not So Ready for My Close-Up (but doing it anyway...)

[The glamorous life of an indie film director - Jason Koch dresses his own set for "Lamplight"]

Ten hours on the set Sunday, filming in Muggsy's Bar in Federal Hill. A long day, but a lot of fun. I brought in my favorite All Stars - Regina Guy, Unique Dowtin, and Joey "SuperJoe" Kasura. Put them together with Jason and Dave and their crew plus Johnny Alonso and superb cast... we couldn't have had a bad day if we tried. Knock on wood!

It was one of our longest and toughest days, so nice to get it out of the way early on. Shot some more on Monday, on our main set/studio with a smaller crew and cast. First we shot Gideon, our youngest cast member, DP Dave Morley's four year old son. He did a great job and he is absolutely adorable. Then we shot my first scene - I am actually in the movie. I think it went well, Jason seemed happy and we only ran it a few times. When I first got to the set, Jason laughed and said, "I've never seen you so dressed down!" which was actually a (back-handed) compliment because I was supposed to look rather white trash-y. One of the reasons I agreed to do the role was because (a) it was small, and (b) it is a dual role - I get to play two characters. When I was little, my favorite reruns - weren't they everyone's? - of "Bewitched," and "I Dream of Jeannie," were the ones where Elizabeth Montgomery and Barbara Eden played their own evil cousin/sister.

I would say this was my fourth time on camera in a role, and it is getting a little easier each time, though I would not go so far as to say that I love it. I find it more interesting than anything, and a learning experience that definitely makes me a better director. I have a great deal of respect for actors, even though I am still not certain that I will ever understand why the people who do it love it so much. I would like to understand that, truly. But though I have a lot of friends who are actors, I think at our respective cores we are very different people and I don't know that I will ever totally "get" it. I guess that is why they do what they do and I do what I do. Even though I don't understand every little aspect, it is still an enjoyable and symbiotic experience.

I will say that I was glad to get my scene over with early in the day, when it was just me, (Director) Jason, (DP) Dave, and Brendan (sound) on the set. I looked like a bum and my hair was awful. But that was part of the challenge of it, to swallow my pride and have this image of me, far from my finest, recorded for posterity, not to mention all time. I have been in the situation as a director more than once where one of my actors is having a hard time because they don't want to play the fool or look unattractive, as if the audience would believe that that is really who they are and they will be branded for life. But some of it is an ego thing and they simply do not want to look bad on camera. By doing it myself, now I know how it feels and how better to work with actors when I need to convince them to play their role more convincingly. I think it is really a challenge and I can't wait to see the final product. I didn't ask to see the dailies (today's footage), I knew I would cringe at how I looked. When Dave was setting up the shot I could see him filming me from the most unflattering angle possible so I asked Jason to turn the monitor so I couldn't see it. It was very hard not to put in my two cents and ask him to shoot from a different angle, but then I would be breaking one of my own hard and fast rules on the set: do your job, and only your job. If you are an actor, act. Don't tell the cameraperson or the director how they should do their job. An actor on my set who would do that would get the Look of Death from me in the blink of an eye. I had to follow my own rule.

I have to look crappy and tacky in another scene as the same character, and be mean and heartless, but in a third scene I get to look more myself, and slightly less mean and heartless, even though I cause another character to have a mental meltdown. Can't wait!

And We're Rolling!

[Me having a fake fight with Director Jason Koch on Day 1 of shooting in Ocean City. DP Dave Morley has dubbed us, "Bad Cop, Worse Cop." Guess which one I am? Photo by Johnny Alonso.]

Hurray! It is good to be back on the set. Especially when being on the set includes spending a night at my Uncle Paul's in Bethany Beach so that we could be in Ocean City semi-bright & early. Jason and I went out Wednesday night, DP Dave Morley and our lead Johnny Alonso met us in Ocean City at 9:00am Thursday. We shot for a couple hours, just moody stuff of Johnny by himself on the beach. It was pretty cool being in Ocean City while it was a ghost town.

Had some lunch then our convoy dispersed to reassemble 3 hours later at Gunpowder Falls near Baltimore for more shots of Johnny alone, but this time in the woods. We were done before 5:00pm. Maryland is such a great place to make a movie. We have it all - beach, woods, mountains, city, farmland, the bay... pretty much everything but desert!

I have to make this short because I should have already put out call sheets for Monday and Wednesday. There are only a few of us on those days, but tomorrow is a big shooting day at a bar in Federal Hill, and I don't think we have enough extras so I better get to work. My first week of unemployment and I am busier than I have been in months! And happier, too.

Raising the Bar

[Regina Guy and a mysterious stranger at the premiere of the Chris LaMartina's local indie horror "President's Day" at The Charles Theater.]

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the last three weeks of February.

Well, you already know about most of the bad stuff, if not all of it. These days, pretty much the bad stuff is related to my job-job, and the good stuff is related to filmmaking. So I suppose that should be telling me something. Only a few more days left at the job-job, so the bad stuff should, in theory, be going away, except for that pesky bit about, you know, not having a job. And needing to find new digs.

So let's talk about the good stuff. Something I am really happy about is that I got to see TWO great local indies back to back recently, Chris LaMartina's horror "President's Day," at the Charles last Monday (President's Day :) ), and a (not so) rough cut of Stratatek Studios drama, "Heaven Burns," at Towson this Monday. I really enjoyed both, and if you have the chance to see them I highly recommend that you do.

I love seeing what other local people are doing, but I'll tell you, if you go in there blind (not having seen a sneak peek somehow from someone who had a copy of a screener) sometimes you find yourself thinking of diplomatic things to say in case it sucked and you run into the filmmaker at the afterparty. Not a problem this month! I'll be honest with you, filmmakers, like any other artists, judge themselves against each other, and anyone who tells you that they don't is a liar. So, yea, sometimes it is painful (in certain cases even excruciating), but at least as a filmmaker you can come out of the theater feeling good about yourself. I am sure there are filmmakers that have seen my movie and it wasn't their cup of tea, and they felt better about themselves. It is unavoidable. There will always be people that do what you do better than you do it, and those who don't do it as well. What you do with your opinions of other people's work, in my opinion, is what determines your own karmic future. One thing is universal - even if it is a very, very bad movie - a lot of hard work went into it, and anyone who has made a movie knows this.

What is very cool at the moment is that in the short 2+ years that I have been in the midst of all this, I think that the quality of Baltimore indies has gone WAY up. Seeing films like, "Heaven Burns," and, "President's Day," makes me feel that the bar has been raised, and I have noticed that less of the crappy stuff has been getting as far as a big screen. That may sound harsh, but I have seen some VERY bad vanity pieces that should never have made it past the filmmaker's family living room, and in some cases I even spent $10 to do so. And that just pisses me off.

It is less than a week until we start filming the new Zinnia Films horror short, "Lamplight," and I am so excited about it. Writer/Director Jason Koch is meticulous AND the real deal special effects guy. I am probably not going to even be able to watch half of the finished movie because the gore will ring so true. The cast, the crew, the script, the locations, the SFX, even the soundtrack, everything about this production is really strong and I know the final product is going to be outstanding. And Jason and his business partner/Director of Photography David Morley have been doing this stuff for a living for years now, and they are all about the turnaround time. No waiting for three years to see the movie!

Ugh, have to go do some work-work now, I have a lot of loose ends to tie up in my final hours. March is almost completely tied up for me, between working on, "Lamplight with Jason & Dave, and finishing up, "The Rosens," with Steve Yeager. After that I guess I better concentrate on finding a job-job again. I see a lot of pasta dinners in my future.

Don't Let the Door Hitcha

Sorry no pics today. I am in New York and don't have the cord to connect my camera to Mikey's laptop. This post probably won't be too long because I have to get ready to go over to my friend Mark's (a.k.a. Ace, a nickname from high school. I never call him Mark) place in Murray Hill. Lucky me, he lives a block away from where I am taking the big scary test tomorrow! = extra sleep.

I'm not scared of the test, actually. Well, not THAT scared. From what I have gathered, it is one of those tests that you fill in the little circles with your number 2 pencil, and it is designed to measure your problem-solving abilities. Over 20 years in hotel management and a few in independent film, that's all I DO is problem solve. Should be fine. I'll be more interested to see how many people are there.

I am very nervous right now, but not because of the test. Too long of a story and the details are not important, but I thought I wasn't going to have to move out of my current apartment until at least June. Then I received an email from my boss last night telling me to be out by April first! I about had a cow. My apartment is huge, over 900 square feet, and I have lived there for 12 years. Do you have any idea how much STUFF I have? And I am not hoarder whatsoever! It just accumulates, you know? So I have loads to sort through and get rid of (yard sales every weekend in April, please come by and buy things!), and decide if I am going to rent a storage space or what. If I move to NYC, I will definitely only be able to afford a studio. That is going to be an enormous adjustment. I hate not having another room. Though one thing I am VERY excited about is that now I can have WINDOWS!!! My current apartment is in the basement and I get zero light.

Anyway, I talked them into letting me stay until May 1. But I still have a lot of work in front of me.

The whole thing is such an overwhelming hassle. I don't have a job so no one is going to want to rent to me. But it is hard to find a job if I am not living there! And it is SOOOOOOOO expensive. Easily one thousand dollars a month for a studio, plus of course a security deposit and if you go through a broker another fat fee on top of that. Figure on having $3K just to walk in the door.

So I don't know what I am going to do. I tell you what I am NOT going to do is move TWICE. But do I move to NYC May 1, or do I save a thousand bucks and crash somewhere in Baltimore for a month and move up there in June? I could really use a month to adjust. But I am unemployed a week from now, and I could really use that thousand dollars. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yea, CRAP.

Ya Give Me Fever...

[Many Baltimore roads and sidewalks are impassable, but when I really needed to shake off the cabin fever, I knew Dougherty's would not let me down. This passageway to their door was cut through a hard packed snowplow pile that was easily three feet tall and six feet from street to sidewalk. Because this is Baltimore, and that's how we roll.]

And more flakes are falling, even as I write this! Though relatively speaking, this is supposedly going to just be "a dusting". We'll see. Even the forecasters are admitting this thing could go either way and they have no idea how much we will get.

All I can say is, thank goodness for neighbors with four-wheel drive. Thank goodness for neighbors, period! One of the many things I love about this town. See, this is my car (a.k.a. C.K. Dexter Haven) at the moment:

Poor Dexter. I miss him. I put the cover on him before the first big storm and haven't seen him since. What was that, two weeks ago? I have lost all track of time. I was doing just fine, had plenty of "supplies", but I was down to the last can of dog food for each of my dogs. So neighbor Pete drove me to the vet for Max's food and the pet store for Timmy's food. Pete even drove me to my hair appointment in Fells Point yesterday, when I couldn't get a cab. Though I guess I will have to find one to and from my class at the Creative Alliance tomorrow night.

Later this week I am going to New York for a couple days, to see some friends and to (bump, bump, BAAAAAAHHH!!!!) take the written test for the Director's Guild of America Assistant Directors Training Program. Which happens to be taking place ONE BLOCK from where a good friend of mine lives, so I will be able to (in theory) get an extra hour of sleep. I have to be there at SEVEN A.M. Ouch. Though my dogs have me up that early all the time. But once I feed them they often let me go back to sleep.

Not so this Saturday. Again, thank goodness for neighbors, as other neighbors, my dogs' "Uncles" Phil & Ron will be taking care of my guys while I am in NYC taking this test. It is 4 to 5 hours long! I'm not scared, though. Writing is my thing, and I've always tested well. Still, the content is unknown and there is no way to study for it. They say it is mostly problem-solving. That is also what I do. I can't wait, actually! I am FAR more excited than I am nervous. I'll be very interested to see the mix of people taking the test. They say that about 300 people apply to the New York Program each year and they only accept 5 to 7. I don't know how many people they cut just from the application stage, but that step was my biggest concern, actually, and I am past that at least.

The snow was kind of stressing me out, though, only in that it might impede me from actually getting to New York. I had planned on taking the Bolt bus, which leaves a few blocks away from my house and would be $40 round trip maximum. But last week I decided I just coudn't chance it, so I shelled out almost 3 times that much, $115, for a train ticket. I prefer traveling by train, But I'd even more prefer having that extra $75 in my pocket, especially as I have less than two weeks left of gainful employment. But I cannot take the slightest chance of not making it to this test.

That's really all I have to say about that for now, though. I'm not the type to wring my hands over, "what if it doesn't happen? What if I don't get in?" The only thing I can do about it is to do my best, and let the cards fall where they may.

In other movie news, there are a couple of indie screenings in town that I am very excited about. Tonight, as a matter of fact, Regina Guy dies a horrible death in the local indie horror, "President's Day," at the Charles Theater, 7:30pm. The only thing Regina likes better than being onscreen is being killed onscreen. I've seen some of the movie stills... and I think I am going to be watching a great deal of this movie from between my fingers, with my hands over my eyes. Next week, "Heaven Burns," is screening in Towson. I know a bunch of people who worked on that and I have heard great things, so I am very excited to check that out also.

The horror short I am working on with Zinnia Films will be kicking off soon, though we have to postpone shooting the exteriors for obvious reasons, not the least of which is, there is no place to park in this town! Side streets where it is legal to park are a mess, and for now it is still illegal to park on the main corridors because it is still a Snow Emergency. They towed 15 to 20 cars off my block of Calvert Street last night, starting at midnight. Bet there were a lot of ticked off people this morning.

It is almost a good thing I will be unemployed in March, because between Jason's (Zinnia Films) movie (10-12 shooting days, including about 48 hours in Bethany/Ocean City), Steve Yeager's movie (probably 6-7 shooting days), teaching my pre-production class at the Creative Alliance on Saturday, March 27th, and attending the Stonehenge auditions in D.C. (shooting schedules permitting) on March 28th, I might have only 9 or so days that I am not committed to something. Plus two other people's projects that I might get involved with on top of those. Oh, well, it should keep me out of trouble at least. Yea, right.

Tune in next week to hear about my jaunt to the Big Apple! Drive safely!

Douchebag Parade

This week has absolutely sucked. It started off with a meeting with my boss that I had been expecting, and me getting laid off. Expecting to be laid off is like expecting someone that you love who is old to die... it doesn't make it all that easier. I'll talk more about it some other day, I am still digesting it. Then I got a $50 red light camera ticket, then I had to throw a salesman from a vendor with whom I have been doing business for years out of my office as he was trying to make me sign a contract without reading it (long story, I almost had to call the cops)... ugh.

Last night I put the cover over C.K.Dexter Haven (my car) and prepared to hibernate through this blizzard, alone, with no one to bother me or ruin my day. Then I was on Facebook and two friends of mine let me know about something really stupid, uncalled for, and altogether douchebaggish that had been posted on my "Smalltimore, the Movie" Facebook page. So here is the aftermath of all that...

Friends, Fans, and Zeb Drinkwater,

I had to remove a very nasty accusatory note from my "Smalltimore, the Movie" Facebook page today, from a guy named Zeb Drinkwater, who was the creator of a FB page called "Smalltimore". I had actually been a fan of his page and had posted to it many times. He thought I was responsible for his page being removed, so even though I am easily accessible and we have at least half a dozen friends in common, he chose to place a nasty post accusing me of this pettiness,more or less telling me I am an idiot, and that my movie sucked. I have tried several times to send him the following letter, but either FB is screwed up or he blocked me. This is Smalltimore, I am sure it will get back to him. I didn't know until today that he had posted that trash on my FB page until 2 people told me so today. Thanks, Zeb, for being the Grand Finale in what has been a Parade of Douchebags through my life this week!

An open letter to Zeb Drinkwater:

Zeb,

1. I had nothing to do with getting your "Smalltimore" Facebook page being taken down. I was a FAN of the page. I POSTED LINKS on there. We have many friends in common. I wouldn't do something so petty, and it would benefit me in no way.

2. Are you fucking high? Oh, wait...

3. I know you can't copyright a title. I am not a moron. Only a moron would think that. Like only a moron would

4. Burn bridges in Smalltimore. By doing things like

5. Trashing someone else's movie, a movie that has been accepted at festivals internationally, has had multiple sold out screenings, has sold hundreds of DVDs, has won an award, and stars one of your own friends and has music on the soundtrack by another one of your friends. And especially moronic is trashing a movie that was made by me, someone who

6. Attended YOUR "movie", about which I shall reserve comment, because I know that it was not only yours, but other people who put a lot of hard work into it, and my friend Kerra had a small part in it and I support my friends. That is what friends do. That is what filmmakers in this town do. The smart ones, anyway.

7. Before you attack someone, get your facts straight. If you want to know who actually DID copyright "Smalltimore" why don't you try GOOGLING it. It probably has something to do with Baltimore Magazine, their article on "Dating in Smalltimore" and their "Smalltimore Singles Party" this month. You know, your friend Libby from my soundtrack is also one of their Top 10 Hot Singles? So you'll probably be wanting to throw a hissy fit at them also. But finally,

8. I am extremely flattered that I am the first person who that sprang to your mind in regards to anything "Smalltimore" related. It means my media blitzing is working.

Let me know if you find the real culprit! I'd love to hear what you have to say to them!

Jeanie Clark
SMALLTIMORE, the Movie

Geez O Freakin' Peez. Doesn't ANYONE have ANYTHING better to do than ruin my day?! As you may have guessed, I am heading to the liquor store. Stay warm and be careful out there. And if you have any bad news or feel the overwhelming need to be a jerk to me, can you please save it until Wednesday or so?

The Stats, The Plan

“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything... 14% of people know that.” ~ Homer Simpson

As you know, this blog is only about a month old. I have a cute little hit counter at the bottom of the page, and this links to my blog statistics, which I look at every day. Since it is a brand-new blog, and I think because I switched it up right around the holidays, it is taking some time to build the numbers. That can be a little depressing, because with the last blog I had a good base built up, and now all the numbers are low... but that is just accumulation, we'll get back to it. There is also a map, with pinpoints on where the hits are coming from, all over the world. Don't worry, I can't pinpoint it to your EXACT location, I won't be showing up on your doorstep or anything. But now those pinpoints have to build up all over again, whereas I left behind a map full of them with the "Smalltimore, the Movie" blog. That was nice to look at.

But the cool thing is that, now that I do have somewhat of a base and a following, the numbers can be a bit more accurate because there are more people hitting the sight on purpose. The stats are cumulative, so on the last blog the more recent numbers were still watered down by numbers from a year ago, when less people were following and a lot of the hits were accidental. Does that make sense? It is all about the "Visit Length" stat. Even though it feels in some ways like I am starting from scratch, the stats are actually better. I can already see that a much larger percentage of the hits are staying on the site for 5 minutes or more, and about half of the hits that land here on purpose are staying for an hour or more. Some of that could be attributed to people leaving it up on their screen and walking away from the computer for awhile, but since it is a significant number increase it can't all be about that. Anything less than five minutes I figure was an accidental hit, because obviously most of my posts take at least 5 minutes to read!

Part of it, I am sure, is me getting back into the groove myself, and posting on a regular (at least weekly) basis. I am pretty much there, I just needed a slight breather.

It is so important to stay current, to stay in front of people. That would be hard to do, for me, if I didn't love it. I can't stick to something if I am not enjoying it. And the other side of that coin is if you are not enjoying it, people pick up on that, and they can't stay interested in something you are presenting if you are not even interested in it yourself. I am at the point now where in my daily life, I don't need to verbally barrage people on sight, gushing about whatever project I am working on this week. Now, they expect me to be working on something, so they ask what I am up to. And then I gush! But it is sincere - they are sincerely interested (the majority anyway; probably a few are just being polite), and I am sincerely excited about whatever I am doing. And if I do figure out that they are just being polite, I keep it brief.

So my little pinpoints on the map are, at the moment, largely clustered around Baltimore and D.C., but I also have a small bunch in the L.A. area, another in New York City, and a smattering in Western Europe. And one lonely little pinpoint that pops up once in awhile in Budapest (Hi, Jonathan!).

I have a plan to try to connect those dots between the east coast and the west, though that is not what the plan started off to be. It just started off as a plan to do something I have always wanted to do, something that I think almost every American wants to do at some point in their life - drive cross-country. But, why not at least try to kill two birds with one stone?

I doubt I will be employed past the end of April, and even if I get into that program in NYC, that leaves me the month of May (my birthday month, incidentally - I am a Gemini to the bone, if you hadn't figured that out yet), with maybe a week or two on either side. I haven't been unemployed for over 12 years, at which time I had 7 or 8 weeks off between this job and my last. And before that I was employed by the same company for over 9 years, uninterrupted. So this may be my only opportunity for a long time to take a decent chunk of time and check this off my to-do list.

Not enough people take these sorts of things into account, when they are presented with the time or the money to do something special, that they may never have a better chance to do it. It is easier (and less scary) to convince themselves that they'll get around to it... someday. Screw that. I am not being unrealistic or irresponsible in planning to do this. The reality is, I might not get a chance to do this for another 12 years. And who cares about hearing about the adventures of a 50+ year old on the road? "Hit the Early Bird Special in Dallas, El Paso, AND Phoenix this week! Woo-hoo!" I kid. I sure hope I will still be doing stuff like this 12 years from now. But the important thing is to do it NOW, and make plans, not make excuses. Tomorrow is not promised, to anyone.

My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late 2002. He died in 2003, when he was 56 years old. There was a lot he still wanted to do. In 1999 I took my first overseas trip and was instantly bitten by the travel bug. I made a conscious decision to spend every last dime I had in 2000 on travel, and that I did. I planned trips to Spain, London, Paris, and Scotland. My Dad that this was super-cool. He asked me if I had ever thought about taking a white-water rafting trip. I hadn't, I said, but I could. Daddy said he had always wanted to raft through the Grand Canyon. We had never traveled together before. It meant a lot to me that he would want to do this. I said I'd look into it, and I found a great outfit, Grand Canyon Expeditions (they are still in operation - GO, I promise you'll love it). At the time it was about $2,000 per person, with a $500 deposit, for an 8 day trip that included all meals, camping gear, and experienced guides on pontoon boats that held 14 people (it is about $2,500 per person now). That was a lot of money to either one of us. Dad said he'd think about it. I thought about it, too. I knew there was a good chance he would talk himself out of it, and I knew there was an even better chance that if we didn't do it now, we never would. I sent in the deposit for both of us without telling Dad. He called me a few days later and said, "You know what, let's do it." I said good, because I already sent in the non-refundable deposit. Dad laughed. "What if I had decided not to go?" he asked. "That wasn't an option," I said.

It was an amazing experience and I believe likely the single best experience of my father's life. He talked about it to anyone who would listen for the next three years, up to the day he died.

Not long after that, my Great Aunt June on my Mother's side died. In spring of 2001, the estate was settled and my Mom inherited a nice chunk of money. Not a life-changing amount, in that it wouldn't carry her the rest of her days or anything, but potentially a life-changing amount in that it was likely that she would never have a chunk like this all at once again, as Aunt June was the last of the elderly people in our family. A chunk like that can certainly change your life if you know what to do with it.

My Mom had been talking for as long as I can remember about going to Pompeii. She has always been very interested in archaeological digs, especially Pompeii. She was hemming and hawing about what to do with the money. I told her she needed to go to Italy. There was a trip with the company I had traveled to Spain, England, and France with that would be just right for her. She said she'd think about it. Why does everybody need to think so damn much? After about the third time she said she'd think about it, I put my foot down. "Mom. You are never going to have a lump sum like this again. Go to Pompeii. I am not talking to you again until you book the trip. I am totally serious. I'm hanging up now." A few days later she called me. "I know you're not talking to me, but what is the number to that tour company?" She booked it for that September. Then 9/11 hit. I knew she'd consider backing out. I called her and told her, look: I know you're nervous, but don't cancel. Postpone it until a date you are comfortable. The company (Go Ahead Tours, they are also great and also still in business) is really cool and I know they'll let you do this without a fee. DO NOT CANCEL.

She rebooked for February, and not only did they not charge her a fee, they refunded her a bit of money because the new trip dates were a lower, off-season rate. She had a great time and the experience made her a lot more fearless. Last spring I found an incredible deal to Russia. Another place Mom had always talked about going to was St. Petersburg, to see the Hermitage. I forwarded her the info. It was absolutely never going to be any cheaper than this. It didn't take too much convincing. She booked it and went to Russia all by herself, this wasn't even a group trip with a guide. I've never even been to Russia!

So, what can I tell ya? I gotta go. I know in my gut this is my best opportunity to do this cross-country trip. I'm not totally hardheaded about it, in that if my job gets extended another month, I can be flexible with the dates, but I figure by September at the latest. I've been laying very low the last couple months, not going out too much, paying down my credit cards. I'm in a good groove with that. So to prepare for this trip, I have started saving for it by buying a $100 Shell gas card when I can, at least one per paycheck. I have two so far. If I can get 2 to 3 a month from now through April I should have a good handle on it. I'll talk more about this in the days to come. And how fun will it be to blog my way to the west coast and back?

So there you go. That's my plan. Carpe, Diem, baby! Carpe Diem.

Ready For My Close-Up... Ish.

I have no movie-related photos, per se, for you, but I hate to post without pics. And the above is a very rare cute pic of one of my dogs, Timmy, a.k.a. Baby Boy. Tim is very camera shy and most often comes across looking extremely stressed out, for example:

Poor Timbuktu. I know how he feels. People who consider themselves to be a director, or at a minimum consider themselves to NOT be an actor, often have varying degrees of stage fright themselves, and I am no exception.

A friend of mine in Paris, Jerome, is an award-winning director who refuses to even allow a photo of himself to be taken. When I was making the short, "The Red-Headed Menace," Michelle, who is used to being behind the camera instead of in front of it, proved to need more coddling (well, perhaps, "threatening" would be more accurate in her case) than the children on the set. She was truly uncomfortable, though she pulled it off in the end and I have received many compliments from people who know her well on how natural her performance came across.

I have been on camera a grand total of three times. The first was in the preliminary trailer for Charm City/Smalltimore (click on the YouTube link at the top of the sidebar on the right and you can check out my debut for yourself) that was made waaaay back in December 2007, eight months before we actually started filming Smalltimore. I was more or less playing myself in three scenes, 2 of 3 with another actor who was a good friend and with whom I was very comfortable. The big factor, however, was that my friend Sean Stanley was directing the scenes, and I felt very comfortable doing whatever he told me to do. Okay, maybe "comfortable" isn't the right word, but I trusted him, and more importantly, I respected him and didn't want to screw up in front of him or waste his or the crew's time. It is not easy for someone, especially someone who is used to being the person in charge, to surrender themselves to someone else. That is what acting is, handing yourself over, and I have a great deal of respect for actors. I think it is important for a director to put her/himself in their shoes once in awhile.

The second time I was in front of a camera was in November of 2008, when I took Steve Yeager's Acting for the Camera seminar at the Creative Alliance. Talk about nerve-wracking. Each of the six students in the class were given a different monologue, each selected by Steve, to memorize in one week before our next class. If I remember correctly, mine was almost FOUR minutes long, That is an eternity, and a lot to memorize. I wish I could remember the play it is from, I'll have to ask Steve. But the gist of it was, I think, that a rather shy and sheltered rural housewife tries, clumsily at first, to seduce a young man who is in her house to repair her bedframe. I worked very hard to memorize this enormous chunk of dialogue. We also had to figure out all on our own, with no direction, what our body language, movements, and facial expressions would be. I studied the script and worked on it while I was drying my hair, doing dishes, taking a shower, whenever I could.

The day came and my heart was beating out of control from the moment I got up, just thinking about it. I had to deliver this monologue, standing in front of the camera by myself, while Steve stood in front of me behind the camera and my five classmates sat on the sidelines. I felt my face flush, feeling them staring at me, sort of seeing them in my peripheral vision.

"Aaaand, ACTION."

The great and perfect thing about the piece (which was actually very strange, and I don't think I even really understood it until I had read it a million times and had it fully committed to memory), was that the character starts off, in my interpretation anyway, quite timid and nervous but by the end of the piece has gathered confidence. And that is how it played out as I recited it. I was a WRECK to start off with, my stomach seized up tight like a fist, my knees wobbly. I could hear my voice shaking. I was terrified that halfway through I would blank out, or just look like a deer in headlights. But it worked for the piece. She was supposed to be unsure of herself. By the time I got halfway through, almost two whole minutes, I realized that I wasn't going to forget anything, and I could tell by the look on Steve's face that I was doing fine with my physical presentation as well. And I could tell by the complete lack of movement in my peripheral vision, and occasional laughter in the right spots, that I had the full attention of my classmates. As I ramped up towards the end, the character talks in an extremely sensual manner about the experience of opening a can of tuna fish. I was extremely NOT comfortable delivering this part of the speech, but it is like karaoke, or wearing a hat - it is all or nothing. If you don't belt out the song or have a little swagger in your step, you are going to look like an idiot. Better to only feel like an idiot, but look like you know what you are doing. I stared a hole through the camera and made sure that anyone on the receiving end knew that even though I was talking about a can of tuna fish, I was unmistakably NOT talking about tuna fish at all.

"Aaaand, CUT!"

I got a round of applause, and one of the guys in the class exhaled sharply and claimed that he would never look at a can of tuna fish in quite the same way.

The third time on camera was, of course, in "The Red-Headed Menace," this time definitely me playing me. Which is just about the hardest thing an actor can be asked to do, let alone a non-actor. Add to that pressure the fact that this was the largest set, almost 50 people, that I had ever brought together, and I am trying to direct myself, Michelle, and Craig Herron - the three of us all non-actors who are usually only behind the scenes - all in the same scene. These were my cast, my crew, and I am their director. Throwing myself into this fire was an opportunity to gain a deeper respect from them (and for them), or to lose any and all respect from them that I had already built up. It all turned out all right. Really good, actually. But that's the beauty of filmmaking - you will never see the terrible takes that came before the one decent one!

So, anyway... as I have recently mentioned, I am going to have a small role in an upcoming horror short, written and directed by Jason Koch, by Zinnia Films. I barely know Jason, but I can gauge pretty quickly how I am going to get along with people, and if I didn't like him (and the script) and trust him right off the bat, I most likely would have turned it down. If I had to read against someone else for the part I probably wouldn't have done it either. I am not an actor, so I would (a) just assume that almost any actor could beat me out for it, and (b) if I were any good I'd feel guilty taking a part away from an actual actor.

Though he has a great deal of experience within the industry, this is Jason's first creative piece that he is writing and directing himself, and I feel as strongly about not letting him down as I did about not falling on my face in front of Sean, Steve, or my own cast and crew. I'm excited. It's going to be fine. It's going to be more than fine. Stand back - I am going to nail this.

Promises, Promises

I PROMISE I will write a decent-sized post tomorrow, have lots to talk about. But for the moment, want to let you know that "Smalltimore," is NOW available for sale at Minas in Hampden, 815 West 36th Street (The Avenue)! Snap up a copy!

Drinking the Kool-Aid

I'm on Twitter. If you have read more than one of my postings, you can imagine how tough it is going to be for me to confine myself to 140 characters. This is going to take some getting used to, so forgive me if my tweets are a little lame starting off. I promise I'll get the hang of it soon enough. You can follow me @ SteelCorset - just scroll down and click the link in the sidebar!

Clean Slate, Full Plate

Don't you love the first week of January? It's like the first day of school, or moving to a new city. So full of possibilities and delusions of grandeur!

Sorry I haven't been writing much, but I can see my blog stats are down, so you haven't been reading much anyway. I know, the holidays, I won't take it personally. Same here. Also I don't like posting without a photo to give you and there just hasn't been anything photo-worthy lately. I'll try to correct that very soon.

I took a nice little break for a few weeks, following the successful Smalltimore screening & DVD release party on December 9th. Got through the holidays relatively unscathed. Pretty low-drama Christmas at my uncle's and an intimate gathering of friends on New Year's Eve. Nothing crazy, and that was good. And though I can never totally stop talking about Smalltimore/filmmaking (because people never stop asking, and that is also good), other than my New Year's Day interview on L.A. Talk Radio (see link in the sidebar) I didn't do any actual film-related work for a solid 2-3 weeks.

It was a break I was looking forward to, but I am glad it is over as it was getting a little boring and I am anxious to get back on the set, ANY set.In the past week a lot of cool stuff has come up. I hope it all pans out, we'll see. This seems to be the time of year where, much like everyone swears to quit smoking or lose 20 pounds, they also swear to get their film projects off the ground. But the best of intentions are often waylaid by a lack of funds.

In the next 3-6 months, I may be working (PM/AD) on a feature in St. Louis, another PM/AD position in Baltimore, writing on a project in NYC, directing a project in Baltimore, and even acting in a small role locally as well. May be co-producing on a short or two also. We'll see what comes to fruition. I hope they all do, but that would probably be too much to ask. In my spare moments now I am researching for two different features I want to write, and I need to reschedule the shoot for the short I was supposed to do in November that got cancelled when Michelle got sick. Probably March or April for that. I still need to continue pushing Smalltimore, and I am working on brokering a deal with a couple local shops to sell the DVDs on consignment for me. Also need to start pursuing studio distribution, haven't even touched that yet. As I have mentioned, I will also probably be losing my "real" job, and quite possibly my apartment, in the next few months. Trying not to think or worry about that, as there is not much I can do about it anyway. My friends assure me that they will not allow me to live in a cardboard box, so I know I'll be okay anyway around it.

The January meeting of the Creative Alliance Movie Makers was a really good one, focusing on cross-pollination between local filmmakers and local music artists. I even saw a young woman, Winona, there, that I had met a year ago when I spoke to her film class at UMBC. Good to see that she is sticking with it and reaching out to make contacts within the community. Lois Tuttle, a board member of the Baltimore Songwriter's Association, gave a short presentation. I have always said that there is NO excuse for making a movie in Baltimore with a bad soundtrack. Too many talented people here who would love to have their music in a movie. Next month is the semi-annual mini tradeshow, looking forward to that also. Last night I attended for the first time the monthly meeting of the Baltimore chapter of Women in Film & Video. Arlette Fletcher, President of the chapter, invited me to come and screen a trailer for Smalltimore as well as my short The Red-Headed Menace. The threat of snow kept a lot of people away so attendance was low, but it was a nice little meeting at Blue Rock Studios off of Reisterstown Road. The short was well-received and though I didn't actually sell any copies of Smalltimore, I was able to trade one for a copy of a local documentary titled, "Going All Pro". I was lucky enough to already see this doc, that focuses on a local beer vendor at sporting events known as "Fancy Clancy". It is really good and might possibly screen soon at the Creative Alliance. I saw it because I screened it for the Members Committee. Two thumbs up from me! If you get a chance to see it, go.

I have been doing a bit of that lately, trading copies of my feature for other indie features or copies of my short for other indie shorts. It is kind of cool to have movies that no one else has, and also to get your product in front of your peers in this manner. I have even swapped with some people that I met at the festivals I went to in England, Philadelphia, and California.

What else is going on... oh, full throttle back in production with Steve Yeager on his latest feature, "The Rosens." I spent a few hours with Steve Yesterday, scouting a handful of locations I came up with for him for our remaining scenes, going over schedules etc. I also re-read the entire script last weekend and broke down the remaining scenes for scheduling purposes, and in the process dredged up about a hundred new questions and suggestions for Steve, which we addressed point by point over lunch at City Cafe. I was afraid I might drive him crazy but he seems to appreciate how thorough I try to be. It's cool to talk things out and have your suggestions met with a positive response from someone you respect. These are the things that make it worth it to me to "pay your dues." I took Steve's Acting For The Camera workshop at the Creative Alliance a year and a half ago. Getting a taste of acting for the camera was a great experience and made me a better director, but I had already shot Smalltimore by then. The larger reason I took Steve's class was because I knew him by reputation and I wanted to get to know him better, with the even larger goal of working on a project with him at some point. A month after I took his class, he asked me to be an extra in a scene. Five months after that he asked me to be his AD. Three months after that he asked me to be his Co-Producer. Mission accomplished.

Oh, and coming up next weekend is the screening of the short I worked on in Virginia over Labor Day Weekend with Michelle, "Please God, Someone Normal." That set was pure fun from beginning to end and I am as anxious to see everyone from the set as I am to see the finished product!

This month, after a two-month reprieve (as there are very few film festivals taking place in the winter months), I should be hearing from the last handful of festivals I submitted Smalltimore to. I was rejected by the San Francisco Indie Fest, which is a drag because my friend Adam's film, "My Movie Girl," was accepted. I met Adam at the Philadelphia Independent Film Festival, and we really wanted to screen together, plus I have a free place to stay in San Fran which would have been sweet. On the other hand, though, I am really broke, and trying to pay off credit cards before I lose my job, so possibly a blessing in disguise. I'll let you know how the rest pan out.

Anyway... So, I am busy. And I am happy. Both of those things keep me out of trouble :) Now that you have an overview of the many irons I have in many fires, I'll try to stick to updating about one or two of them per blog entry. Stick with me and see what happens next! I promise to get you some photos real soon. Happy New Year, I hope it is a great one for all of you!