Journey... No, wait, REO Speedwagon!

Tonight I am listening to the sound of the rain pattering on the skylight in the second floor hallway, and enjoying my last few days of central air conditioning. Timmy (my yorkie) is doing the same, sitting beside me on the bed. He is nice and calm now. Earlier he was not too happy about all the thunder. Stuck in my head is an REO Speedwagon song that my friend Elizabeth put on my birthday CD last year (I haven't received this year's yet, HINT HINT). It was the first song on the disc and probably my favorite:

"So if you're tired of the same old story, baby, turn some pages.
I will be here when you are ready to roll with the changes..."


A week from today I move into my new apartment, one mile down the street from where I live now. I love the apartment itself, it is huge! But I was there to sign the lease yesterday and after spending just 5 minutes of the near-hour it took to sign everything and do the walkthrough, I had about melted into a puddle. I haven't lived in a place that had window units in 13 years. Oh well, the lease is signed now!

It will all be fine, I can't wait to move in, and make it my own. Well, my own + Bentley's own, though he keeps telling me he'll won't be there much. Which kind of sucks, because now that I am used to living with another person, I kind of like it, and Timmy does, too.

I feel like I need this new apartment, to go with my new life, my new job. Living in this house with Lisa, and everything about my life for the past year+, has simply been a lengthy transition. Preceded by 20+ years in the hotel industry, I had the last two years of the hotel job (and corresponding apartment) and new movie life overlapping, and now for the past year, no hotel job, no apartment of my own, just 12 months of limbo, trying to figure out if I could make it, and if I wanted to make it, as a full-time freelance filmmaker. The answer to both questions, apparently, is no. And this week really left no doubt in my mind about that.

I found this last year of trying to spin gold from thin air exhausting, and sometimes depressing. I did get to work on some wonderful projects, like Chris LaMartina's "Witch's Brew", Jason Baustin's "Gone Forever", and Steve Yeager's, "The Rosens". Some other projects were not always as enjoyable or of the same quality, though. And as a freelancer trying to make ends meet, I no longer had the option of picking and choosing what I wanted to work on. If it paid, and if I could convince the person writing the checks that I was the right person for the job, I took the job. But I also spent a lot of time talking to some very nice people with good ideas, but for whatever reasons those ideas never got off the ground. Michelle warned me about that early on, and she was right. For every 4 or 5 meetings I/we would have with a potential client, maybe one of them saw it through to actual production.

And while all that was going on, I was having issues getting my own project, my documentary on Joyce J. Scott, off the ground. I had plenty of time to shoot, but no money or equipment. I couldn't afford to go to New Orleans with her to film a very important project she is working on down there, something that I see as being essential to the film. Now I have a job and the money to go - and no time! But I will make it happen, somehow. I always live up to my word.

At the moment, I have another promise to live up to, and that is making a short for the 29 Days Later Film Project 2011. We had our first cast meeting last week, and it was simply inspiring, which was exactly what I had envisioned it would be. I don't want to talk about it, though, as I don't want to give anything away. But I will say that the cast is nothing short of stellar. Most often when I write, I hope and pray that the cast can succeed in translating the emotion that I put on that paper to the screen. But honestly, my cast is so crazy-talented and so emotionally invested in this piece themselves, I hope my writing can live up to their expectations.

Okay, I will tell you this much: most of the cast has never worked together, and many of them had never even met. But after putting these people together in a room for a little over 2 hours, the energy level was so high that I got next to no sleep when I got home that night, I was still so wired. They are each very strong personalities but very sensitive people, and that's why I chose them for this project, and that's why I knew they would appreciate each other. As different as they are, they are like-minded souls. When the meeting drew to a close, it was the actors, not me, who insisted that we have another cast meeting before I put pen to paper.

That itself was an amazing thing, and that is what really had me high that night. When I was managing the hotel at the same time as making movies, one was always interfering with the other. But now I have this great job and though I am not making movies all day, the things that I am doing are movie-related and are making me a better filmmaker, and the paycheck that I am generating there allows me to do the niceties that make all the difference, like bringing wine and cheese to a cast meeting!

I suppose that REO Speedwagon song is a love song of sorts, but when I sing it (as I do, very loudly, in my car with the top down whenever possible), I think of it as me talking to my Gemini self, my practical twin and my creative twin coming to terms:

"As soon as you are able, I am willing
To make the break that we are on the brink of
My cup is on the table - my love is filling
Waiting here for you to take and drink of

So, if you're tired of the same old story, oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready to roll with the changes..."


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand DRUM SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(which I also do while driving in my car)

Roadtrip: The 'Burgh

[I was hoping that Hines Ward's "Dancing With the Stars" Mirrorball Trophy was on display somewhere and I could get a cheesy picture with it, but this was the best we could do. Mirrorsaurous!]



Last weekend I headed up to Pittsburgh for five glorious (really!) days with my friend Alvina. By now you must know that I grew up in that area, and lived in the city for a few years after high school as well. I went to the University of Pittsburgh for a year, where I learned to drink beer and play pool, skills that I use to this day.

Alvina had to go to the 'Burgh for a work conference, so I tagged along/chauffeured. Hanging with Alvina is no joke. I think I spent about a month's rent on dining out. She is quite the foodie and we have to try (and photographically document) EVERYthing. She also does not take research lightly, which is a good thing, because all of my old favorites had since closed, so we relied on the list of places she had looked up and wanted to try. Then there was the debacle of trying to go to a bar owned by Hines Ward. It made for one of several interesting cab rides, but alas, it seems Hines sold it some time ago. Before the trip was over, however, I did make it to Jerome Bettis' Grille 36, which was very nice and had great food and service. Cutest little mini-pierogies I've ever seen in my life!

I think we'd been talking about this trip for about two months before I landed the new jobby-job, and luckily they were super cool about letting me take the days off. And I am SO glad I got to go. We stayed at the William Penn Hotel, which is stunning, and great service, and smack in the heart of the city. Though I had lived inside the city, I didn't ever spend much time downtown. After 5 days, I must say I was seriously impressed. Stephanie Rawlings-Blake needs to take Luke Ravenstahl out for one helluva dinner, and get him liquored up so he will tell her all his secrets about running a city. The difference I saw in Pittsburgh compared to just ten years ago is probably the same difference one could have seen in downtown Baltimore comparing 5 years before the Inner Harbor renaissance and 5 years after. But in Pittsburgh, it seems to be city-wide, and definitely the entirety of downtown, not just one area. I couldn't believe how many swanky restaurants and bars were downtown, and they were all packed! The Convention Center looks like a cross between The Starship Enterprise and a cruise ship, in a good way, and its views of the rivers are unbelievable. Both Pride Festival and the Three Rivers Arts Festival were going on that weekend, and it just seemed like Pittsburgh was the place to be. We also managed to take in a reception at the Andy Warhol Museum and a Pirates game and the gorgeous PNC Park in the same night. AND they were filming the new Batman movie right outside of our hotel!



What amazed me maybe more than anything was how CLEAN the city was. I am not making this up, it was practically spotless, even in the famous wholesale district known as The Strip. Everything seemed sparkly, fresh, and proud of itself. It made me very happy to see the city looking so incredible. Pittsburgh is the mousy girl in a John Hughes movie, when she takes off her glasses and suddenly everyone realizes she is smokin' hot.

And speaking of movies, yes, I realize this blog is supposed to be about movie-related things, and once again, I have digressed. But if you are still reading, apparently it does not bother you too much.

I got to see my ex-roommate, Lorraine (in the dino pic with me), and one of my best friends from high school, Andy. Drew, as I usually call him, is a doctor at Pittsburgh's famous Children's Hospital. We caught up over lunch at a joint on Liberty Avenue, a few blocks away from his office. It's funny, my Mom still lives up that way and once in awhile she'll tell me that she saw Andy on the local station as a "medical expert" for a news story. He is married now, and has three boys, and even if you didn't know him you could tell by meeting him that he is doing exactly what he was put on this earth to be doing. It seems that everyone from our tight-knit high school group is also following their bliss. Drew and I talked about that, as we always do during our rare get-togethers. We were so damn innocent back in the day, we really were. Not one of us lost our virginity in high school, no one drank until at least 17 (and truth be told, that was just me, with my friend who lived up the street who went to public school), and trying drugs never crossed our minds. Even if it had we wouldn't have known where to get them or what to do with them. It sounds idyllic, but it's true. We were having too much fun just being together to bother with any of that stuff that people do when they are bored or miserable.

I believe that those formative years, wherein we managed to make good choices and keep good company, did indeed carve our individual paths in life somewhat. We have all fallen in and out of touch over the years, (and unfortunately, a few of the Motley Crew, as we used to call ourselves, are no longer with us) but they - Lauren, Andy, Robert, Beth Ann, Michaela, Ace, Shawn, Brian, Chris, Elyse, Jessica, Janet, Nancy, Laura, Beth B, and a few others - will always owe each other a bit of gratitude, I think, for the successes we have had in life as well as the strength to overcome adversity. These people, and this city of Pittsburgh, instilled in me those credos that dominate my life - skip the drama, get it done, no excuses, have fun.

Go West... about 20 miles west.

I have completed Day 7 of my new full time job at an amazing company called SIMmersion. The more I learn about what they do, the more fascinated I am with the concept, let alone the development process, let alone the product. I won't go into detail about the work itself, but if you want to find out more about the company just google them, they have a website with some samples of their product.

The office is in a sweet suite in an office complex in Columbia, about 20 miles from where I live. The commute isn't bad, and I've been able to drive with the top down both ways every day since I started. Combine that with the awesome CD mixes I got for my birthday from my friends Jody, Alex, Kelly, and Paul (still waiting for a few, hmmm...) and it is actually a pretty damn pleasant way to start and end the day.

I love my office - I have my own - a real one, not a cubicle, with a great big frikkin' window. I stripped it down and rearranged the furniture, and when I have time to do so I will bring in a few pieces of artwork and maybe a small table to decorate, make it my own. On the first day, I thought, I am tempted to bring in my giant framed poster of Mae West (my personal hero), as the hot pink in the poster and the black frame would really pop on the plain white wall... but she looks really perfect on the wall behind my bed, too, so I'll figure something else out.

The people are wonderful, the work environment is peaceful but not at all boring, and the product is something to be proud of. I couldn't be happier. Well, I could be - and I will be, soon. The only thing about starting a new job is that I HATE to not know what I am doing. I want to know everything, and I want to know it all at once. A large part of the job is data entry into a complicated technical program that is mind-boggling to wrap your brain around, but it is what makes their videos so unique and so well done. I do find the whole thing interesting, but I am not exaggerating when I say that I am probably the most computer illiterate person in the company, so now, in the beginning, the learning curve is very steep for me. I'm not scared, though. I am actually very excited. Less than three years ago, I was staring down a similar barrel. At that time it was learning to edit in Final Cut Pro that was my challenge. What I am embarking upon now makes FCP look like finger-painting. But that's just fine. I love it.

It has seemed to confuse a lot of people who know me fairly well that I took this job. At first, Michelle, for example, seemed to think that it was purely desperation that drove me to it, that it wasn't what I really wanted to do. And some of the folks at my job check in on me now and then, asking me how it's going with this look on their face, as if they are waiting for me to get the crazy eyes like a caged animal. Especially with my friends, their confusion initially confused me. I didn't get why they didn't get it, how perfect this job is for me. I get to write, I get to solve problems creatively, I get to learn things I would never otherwise have access to, I get to travel and meet new people... I get to work in an air-conditioned building! As much as I love being on a set, most of my time as a filmmaker is spent on pre-production. Making phone calls, sending emails, begging favors, stretching dollars. When I finally do get to the set, I never, ever sit down, and 12 hours is usually a short day. I am not complaining about any of those things. They are challenging, but that is what I love about it. If it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing.

It took me awhile to realize, some of these friends only know me as Jeanie the Filmmaker. To them, that is what I do. When they introduce me to people, they tell them that I am a filmmaker. And to tell you the truth, I think that is supercool and it makes me very happy! But the people who know me absolutely best know that there is a lot more to me. I am a Gemini through and through, and along with that creative twin comes the logical twin. This job not only satisfies both sides of that coin, but is already challenging them both in ways that I never thought about. I have been shocked myself as to how easy it has been to get up in the morning! It gets my blood pumping.

My brother, Ted, and my friend Mikey B. seem to understand, and both have commented that this job appears to be tailor-made for me. My Mom gets it, too, but I think to her it is mostly a relief that I have health insurance again.

On Day Two at the new job, I bought my lunch in the deli that is on the ground floor of the building. While I waited for my sandwich to be made, I flipped through a magazine that was on the top of a stack in the window. Almost immediately I found myself looking at the same photo of Mae West that you see at the top of this post. Underneath her gorgeous face was one of her many famous quotes,

"Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often."

I looked around to make sure the deli lady wasn't watching, and I tore the page out of the magazine. It is now hanging on the corkboard in my office, staring me in the face when I sit at my desk and work on the computer.

Today on the way home from work, top down, I put in a CD that I had mixed for myself a few years ago. It is full of fun and empowering songs that are well-suited to a convertible, slick sunglasses, and singing very, very loudly. The opening song is very short, it is called "Reckless," and it is crooned by, guess who, my Guardian Movie Star. Backing up Ms. West's sexy, smoky alto voice is a soprano chorus that sounds nearly celestial...

"What'll you ever be? What'll you ever do? How'll you ever know if you don't take a chance?

You have got to gamble! With fate!

I wanna live long, learn a lot. I'll light my candle and I'll burn a lot!

You've had some bad shots! Hard knocks!

I'm on my own if I bruise.

And there'll be smiles here! Shouts here!

And I can take it on the chin if I lose. Because I'm reckless!

Because she's reckless!

Because I'm reckless!

Because she's reckless!

I'm gonna go places and look life in the face."

Happy Birthday to Me

May has been a banner month, and it is not over yet! Last week I got to see my director friend Adam Bronstein ("My Movie Girl") when his film was screening just outside of Philly. I hadn't seen Adam in a year and a half, when he last visited me in Baltimore. It was great to see him, I think we talked for 5 hours straight the first night and another 6 hours straight the next day. We're pretty well caught up now! Then this week, I FINALLY got back up to Mikey's cabin in the Poconos and got to see him for a couple days, and just chill. He went back to NYC today, so now I have a few days by myself to catch up on some reading and writing. I haven't been here since October, I really missed it, and Mikey. Also this week, my friend Bentley moved back to Baltimore, which makes me very happy. If all goes well, he will be my new roommate by the end of the summer, too.

All that is well and good and makes me happy to reconnect with my good friends, but the most important thing to happen this month is that I landed a job that I really, really wanted. Lately it was getting harder and harder to keep my chin up. A couple months ago I totally botched a job interview, by making the fatal error of not looking at the company's website before going to the meeting. A very dumb mistake, but it simply slipped my mind to do so - I hadn't been on a proper job interview in more than 13 years, and back then, not everybody even HAD a website. Then last month, a freelance gig that would have carried me through the entire summer fell through - after I had nearly maxed out my credit cards on a trip and surgery for my dog. I was starting to lose hope that I could continue to survive doing what I love doing, and would be forced to go back to what I once loved but now hate - hotel or restaurant management. There are good jobs out there in the hospitality industry that I would be more than qualified for, but just the thought of going back into that made me very depressed.

I was beginning to wonder if everything I have been doing for the last four years had been a waste of time. In a span of less than three years (the first year working on rewriting the screenplay for "Smalltimore") I worked on a total of eighteen productions, only three of which were my own projects, and won five awards. One-third of those films I worked on gratis, choosing those projects very carefully, to build my resume, my contacts, and a stockpile of favors. On other people's projects, I was most often a producer and/or assistant director, but I also racked up writing credits on five productions other than my own, and even a few acting credits.

But the last few months, things just seemed to stop clicking. People I thought I could count on turned out not to be what I thought they were. I was finding that a lot that I had paid forward was just that: not to be returned by the people I paid it to. My faith in humanity, and my own judgement of character, was a bit shaken. Still, I tried to hold on to the one credo I have in my life - that it, my life, always turns out the way it is supposed to. Sometimes it takes awhile to get there, sometimes it is a very scenic and unexpected route, but it always does get there. And once again, it has.

I won't mention the company name yet. I start work on Tuesday, and I want to make sure it is cool with them for me to talk about on my blog. But I can tell you that I will have the interesting title of Script Engineer. What the hell is that, you ask? Well, writing will be only about one-third of my job, and the rest will be rather technical computer programming that is going to take many months of training to get me up to speed. I will be scripting interactive training videos, which may sound boring but I don't think it will be boring at all. Some of these videos will be used to train people for jobs such as drug and alcohol counselors, people who deal with victims of sexual assault or abuse, and criminal investigators, among others. I will be a part of a team that researches these vocations in great detail, and then design programs to help them do their jobs more effectively. Getting to do what I love most, in a way that actually helps people? Pretty damn cool.

Of course, we'll see how it goes, but from what I know about it so far, this is a job that was practically custom tailored to my strengths, combining logic, empathy, and creativity. And to have a "regular" job in which I get paid to write has been probably the only consistent goal I have ever had in my life. I can't begin to tell you what that means to me. It was only one year ago that I received my first check ever for a writing gig. I probably only charged half of what I should have - but I likely would have been just as thrilled to do it for half of what I did get paid. For me, it was validation of the highest order. Like the first time I sold a photograph, I finally felt I could refer to myself as a photographer, or the first time "Smalltimore" was accepted to a festival, I could introduce myself as being a filmmaker. I know that I have always been a writer, but to be able to say that I do it for a living carries a weight that I have always longed for. I have never been so excited to start a job. No more sleeping in! No more Law & Order marathons! And I am actually happy about that!

So, I still haven't talked about the image at the top of this posting. This is the tarot card, "Strength," the eighth card in the deck. Something you may not know about me, I have, off and on for many years, read tarot cards, and I am told that I am pretty good at doing so. Strength is my favorite card, and is the card I use to represent myself in a reading. The image really speaks to me. Here is a woman, alone, dressed in a pure white robe, but her waist is entwined with red roses, significant of desire. The devil really is in the details. She is standing with a her hands on a lion. She may be opening its mouth or closing it, but either way, she has tamed this beast that in reality she should fear. The cold blue mountains in the distance represent logic, but there is also much green vegetation in the picture. A lemniscate of Eternal Life, also known as a figure 8, floats above her head. This card is about courage and fearlessness, but it is also about balance, and the importance of finding harmony between opposing forces. I don't know a lot about numerology, but there is something special about that symbol, "8". Everything is cyclical, everything comes back around. You get back whatever it is that you put out there in the universe. You might not get it back from the people or place that you think you will, but you will get it back. That is important to remember.

I start my new job on Tuesday, May 31st, which also happens to be my 44th birthday.

4 + 4 = 8


.

A Good Problem to Have

[Jennifer Swartout portrays Janis Joplin in the movie short, "Janis." Go to the Facebook page "Steel Corset Productions" for details and find out where and when YOU can see it!]

Hey there... another long spell of not blogging... I know, I suck, but it is just that I have been so crazy busy I have had no time or energy to write. But I really DO want to keep you in the loop! So please join me on my new Facebook page, STEEL CORSET PRODUCTIONS ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Baltimore-MD/Steel-Corset-Productions/169509529729209?ref=ts ).

There, in the soundbite style we have all become accustomed/addicted to, you can find out exactly what I am/have been/will be up to, and find out in a way timely enough so that you may actually attend some of these events instead of just hearing about the aftermath! Also I will be posting there whenever people like extras, interns, or production assistants are needed, so if you have always wanted to work on a movie set you will likely soon have the opportunity. I will also list calls for crew and actor auditions there, for my own projects as well as my filmmaker friends.

I'm going to try to be a better twitterer, too, but no promises there.

But become a fan ("like") Steel Corset Productions ASAP, because things are happening! Tomorrow night is the premiere screening of, "Lamplight," at the Wind-up Space, where you will also be able to see the very first teaser/trailer for Chris Lamartina's "Witch's Brew." And if you see a young woman that looks like a pretty version of Janis Joplin, that is my friend Jen Swartout who indeed portrays Janis Joplin in a short we collaborated on this summer that will be screening soon at the Creative Alliance. So, in a nutshell that is tomorrow night, you can see the fruits of my summer of labor. But you need to go to the Facebook page to get all the details, because it is a lot of info and, as usual, I am exhausted!

P.S. this does NOT mean I am completely abandoning the blog! I will post a link to it on the SCP Facebook page whenever I make a new post. I am heading to the Poconos for several days, so I very well may have some time to write!

Warding Off the PPD

[Driving around Lake Harmony last autumn, likely my temporary home in May]

It is 11:05p.m. on a Monday night, and I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything film-related today, and other than making a couple phone calls and/or emails, I don't have to do anything film-related tomorrow, either. It is quiet as a tomb (if a tomb had two little dogs sniffing around, and was located on a rather busy Baltimore street) in my apartment. It is nice. I got the whole way through a movie ("Stranger Than Fiction") without the phone ringing once or even beeping with a text message. Ah, bliss.

But it won't last for long - the quiet, not the bliss. Bliss comes in many forms, for a Gemini like myself. Wednesday I am finally back on the set with Steve Yeager's project, "The Rosens", filming in Towson Diner and Bel-Loc Diner. Should be good. Thursday and Friday, filming in D.C. on a new short written and directed by my friend Mark Aguirre, called, "Rock Creek". It is good to stay busy, though after "Rock Creek," wraps, I can't take on any other film projects until I move at the end of April. I have too much to do.

We wrapped principle photography on "Lamplight" Sunday night. It was bittersweet, at least to me, but I think to most everyone actually. We had a really good cast and crew, everyone got along beautifully and we had a lot of fun. We have a few more pick-ups, but we can only do one scene now, have to wait for Johnny Alonso to get back into town, probably in May, to finish the other shots. He is busy on several different projects all over the world (literally) between now and then, mostly with his television show "NASA 360" which airs on the Discovery Channel.

After knowing Johnny peripherally for a couple years (we know lots of the same people, but had never really worked together, just run into each other at various screenings) not only do we get to work on a set, but we get to be in a scene together, which we shot last night. Speaking as an A.D., Johnny is a total pro and a pleasure to work with, but speaking as a non-actor who had to act in a scene with him, I can't even explain to you how many extra miles he goes for the scene, and for the people he is working with. What am I talking about? Of course I can! That's what I do!

As I have said before, I am not an actor, but taking on a small role now and then helps to keep me on my toes and helps me to be a better director by putting myself in the actor's shoes. My role(s) in "Lamplight," however, were the first time that I was not playing myself or a character based on myself. It was concurrently more fun and more nerve-wracking that way.

I had three scenes total, two as the lead character Perry's mother in flashback scenes, which we shot earlier in production. In those scenes it was a very small set, and I was fairly comfortable though still a little nervous. We shot one scene Saturday night that was a hoot in some ways and horrifying in others. The horrifying part was that I had to say mean things about a little boy, and that really was not easy at all, but Jason walked me through it beautifully. The fun part was that I got to be in a scene with Regina Guy (now we have starred in two movies together, this and "The Red-Headed Menace"!), and also this hilarious, pure(in?)bred Baltimorean named Butchie. Zinnia Films made a documentary about Butchie called, "Southside Survivor," that hopefully will be screening within the year. I've seen some clips and it is fantastic. It was a treat to meet Butchie and play opposite him, even just for a couple lines. He had me and Regina laughing so hard it was difficult to do the serious part of the scene after he left, but we managed. Butchie (and a 6-pack of Natty Boh, and a couple shots of Amaretto) helped me to relax and I think I did all right.

During my close-up, at the end of one of the takes, I was laughing. I was a little bit drunk at this point, if I am to be honest. I told Jason way back in January after I read the script for the first time, that if it was all right with him, I'd rather actually be drinking than trying to act drunk, as I don't trust my skills that much yet. In the script there is some flashback stuff where the mother is laughing and I knew we would have to do that at some point. It is so hard to fake laugh without it seeming fake! But at the end of this particular take, I was really laughing, and Regina was sitting across the table from me. The camera was close on me, so it didn't matter what she did, she just couldn't make any noise. I knew if I kept it going, honestly laughing, that Jason would let me roll with it and then I wouldn't have to fake it later and have it be awful. Me laughing was causing Regina to laugh but she had to stifle it, which made me laugh even harder... which made her want to laugh even harder, which made me laugh even more than that, which made everyone in the room have to control themselves from laughing, which made me laugh so hard and so long before Jason finally yelled, "CUT!" that I am sure my face was turning red and I was breaking into a sweat. I even had a bit of a head rush and had a headache for a few minutes.

I don't know how it looks because I don't want to see it for awhile, and I especially did not want to see myself on camera before gearing up to do the scene with Johnny yesterday. Very rarely does any good come out of showing the actors their dailies (footage) before production is wrapped, in my opinion. If an actor asked me to see their footage, I would say no, so I was not about to break my own rules and ask to see it. Even when Dave was playing back some of it on his Macbook Pro the next day, I walked away so I couldn't see it. But I could hear them playing the part where I was laughing, and at least it sounded authentic, which it damn well should have! I almost busted a blood vessel!

Anyway, in my scene with Johnny, I play a bar owner that reminds him of his mom and he loses his shit on me. He blew up at me and it was great, and for his close-ups he looked totally insane. I think he freaked some of the extras out. When it came time for my close-ups, we did it once with Johnny feeding me his lines and it felt pretty good but I could feel myself anticipating too much and I was afraid it didn't look great. Plus, because of where the camera was, Johnny couldn't actually sit in front of me, so I had to look where he had been sitting and pretend I was looking into his crazy eyes like I was in the wide shot, even though he was standing a foot to the right of that spot. For the second take, I asked Johnny, I told him I needed him to really flip on me to get a real reaction, because this just isn't what I do. Johnny is always conscientious of the other actors in his scenes so I knew he would only take it as far as he thought I was comfortable with (which was still pretty far), but I also knew if I gave him license to totally freak on me he would bring it. He screamed at me like a maniac, and afterwards Jason said my reactions looked great. He honestly did shake me up a bit.

But now it is over, pretty much. It is good to have other projects in the wings, to ease me out of production mode day by day over the next two weeks, but "Lamplight" was really special, even to the point of me second-guessing myself about where I am going and what I am doing. Now I have even more, new, friends telling me they don't want me to move away, or telling me they are sad that I will be moving so soon after meeting me... and maybe even some who won't bother getting to know me better because I will be leaving so soon. It is only to New York, I tell them. It's really not that far.

That is what I have to keep telling myself, too. Damn my Gemini self. One part of me can't wait to launch a new adventure. My other internal half is hoping that something or someone will make it impossible to leave. I don't want to cop out due to my fears, and I do have some. I am starting to remember how I felt when I first came to Baltimore, not knowing one single person here, and leaving an incredible, tightly-knit group of friends behind in D.C. My first six months in Baltimore were excruciatingly lonely, and many nights I laid in bed wondering if I had made the biggest mistake in my life. There was nothing terrible in D.C., nothing that drove me out of there. I missed my friends so much sometimes it made me physically ill. But moving to Baltimore, did, in fact, turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Well, we shall see what happens. Nothing is in stone. But... I can't wimp out, either. I couldn't face myself if I felt I was wimping out. I am feeling very confused at the moment, and I am certain that Post-Production Depression is playing a part in that confusion. I have plans to go up to Mikey's cabin one weekend next month. I have to first drive to my hometown to bring some stuff to my Mom's for her to store for me. Then I am going to snag my best friend from high school, Lauren, and take her to the cabin with me, to get us each a weekend away from our respective responsibilities, as well as some fun time together, which we haven't had since last August. I think it will help me put things in perspective. Being at Lake Harmony always helps me to sweep the cobwebs and confusion from my brain, and at this crossroads in my life, I think it is most appropriate that Lauren come along for the ride, and even more appropriate that this getaway take place at Mikey's cabin. I have known Lauren for almost three decades; I have known Mikey for almost two. For all but a few years of that time, I have not lived in the same area as either one of them, but they are and I am certain shall remain for the rest of our lives, two of my very, very closest friends. I know what I want and I need to make some decisions about where the best place is for me to be, geographically speaking, to get it. I have to trust that a little thing like geography won't interfere with my personal relationships. They might take a little extra effort, but it IS only New York.

"Unfortunately..."

...a word I am all too familiar with. It is almost guaranteed to be lurking within the first three to five sentences of a rejection letter from any given film festival, including the SENE Festival (South East New England, I think), the last remaining festival I was waiting to hear back from. I was not terribly disappointed, except for the fact that it is yet ANOTHER fest my friend Adam Bronstein's film, "My Movie Girl," did get into, and we kept hoping that we would get to screen together again (we met in Philly last year when we both screened there). But, I am very happy for Adam. For me, it was a small relief not to have to spend money on travel expenses for a fest, now that I am unemployed.

But far more unfortunately, this sinister word also jumped out of another envelope I received yesterday - this one from the Director's Guild of America, telling me I did not make it to the first round of in-person interviews for the program. I won't lie, that one hurts a bit more. Well, all right, I did just lie - that one hurts a lot more.

I opened this literally as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with some friends. I felt sick but I went out anyway. I really just wanted to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling and consider what my options are now and start making decisions about what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life, the next 3 to 6 months in particular.

It still makes the most sense for me to move to New York. But now I don't HAVE to do that by June. Now I can maybe take that extensive road trip I have been daydreaming about. I still have $400 worthof Shell gas cards sitting in my desk. that equals about 8,000 miles (highway) in my car. Not a bad start.

Well, I have a few weeks, maybe more if I go up to Mikey's cabin for the month of May, to figure things out. Right now I am wrapping my mind around purging my belongings. I sold one of my televisions a few days ago, and as I write this a woman is on her way to pick up a piece of Belleek porcelain I am selling. God Bless Craigslist. Though be careful if you use it these days, I have been BOMBARDED with people phishing for my personal info. Annoys the piss out of me.

I am in a mood, to be sure. Glad we don't have any filming and I don't have any personal plans for a few days. I wouldn't be pleasant company. I'll be fine. I have just been living in limbo for so long, I was really hoping for a solid plan for a couple years, in the DGA program. I just have to rethink things and approach them from a different angle. If I wasn't going to get into the program, I have said all along that I wouldn't even want to go to the first interview, wait a month, second interview, wait a month, and THEN get turned down. I'd much rather know now. And now I know.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?