Journey... No, wait, REO Speedwagon!

Tonight I am listening to the sound of the rain pattering on the skylight in the second floor hallway, and enjoying my last few days of central air conditioning. Timmy (my yorkie) is doing the same, sitting beside me on the bed. He is nice and calm now. Earlier he was not too happy about all the thunder. Stuck in my head is an REO Speedwagon song that my friend Elizabeth put on my birthday CD last year (I haven't received this year's yet, HINT HINT). It was the first song on the disc and probably my favorite:

"So if you're tired of the same old story, baby, turn some pages.
I will be here when you are ready to roll with the changes..."


A week from today I move into my new apartment, one mile down the street from where I live now. I love the apartment itself, it is huge! But I was there to sign the lease yesterday and after spending just 5 minutes of the near-hour it took to sign everything and do the walkthrough, I had about melted into a puddle. I haven't lived in a place that had window units in 13 years. Oh well, the lease is signed now!

It will all be fine, I can't wait to move in, and make it my own. Well, my own + Bentley's own, though he keeps telling me he'll won't be there much. Which kind of sucks, because now that I am used to living with another person, I kind of like it, and Timmy does, too.

I feel like I need this new apartment, to go with my new life, my new job. Living in this house with Lisa, and everything about my life for the past year+, has simply been a lengthy transition. Preceded by 20+ years in the hotel industry, I had the last two years of the hotel job (and corresponding apartment) and new movie life overlapping, and now for the past year, no hotel job, no apartment of my own, just 12 months of limbo, trying to figure out if I could make it, and if I wanted to make it, as a full-time freelance filmmaker. The answer to both questions, apparently, is no. And this week really left no doubt in my mind about that.

I found this last year of trying to spin gold from thin air exhausting, and sometimes depressing. I did get to work on some wonderful projects, like Chris LaMartina's "Witch's Brew", Jason Baustin's "Gone Forever", and Steve Yeager's, "The Rosens". Some other projects were not always as enjoyable or of the same quality, though. And as a freelancer trying to make ends meet, I no longer had the option of picking and choosing what I wanted to work on. If it paid, and if I could convince the person writing the checks that I was the right person for the job, I took the job. But I also spent a lot of time talking to some very nice people with good ideas, but for whatever reasons those ideas never got off the ground. Michelle warned me about that early on, and she was right. For every 4 or 5 meetings I/we would have with a potential client, maybe one of them saw it through to actual production.

And while all that was going on, I was having issues getting my own project, my documentary on Joyce J. Scott, off the ground. I had plenty of time to shoot, but no money or equipment. I couldn't afford to go to New Orleans with her to film a very important project she is working on down there, something that I see as being essential to the film. Now I have a job and the money to go - and no time! But I will make it happen, somehow. I always live up to my word.

At the moment, I have another promise to live up to, and that is making a short for the 29 Days Later Film Project 2011. We had our first cast meeting last week, and it was simply inspiring, which was exactly what I had envisioned it would be. I don't want to talk about it, though, as I don't want to give anything away. But I will say that the cast is nothing short of stellar. Most often when I write, I hope and pray that the cast can succeed in translating the emotion that I put on that paper to the screen. But honestly, my cast is so crazy-talented and so emotionally invested in this piece themselves, I hope my writing can live up to their expectations.

Okay, I will tell you this much: most of the cast has never worked together, and many of them had never even met. But after putting these people together in a room for a little over 2 hours, the energy level was so high that I got next to no sleep when I got home that night, I was still so wired. They are each very strong personalities but very sensitive people, and that's why I chose them for this project, and that's why I knew they would appreciate each other. As different as they are, they are like-minded souls. When the meeting drew to a close, it was the actors, not me, who insisted that we have another cast meeting before I put pen to paper.

That itself was an amazing thing, and that is what really had me high that night. When I was managing the hotel at the same time as making movies, one was always interfering with the other. But now I have this great job and though I am not making movies all day, the things that I am doing are movie-related and are making me a better filmmaker, and the paycheck that I am generating there allows me to do the niceties that make all the difference, like bringing wine and cheese to a cast meeting!

I suppose that REO Speedwagon song is a love song of sorts, but when I sing it (as I do, very loudly, in my car with the top down whenever possible), I think of it as me talking to my Gemini self, my practical twin and my creative twin coming to terms:

"As soon as you are able, I am willing
To make the break that we are on the brink of
My cup is on the table - my love is filling
Waiting here for you to take and drink of

So, if you're tired of the same old story, oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready to roll with the changes..."


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand DRUM SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(which I also do while driving in my car)

Roadtrip: The 'Burgh

[I was hoping that Hines Ward's "Dancing With the Stars" Mirrorball Trophy was on display somewhere and I could get a cheesy picture with it, but this was the best we could do. Mirrorsaurous!]



Last weekend I headed up to Pittsburgh for five glorious (really!) days with my friend Alvina. By now you must know that I grew up in that area, and lived in the city for a few years after high school as well. I went to the University of Pittsburgh for a year, where I learned to drink beer and play pool, skills that I use to this day.

Alvina had to go to the 'Burgh for a work conference, so I tagged along/chauffeured. Hanging with Alvina is no joke. I think I spent about a month's rent on dining out. She is quite the foodie and we have to try (and photographically document) EVERYthing. She also does not take research lightly, which is a good thing, because all of my old favorites had since closed, so we relied on the list of places she had looked up and wanted to try. Then there was the debacle of trying to go to a bar owned by Hines Ward. It made for one of several interesting cab rides, but alas, it seems Hines sold it some time ago. Before the trip was over, however, I did make it to Jerome Bettis' Grille 36, which was very nice and had great food and service. Cutest little mini-pierogies I've ever seen in my life!

I think we'd been talking about this trip for about two months before I landed the new jobby-job, and luckily they were super cool about letting me take the days off. And I am SO glad I got to go. We stayed at the William Penn Hotel, which is stunning, and great service, and smack in the heart of the city. Though I had lived inside the city, I didn't ever spend much time downtown. After 5 days, I must say I was seriously impressed. Stephanie Rawlings-Blake needs to take Luke Ravenstahl out for one helluva dinner, and get him liquored up so he will tell her all his secrets about running a city. The difference I saw in Pittsburgh compared to just ten years ago is probably the same difference one could have seen in downtown Baltimore comparing 5 years before the Inner Harbor renaissance and 5 years after. But in Pittsburgh, it seems to be city-wide, and definitely the entirety of downtown, not just one area. I couldn't believe how many swanky restaurants and bars were downtown, and they were all packed! The Convention Center looks like a cross between The Starship Enterprise and a cruise ship, in a good way, and its views of the rivers are unbelievable. Both Pride Festival and the Three Rivers Arts Festival were going on that weekend, and it just seemed like Pittsburgh was the place to be. We also managed to take in a reception at the Andy Warhol Museum and a Pirates game and the gorgeous PNC Park in the same night. AND they were filming the new Batman movie right outside of our hotel!



What amazed me maybe more than anything was how CLEAN the city was. I am not making this up, it was practically spotless, even in the famous wholesale district known as The Strip. Everything seemed sparkly, fresh, and proud of itself. It made me very happy to see the city looking so incredible. Pittsburgh is the mousy girl in a John Hughes movie, when she takes off her glasses and suddenly everyone realizes she is smokin' hot.

And speaking of movies, yes, I realize this blog is supposed to be about movie-related things, and once again, I have digressed. But if you are still reading, apparently it does not bother you too much.

I got to see my ex-roommate, Lorraine (in the dino pic with me), and one of my best friends from high school, Andy. Drew, as I usually call him, is a doctor at Pittsburgh's famous Children's Hospital. We caught up over lunch at a joint on Liberty Avenue, a few blocks away from his office. It's funny, my Mom still lives up that way and once in awhile she'll tell me that she saw Andy on the local station as a "medical expert" for a news story. He is married now, and has three boys, and even if you didn't know him you could tell by meeting him that he is doing exactly what he was put on this earth to be doing. It seems that everyone from our tight-knit high school group is also following their bliss. Drew and I talked about that, as we always do during our rare get-togethers. We were so damn innocent back in the day, we really were. Not one of us lost our virginity in high school, no one drank until at least 17 (and truth be told, that was just me, with my friend who lived up the street who went to public school), and trying drugs never crossed our minds. Even if it had we wouldn't have known where to get them or what to do with them. It sounds idyllic, but it's true. We were having too much fun just being together to bother with any of that stuff that people do when they are bored or miserable.

I believe that those formative years, wherein we managed to make good choices and keep good company, did indeed carve our individual paths in life somewhat. We have all fallen in and out of touch over the years, (and unfortunately, a few of the Motley Crew, as we used to call ourselves, are no longer with us) but they - Lauren, Andy, Robert, Beth Ann, Michaela, Ace, Shawn, Brian, Chris, Elyse, Jessica, Janet, Nancy, Laura, Beth B, and a few others - will always owe each other a bit of gratitude, I think, for the successes we have had in life as well as the strength to overcome adversity. These people, and this city of Pittsburgh, instilled in me those credos that dominate my life - skip the drama, get it done, no excuses, have fun.

Happy Birthday to Me

May has been a banner month, and it is not over yet! Last week I got to see my director friend Adam Bronstein ("My Movie Girl") when his film was screening just outside of Philly. I hadn't seen Adam in a year and a half, when he last visited me in Baltimore. It was great to see him, I think we talked for 5 hours straight the first night and another 6 hours straight the next day. We're pretty well caught up now! Then this week, I FINALLY got back up to Mikey's cabin in the Poconos and got to see him for a couple days, and just chill. He went back to NYC today, so now I have a few days by myself to catch up on some reading and writing. I haven't been here since October, I really missed it, and Mikey. Also this week, my friend Bentley moved back to Baltimore, which makes me very happy. If all goes well, he will be my new roommate by the end of the summer, too.

All that is well and good and makes me happy to reconnect with my good friends, but the most important thing to happen this month is that I landed a job that I really, really wanted. Lately it was getting harder and harder to keep my chin up. A couple months ago I totally botched a job interview, by making the fatal error of not looking at the company's website before going to the meeting. A very dumb mistake, but it simply slipped my mind to do so - I hadn't been on a proper job interview in more than 13 years, and back then, not everybody even HAD a website. Then last month, a freelance gig that would have carried me through the entire summer fell through - after I had nearly maxed out my credit cards on a trip and surgery for my dog. I was starting to lose hope that I could continue to survive doing what I love doing, and would be forced to go back to what I once loved but now hate - hotel or restaurant management. There are good jobs out there in the hospitality industry that I would be more than qualified for, but just the thought of going back into that made me very depressed.

I was beginning to wonder if everything I have been doing for the last four years had been a waste of time. In a span of less than three years (the first year working on rewriting the screenplay for "Smalltimore") I worked on a total of eighteen productions, only three of which were my own projects, and won five awards. One-third of those films I worked on gratis, choosing those projects very carefully, to build my resume, my contacts, and a stockpile of favors. On other people's projects, I was most often a producer and/or assistant director, but I also racked up writing credits on five productions other than my own, and even a few acting credits.

But the last few months, things just seemed to stop clicking. People I thought I could count on turned out not to be what I thought they were. I was finding that a lot that I had paid forward was just that: not to be returned by the people I paid it to. My faith in humanity, and my own judgement of character, was a bit shaken. Still, I tried to hold on to the one credo I have in my life - that it, my life, always turns out the way it is supposed to. Sometimes it takes awhile to get there, sometimes it is a very scenic and unexpected route, but it always does get there. And once again, it has.

I won't mention the company name yet. I start work on Tuesday, and I want to make sure it is cool with them for me to talk about on my blog. But I can tell you that I will have the interesting title of Script Engineer. What the hell is that, you ask? Well, writing will be only about one-third of my job, and the rest will be rather technical computer programming that is going to take many months of training to get me up to speed. I will be scripting interactive training videos, which may sound boring but I don't think it will be boring at all. Some of these videos will be used to train people for jobs such as drug and alcohol counselors, people who deal with victims of sexual assault or abuse, and criminal investigators, among others. I will be a part of a team that researches these vocations in great detail, and then design programs to help them do their jobs more effectively. Getting to do what I love most, in a way that actually helps people? Pretty damn cool.

Of course, we'll see how it goes, but from what I know about it so far, this is a job that was practically custom tailored to my strengths, combining logic, empathy, and creativity. And to have a "regular" job in which I get paid to write has been probably the only consistent goal I have ever had in my life. I can't begin to tell you what that means to me. It was only one year ago that I received my first check ever for a writing gig. I probably only charged half of what I should have - but I likely would have been just as thrilled to do it for half of what I did get paid. For me, it was validation of the highest order. Like the first time I sold a photograph, I finally felt I could refer to myself as a photographer, or the first time "Smalltimore" was accepted to a festival, I could introduce myself as being a filmmaker. I know that I have always been a writer, but to be able to say that I do it for a living carries a weight that I have always longed for. I have never been so excited to start a job. No more sleeping in! No more Law & Order marathons! And I am actually happy about that!

So, I still haven't talked about the image at the top of this posting. This is the tarot card, "Strength," the eighth card in the deck. Something you may not know about me, I have, off and on for many years, read tarot cards, and I am told that I am pretty good at doing so. Strength is my favorite card, and is the card I use to represent myself in a reading. The image really speaks to me. Here is a woman, alone, dressed in a pure white robe, but her waist is entwined with red roses, significant of desire. The devil really is in the details. She is standing with a her hands on a lion. She may be opening its mouth or closing it, but either way, she has tamed this beast that in reality she should fear. The cold blue mountains in the distance represent logic, but there is also much green vegetation in the picture. A lemniscate of Eternal Life, also known as a figure 8, floats above her head. This card is about courage and fearlessness, but it is also about balance, and the importance of finding harmony between opposing forces. I don't know a lot about numerology, but there is something special about that symbol, "8". Everything is cyclical, everything comes back around. You get back whatever it is that you put out there in the universe. You might not get it back from the people or place that you think you will, but you will get it back. That is important to remember.

I start my new job on Tuesday, May 31st, which also happens to be my 44th birthday.

4 + 4 = 8


.

The Winds of Change

This photo is of a wind farm at the top of a mountain on Route 30 in Pennsylvania. I have traveled this road countless times, though it is only in the last few years that the wind farm appeared. Growing up in Pennsylvania, we would take Route 30 through the Laurel Highlands to come down to D.C. to visit my Grandmother. Now, starting in the opposite direction, I take this road from Baltimore to visit my Mother in Pennsylvania. Along this same road, also known as the Lincoln Highway, is a bison farm. That wasn't there when I was little either, at least not that I can remember, and I think I would remember seeing a field of big woolly bison. There is also the remnants of a magical place called Storybook Forest, now closed, that we used to go to when I was very young. You could walk through Snow White's house, and the shoe from the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe..." At Bald Knob Summit, the highest point and most winding stretch of road on the trip, is a scenic lookout where you can see seven counties, on a clear day. Just past that used to be an amazing hotel that was built to look like a giant ship, it looked like the real thing, perched right on top of the mountain. We never went inside of it, but it was one of the markers that my brother and I always got excited about seeing on the way to Grandma's. It burned to the ground a long time ago. Not far from there, in tiny Shanksville, is a sign directing travelers to the Flight 93 Memorial, where that jet crashed on 9/11. I have stopped there a couple times, though I haven't been there since the memorial actually went up, so I don't know what it looks like. When I went there, it was just a big, grassy field, and you could kind of see where the earth had been carved by the wreckage. It reminded me of the field I saw in Lockerbie, Scotland. Two friends of mine were killed on Pan Am 103, that exploded over Lockerbie in 1988. I went to see Lockerbie for myself about 15 years later. There, too, the earth, though scarred, had healed itself.

At the top of Laurel Mountain on Route 30, about 45 minutes away from where I grew up, is the dilapidated remains of a restaurant that my Father owned when I was in high school. By then my parents were divorced, and my brother and I spent many weekends up there. I really loved that place, and would dream of when I was all grown up and would inherit the business from my Dad. The jukebox had had John Cougar Mellancamp and Toni Basil. Dad would let us play the video poker machine if no one was in the bar. It is a pretty isolated spot, and a lot of the clientele were bikers, including some Pagans. They were always nice to us, though, and I remember teaching one of them how to play the arcade game Ladybug. And the cook grew pot back in the woods behind the building.

It is funny to me now, thinking so far back, that at that time I thought that that place, and that business, was my future. I did go on to work in and manage restaurants for awhile, and so did my brother. It had never occurred to me, regardless of my love for writing and drawing, that growing up to be an artist of any sort was a viable option. It took me most of my life, and it took Baltimore, to show me that it was not only an option, but a moral imperative.

Today I spent the afternoon at the Reginald F. Lewis Museum of African-American Art, filming Joyce J. Scott, who is the subject of a documentary I am working on, giving a talk. (by the way, do yourself a favor and go to see the exhibit there called "Material Girls" that just opened; Joyce has 6 pieces in this exhibit, plus several pieces in the museum's permanent collection) Steve Yeager was kind enough to come with me and operate the camera. Joyce spoke for almost an hour, showing slides of her work, and of her family, and talking about how she evolved as an artist. She joked that she was an artist "in vitro", and claimed to have put her signature on her placenta when she popped out, so her parents could sell it and make some money. Everyone laughed, of course, and so did I, but I also knew she was perfectly serious. Joyce has been an artist all of her life, it is all she has ever been or wanted to be. She is probably the most gifted person I have ever met. And as she put it, when someone asked her about being an artist at the talk today, she is, "the right person for the job."

As I listened, and laughed, from time to time I found myself getting very emotional. I try to make sure that at all times, I appreciate what I have, where I am in life, and the company that I keep. And here I was, at 2:36 pm on February 19th, in a wonderful museum in my favorite city in the world, making a movie about this amazing woman who has agreed to let me spend the next year finding out everything I can about her. Have I mentioned that Joyce has two pieces of her work in the Smithsonian? Have I mentioned that my camera man, Steve Yeager, is a Sundance Award-winning director? And have I mentioned, most importantly, that they are both my friends? Sometimes I just can't believe how lucky and blessed I am, and today was one of those days.

It was one of those, "If you told me five years ago, that I would be..." moments. I have those once in awhile. But it was more than that. It hasn't even been three years since I made my first film. I didn't realize, when I was making "Smalltimore", that it would change my life forever. But it did. I learned a lot about Joyce today that I didn't know, and I realized that one year from now, I will once again have transformed. There is no way that this project is NOT going to change me, significantly. I don't know how it is going to change me, exactly, but I believe it will be for the better. Change is almost always for the better. I am glad that I am not afraid of change anymore.

My Dad's restaurant has been empty for many years now. The roof is caving in, windows are broken, and a collection of abandoned vehicles are rusting in the overgrown parking lot. It makes me a little sad when I see it. I wish it were a place where I could stop in and have a beer, introduce myself to the proprieter and reminisce a little. But, maybe it is better this way.

Scattered Pictures...

(Me during rehearsals for Smalltimore, way back in July of 2008, also known as, yesterday. Photo by Richard Payne)

I recently found a file containing photos from "Smalltimore" rehearsals that I have not previously published. As I sit in my home office, surrounded by hard drives and head shots, I am kind of floored about where I am right now, compared to the moments captured in these photos, only two and a half years ago.

It may be hard to tell from the above photo, but actually I was really happy. This was not a posed shot, I was honestly engrossed in what the actors were doing. I'll share some photos of that at the end of this post. Maybe I wasn't so much happy as... focused. I want to be able to look back at that time, of those two grueling weeks of production that came after 4 months of non-stop pre-production, and tell you how much fun I had. And I did, sometimes, but most of the time I looked exactly like this photo, i.e., stressed. That is just how I look when I am thinking. The good thing about it is, it keeps people from interrupting me while I am thinking because they are a little bit frightened of me when I am in that state. The bad thing is that I continue to look like this when, say, someone snaps a photo of me.

I could be wrong, but I think I actually look younger now than I do in this photograph. I AM thinking, and focused, right this minute, but I am also smiling from ear to ear. Yesterday I sealed a deal with a client who contracted me to adapt a script for her; we are in pre-production now. I'll be producing and directing her film this summer. Today I received a letter from the Creative Alliance, to confirm that I will be teaching two film-related classes there in April. Today I also introduced some of the soundtrack artists from "Smalltimore" to Chris LaMartina, writer/director of "Witch's Brew" that I worked on last summer. Hopefully he can use some of their music for that soundtrack. Tonight I had a casting call with another client, for a music video we are shooting next month. I'm also producing and directing that, and likely shooting both with my partner in crime, Director of Photography Extraordinaire, Michelle Farrell. Tomorrow I have a lunch meeting with a gentleman who is starting up a new film festival here in Baltimore, the Baltimore Film Festival International. I'll be speaking at their event this coming Monday evening (2/7), at Breathe Books in Hampden. After that appointment tomorrow, I will be meeting with Jineara Dawn, a young filmmaker and actor with whom I have worked on several projects. We have at least three projects to talk about, that I want to get her on board. Friday night I'll be attending my friend Mauricio Osorio's premiere of his documentary, "On One Field," at the Creative Alliance. It received an amazing write-up in today's City Paper, check it out! Later this month I will be working on the next-to-last shoot for Steve Yeager's film, "The Rosens". This is the opening of the film, a scene which I wrote.

Sounds exciting, doesn't it? It is, despite the fact that I lost my job-job (and health insurance, and living quarters, and cushy paycheck) eleven months ago. If the subject comes up in conversation, sometimes when I tell people that, they give me the sad face and say they are so sorry. I'm not. Not for a minute. It doesn't come up much anymore, and I am trying not to let it come up at all. It was another life, a lifetime ago. I no longer have one foot in the boat and one on the nice, safe pier. I am sailing the seven seas! No longer am I a former hotel manager. I am a filmmaker. That is all.



[Cheryl Scungio, one of the most dedicated actors I have ever worked with.]



[My boys! Johnny Benson, Darik Bernard, and Phil Calvert. I love this photo.]



[Kelly Coston, Johnny, and Cheryl, rehearsing one of my favorite scenes in the movie. It wasn't really an important scene, but the chemistry between the three is amazing and hilarious.]



[Kyle Holtgren and Kelly. Good lord, we laughed so much during rehearsal for this scene! Why didn't anyone take a picture of me then?!]



[Orlando Gonzales, Joyce J. Scott, and Cheryl. I have published this photo before, but it is one of my favorites. There is no scene where Gracie (Cheryl) hugs Mrs. Talford (Joyce). I can't remember exactly what happened, but either Orlando or Cheryl screwed up their line in a way that if taken out of context could be seen as offensive. And Joyce can just NEVER let something like that slide. She had us all cracking up.]



[Orlando catching his breath between rehearsing make-out sessions with Cheryl. He turned Snooki down for a make-out session in a club in Miami last year! I am not making this up.]



[and finally... if that a...? It is! A SMILE!!! It was an amazing experience, that played a big part in where I find myself today. I thank everyone in these photos, plus the rest of the cast and crew, for being a part of it. Yay, memories...]

A Good Problem to Have

[Jennifer Swartout portrays Janis Joplin in the movie short, "Janis." Go to the Facebook page "Steel Corset Productions" for details and find out where and when YOU can see it!]

Hey there... another long spell of not blogging... I know, I suck, but it is just that I have been so crazy busy I have had no time or energy to write. But I really DO want to keep you in the loop! So please join me on my new Facebook page, STEEL CORSET PRODUCTIONS ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Baltimore-MD/Steel-Corset-Productions/169509529729209?ref=ts ).

There, in the soundbite style we have all become accustomed/addicted to, you can find out exactly what I am/have been/will be up to, and find out in a way timely enough so that you may actually attend some of these events instead of just hearing about the aftermath! Also I will be posting there whenever people like extras, interns, or production assistants are needed, so if you have always wanted to work on a movie set you will likely soon have the opportunity. I will also list calls for crew and actor auditions there, for my own projects as well as my filmmaker friends.

I'm going to try to be a better twitterer, too, but no promises there.

But become a fan ("like") Steel Corset Productions ASAP, because things are happening! Tomorrow night is the premiere screening of, "Lamplight," at the Wind-up Space, where you will also be able to see the very first teaser/trailer for Chris Lamartina's "Witch's Brew." And if you see a young woman that looks like a pretty version of Janis Joplin, that is my friend Jen Swartout who indeed portrays Janis Joplin in a short we collaborated on this summer that will be screening soon at the Creative Alliance. So, in a nutshell that is tomorrow night, you can see the fruits of my summer of labor. But you need to go to the Facebook page to get all the details, because it is a lot of info and, as usual, I am exhausted!

P.S. this does NOT mean I am completely abandoning the blog! I will post a link to it on the SCP Facebook page whenever I make a new post. I am heading to the Poconos for several days, so I very well may have some time to write!

DUDE...

"DUDE...," as I have come to know this phrase, is short for, "DUDE, you don't even KNOW..." Which is pretty much how I would describe my life to just about anyone these days.

I had a late lunch with the Director I am currently working with, Chris Lamartina. I got called, "Dude," quite a bit during that conversation. With most people of the opposite sex, I have a problem if they call me, "dude". But for Chris, I understand. I've been working with him for for about a month now on the set, and there are different inflections of dude-ism with him. Sometimes it means, "Really, dude, what the hell?!" Sometimes it means, "Dude, just work with me." And sometimes it means, "Dude, I'm pretty sure you know what I am talking about." For the most part, with me, I think so anyway, I get the latter.

Currently I am working as Assistant Director on Chris' latest flick, "Witch's Brew". I am having an absolute blast. I want to tell you all about it, and all about the half dozen other projects I am involved in at the moment, but honestly, I am just so frickin' EXHAUSTED. So that, being exhausted as a direct result of being busy, is why I am, at the moment, a horrible blogger. A good problem to have, methinks.

The bottom line, which I hope to have time to tell you more about, soon, is that I feel like things are working out the way I had hoped, and that my personal and professional investments are paying off. I can honestly refer to myself as a freelance filmmaker now.

There are some realities about that that are not so convenient, like not having health insurance. Sunday night on the set, I grabbed a piece of caramel candy from the craft services table. That 5 cent pice of candy cost me $120, after it pulled out a dental crown. But, whatever, things happen.

The larger picture is that I am... poor...ish... but ridiculously happy. I am not even exaggerating. DUDE. I mean, you can do things that pay the bills; you can do things that suit you; and you can do what you were meant to do. It does not bother me that I am finding out now that I should be doing this. I am not sure I would have been able to do it earlier in my life.

But seriously, Dude. I went out for dinner with friends tonight, and a few martinis later I am a bit loopy. Glad I could make a short post (I have been feeling guilty about it), but would love to chat more when I have the time as well as the cognitive fortitude. I don't expect you to stay sharply tuned, when I slag off and only post every once in a blue moon. But I will let you know if I ever intend to abandon it completely, so until then, check in with me once in awhile!

Toodles,
JC

Soaking Up The Sun

[Sunset on Lake Harmony. You didn't think I would be up at sunRISE, did you?]

I didn't really tell anyone I was coming up to Mikey's cabin, not even Mikey, until I was walking out my door, and he didn't get the message and get back to me until I was arriving at his. Friends with real estate are the best friends to have, I say. He's working, so he's not here, just me and the pups... and the chipmunks, who won't shut up, and the deer, who don't make a peep, and the rain, which makes a much different sound falling on soft earth than it does on harsh pavement. I needed this.

Just needed a few days of nothingness to clear my head and get some work done. On my plate: a contract to finalize with Michelle to grant distribution rights so that our short, The Red-Headed Menace, can be added as a special feature to her DVD of "Unraveling Michelle" when it receives distribution later this summer; a ballpark proposal to PM/AD a short over Labor Day weekend; reading through a 114 page script of a feature for a director who wants to shoot later this summer; wrapping my mind around the direction we need to go in for a sort of historical fiction short I am directing next month, for our rehearsal on Tuesday; ready a proposal letter for a major project of my own that needs to get off the ground in the next 2 weeks and will take at least a year to complete; finalizing a few details for shooting on Steve Yeager's feature, "The Rosens," our biggest and most important scene yet, on Saturday; and finally, Facebook blasting about Monday's Cinelounge meeting at The Creative Alliance. There would have been another feature script to read, but I haven't received the copy yet, so maybe next week on that one. Might need a second retreat to the woods!

My birthday was on Monday, so I had an awesome three-day weekend celebration. Saturday, went to a D.C. United game (first time to a pro soccer game) with a group of friends. My friend Elizabeth's boyfriend Paul is a member of a fan group called La Barra Brava. They are nuts, my kinda people! We had a blast. Sunday we went to the track, Charles Town, a birthday tradition. First time in four years I have not won "big" (apparently, the trick is to go ON my actual birthday), but still had a great time. And Monday, my friend Alvina hosted a birthday/Memorial Day cookout for me which was AWESOME and I have the tub of extra CoolWhip Sunshine Cake frosting to prove it!!! ...minus a few spoonfuls...

Some friends there, and elsewhere, have been asking, "So what about New York?" This is what I have to say about it, something I have thought a lot about: if I can make a living here in Charm City, doing what I love to do, in a city that I love more than any place I have ever lived or even any place I have ever visited, I will stay here. I don't need to be rich, I don't need to be famous. I need to be able to pay my rent, to feed and clothe myself, to afford to have a car and put gas in it, to socialize without regret, and to travel once in awhile. If I can do all those things comfortably, I would rather do that here than anywhere else on the planet. No kidding. If I won the lottery, yes, of course I would buy an apartment in Paris! But that would be my second home.

There are other things in the works as well, but I won't discuss publicly until they gel, for fear of jinxing them. Bottom line is, I am happy. I have moved out of the inn (where I previously worked/lived/got laid off from) and I now have a housemate in Charles Village, Lisa, who is awesome and will likely be mentioned in numerous blog posts (and immortalized in character in future film projects, because she is HILARIOUS - to the point I feel I should be legally able to write off my monthly rent as a business expense, as character research). Life is good. There is a line from a Sheryl Crow song that says,

It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got.

At the moment, I feel I have both. If that changes, I'll do something about it. But right now, if you don't mind, there is a chilled bottle of wine in the fridge singing to me its siren song...

Chaos, Controlled and Otherwise

Hey there, sorry to have been a bad blogger, but have spent the last month wrapping up a huge chapter in my life (12+ years). It was a good run but I am happy to have moved on. In brief (more later), I have decided for the time being to remain in Baltimore. Great things are afoot here, and to move to NYC now just for the Cool Points would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I have been so busy between moving residences and moving pictures that I can't believe I ever had time for a job-job. I am now officially a freelance filmmaker (i.e., unemployed), and I couldn't be happier. I am breaking down scripts for other people's projects, consulting on productions from one-day shorts to feature films, this weekend I am actually shooting a long-lost scene for "Smalltimore,", next week shooting the final pick-up days for "Lamplight," and I am cooking up one or two shorts of my own for this summer, plus a feature to be shot over the next year, but I need to nail down some details before I talk much about that. So, extremely busy but I promise to give you a more detailed update soon. Need to sleep now, though. Tomorrow I am painting my new room. Presently it is a shade of dark pumpkin that is making me a little mental. Perhaps I'll have some before & after pics for you in the next posting!

Adventures in Pennsyltucky

[My high school BFF Lauren during our adventure to the Poconos Snake & Animal Farm. She jumped on the curb that was painted like a snake and said, "Look, I'm the Virgin Mary!" This is Lauren's brain. This is Lauren's brain after 12 years of Catholic school. Any questions?]

"Home again, home again, jiggity jog..." My Mom used to always say that whenever we would get back from a trip. She probably still does. I have absolutely no idea where it came from or what it means. And I am not sure if it sprang to my mind now because I am back home in Baltimore, or because I just visited my Mom in the town I grew up in in PA. That's P-A. That's how people in Pennsylvania say "Pennsylvania". P.A. I have no idea how that came about either. I can't imagine telling anyone that I live in M-D!

"Pennsyltucky," as far as I know, used to refer to the semi-backwoods swath of land between the civilizations of Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. But now I think it pretty much refers to the whole state. I do love Pennsylvania, most of it is very beautiful, and in most areas the people are fairly friendly, non-pretentious, and family-oriented. There is always a cookie table at weddings there, and it is the only place I have ever seen pierogies on a Chinese Buffet. But it seems to have evolved - well, maybe, "morphed," is a better word - from a through and through Blue State (very liberal, very blue collar) to a Red State thinly veiled as a Blue State. God help us if coal mines and/or the Pittsburgh Steelers ever cease to exist. All hope will then be lost.

But, I hate talking politics, so that is all I will say on the matter. Just scares me a bit, that's all. A lot of times when people find out I am from the Pittsburgh area but currently live in Baltimore, they will say that Pittsburgh reminds them a lot of Baltimore. There are a lot of similarities, I concur. But Baltimore is much more progressive. I know people in Pennsylvania who honestly believe that they don't know any homosexuals. It would be sad if it weren't so funny, and vice-versa.

I drove over 1,000 miles between last Thursday and Sunday, and though I was hoping that time on the road would help me clarify a few things in my head, it only muddled them up a bit more. Particularly it made me question whether I really WANT to go on this road trip I have been talking about so incessantly. My drive home yesterday was lovely, but driving roundtrip from my Mom's to the Poconos in dreary, overcast conditions just made me bored and sleepy.

I did have a great time with Lauren, my BFF from high school who still lives in the area. I stole her away from her husband and kids for the weekend, and our stack of mini-adventures included visiting the Poconos Snake & Animal Farm, Dingmans Ferry waterfalls, shopping in a cute little town called Milford, dining there at Bar Louis for their sushi pizza that I often dream about, and feeding pretzels to the scrawny deer in Mikey's front yard. Less exciting, but somehow more adventurous, than the real monkeys at the Poconos Snake & Animal Farm, was our search for the Ghost Monkeys of the Poconos at a place simply called The Candle Shoppe.

Lauren is the one who told me about the ghost monkeys, and knowing her as long as I have, it sounded to me like a typical Lauren-ism, where maybe she had blended two (or three, or more) stories together in her head and had unwittingly invented the whole thing. But, no, the Ghost Monkeys are real! Or, at least, there is really a story about Ghost Monkeys. We found the Candle Shoppe, about 20 miles from Mikey's cabin. Animal Planet had filmed an episode of "A Haunting" there last year about the Ghost Monkeys, and the shop(pe) has cleverly taken full advantage of it. Among the hundreds and hundreds of different double-scented candles you can find a particular one termed "Monkey Breath," as well as loads of t-shirts and stuffed monkeys. It's brilliant, really. A candle shop(pe) that kids beg their parents to take them to! They are even starting tours of the haunted basement after Memorial Day. Between Lauren and myself, we spent about $100 on gifts, and I will be taking Mikey there after the tours start, for sure!

So that was fun. But, alas, I didn't find the easy answers I was hoping for. I have found myself using the word, "alas," far too often lately.

I have a couple meetings lined up this week about working on some features this summer, and until these pan out, or don't, I can't figure out where I will be living or what I will be doing. IN the immortal words of Soul II Soul, it is, "back to life, back to reality," whatever that means. I did see some amazing places in PA that I would love to film in, I will tell you about them in my next post. I need to go do one of the many packing-related things I am procrastinating about right this very minute, though. It is good to be home. I just kind of wish I knew where home is going to be a month from now.

Back to Basics

[Me and my best friend from high school, Lauren, on our last adventure to the Football Hall of Fame, August 2009]

Man, I am wiped out. In the past 35 days, I have been on the set ten days on "Lamplight," including an overnight trip to Bethany Beach, 1 day on "The Rosens," 6 days on "Rock Creek," in D.C. (so add 3 hours of commuting time to each of those days), taught my Pre-Production class at the Creative Alliance, hosted the April Cinelounge meeting also at Creative Alliance, had two yard sales, read and reviewed a feature-length script for Michelle, and had a meeting with my friend Jen Swartout about a short she wants to do. And probably some other stuff I am forgetting. Good thing I am unemployed at the moment. Who has time for a job?

Have several meetings lined up in the next couple days, hopefully one or two that might lead to some paying gigs this summer. Baltimore does not seem quite ready to let me go yet. To make matters better/worse/more complicated, I keep meeting/working with cool people on the set that make me want to stay in the area so I can work on projects with them.

Of course, "Lamplight," as I have already told you, has been a blast, and we are not quite through yet. Have another day on the set with Jason Koch and the like on Tuesday, and another trip to the beach next month when Johnny Alonso is back in town. Jason and another person I met on his set, Mauricio Osorio, were kind enough to volunteer to work a few days in D.C. on my friend Mark Aguirre's project, "Rock Creek". It was great on those days to have someone with me on the long, irritating drive to and from D.C. I can't believe people do that commute every day! We saw so many car accidents, and Thursday night when Jason was with me we had to drive back in a torrential downpour. Jason and I have become great friends and we talk all the time now, and already have talked about working on several new projects together in the next few months. It has been fun getting to know Mauricio better also. He has had footage for a fantastic documentary in the can for several years now, and I am lighting a fire under him to get it finished. I am hoping he'll have a short or a trailer ready for the May Cinelounge, I'll tell you more about that as it comes together, but I am very anxious to see him finish it, I think it is going to be beautiful.

On the set of "Rock Creek," I have met even more folks that I want to work with again, namely Rob Benica (DP), Chip Burden (sound), and Jae Shim (grip/PA). Mark (writer/director) really challenged himself and the crew with this piece, we had a lot of locations, including federal parks, which are always a pain because you have no choice but to do things by the book, and some scenes that take place at Christmas so there was loads of set dressing. By our last day of shooting (though we have one pick-up day to go) on Friday, we were all getting a bit punchy, and since the actors had to do wardrobe and make-up in a separate location, it was more hurry-up-and-wait than usual. Most of the day we were in Rock Creek Park, which was lovely, if chilly, so sometimes it was myself and four guys sitting in Rob's car waiting for Mark to get back with the actors. Peppered in with the usual movie talk (comparing favorite flicks and arguing about best/worst films ever), the guys exchanged anecdotes about masturbation and who their first wet dream was about. Most of the time I enjoy being the only (or one of the few) women on a crew. Sometimes, not so much.

I wasn't really offended, though I stopped them before we got to that point. They are good guys and we had fun. At the beginning of the day, Rob told me that my job was to remind him to put the polarizing lens on the camera before we started shooting. Since I am not really a camera person, and I was likely to forget this, I wrote it on the palm of my hand. Somehow this turned into a "thing". Every once in awhile I would flash the palm of my hand at Rob, and he would shout out, "POLARIZEEEEER!!!" in this high-pitched voice. Just one of those stupid-funny things that evolve on a set when you need to distract and entertain yourselves, especially when things get stressful. It even made Mark laugh after the park police came by and kicked us out after threatening to arrest us because our permit had expired.

I am a little frustrated because of the three projects I have been working on, none of them is quite wrapped, and I really want to put them all to bed and move on. "Rock Creek," has a day left, "Lamplight" has 2 or 3 short days, and "The Rosens," probably has a solid 4 or 5 days of shooting to get everything in the can. Pile on top of that that I have to move at the end of the month and have had no time to myself or time to really pack because I've been so busy on these projects, and I am a bit stressed out. But, relief is on the way. Thursday I am heading to Pennsyltucky to visit my Mom and to drop off some things at her place that she is going to store for me, and then I am kidnapping one of my best friends, Lauren, to go up to Mikey's cabin for the weekend. I need to take some things up to Mikey's for storage also, but mostly I just need some distance from my life so I can get some perspective on everything. I am feeling a bit muddled at the moment.

Right now it is looking like, once I vacate my apartment at the end of the month, I am going to stay at the cabin for about 6 weeks, but come back to Baltimore several times to finish up some projects and to spend my birthday with my friends. I'm still in Baltimore the first week of May, though, as I will be hosting Cinelounge again so I am crashing at my friend Elizabeth's for a few days. I don't know if I am going to hang around for the Maryland Film Festival or not. I want to and I should, but I guess I will play that by ear. I am anxious to get to the cabin and clear my head. This weekend there with Lauren will dust away some of the cobwebs, but it is also about catching up with her and having fun, giving her a break from her daily responsibilities of house/husband/kids, not time totally to myself, which I will very much be in need of by next month.

It seems I will be working on a one-day shoot with my friend Jen Swartout around June 6, and my friend Ronnie Goodwin from Glasgow will be in NYC on June 2, with his short titled, "Shooter," in a film festival up there, so I want to go to NYC again to catch him there (I am going to NYC this month also, to see Bentley's piece in a group exhibit called "Dead or Alive" at the Museum of Art & Design). But I think New York is going to have to wait a little longer for me. After Jen's shoot, I am still determined to take my cross-country road trip. Depending on if/when the paying gigs this summer start will determine how long the trip will be and when I need to return to Charm City. I am hoping that they will carry me through September, then at the end of that month I am going back to the Outer Banks for a week with the same friends I traveled with last year. Last night I handed my friend Alvina the $500 I made from my yard sales, so that even if I am living in a cardboard box by then, I am going on vacation at the end of September!

So long story short, absolutely nothing is in stone, and I am not really worried about it. I am looking forward to having all my wordly belongings packed up in a POD and spirited away, and only having my dogs and a couple suitcases of clothing to worry about. Right now I am feeling every ounce of my possessions weighing on my shoulders. I just want them to be away from me so I can concentrate on what will truly make me happy. I am always pretty happy, but I feel like I am about to experience a sense of freedom that I have never fully felt before, and I am anxious to get on with it. I am also very much looking forward to my weekend at my dear friend Mikey's cabin in the Poconos with my dear friend Lauren. Like I've said before, it is a good reminder to me that if you love someone and they love you, geography doesn't mean a thing. C'est vrai.

Warding Off the PPD

[Driving around Lake Harmony last autumn, likely my temporary home in May]

It is 11:05p.m. on a Monday night, and I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything film-related today, and other than making a couple phone calls and/or emails, I don't have to do anything film-related tomorrow, either. It is quiet as a tomb (if a tomb had two little dogs sniffing around, and was located on a rather busy Baltimore street) in my apartment. It is nice. I got the whole way through a movie ("Stranger Than Fiction") without the phone ringing once or even beeping with a text message. Ah, bliss.

But it won't last for long - the quiet, not the bliss. Bliss comes in many forms, for a Gemini like myself. Wednesday I am finally back on the set with Steve Yeager's project, "The Rosens", filming in Towson Diner and Bel-Loc Diner. Should be good. Thursday and Friday, filming in D.C. on a new short written and directed by my friend Mark Aguirre, called, "Rock Creek". It is good to stay busy, though after "Rock Creek," wraps, I can't take on any other film projects until I move at the end of April. I have too much to do.

We wrapped principle photography on "Lamplight" Sunday night. It was bittersweet, at least to me, but I think to most everyone actually. We had a really good cast and crew, everyone got along beautifully and we had a lot of fun. We have a few more pick-ups, but we can only do one scene now, have to wait for Johnny Alonso to get back into town, probably in May, to finish the other shots. He is busy on several different projects all over the world (literally) between now and then, mostly with his television show "NASA 360" which airs on the Discovery Channel.

After knowing Johnny peripherally for a couple years (we know lots of the same people, but had never really worked together, just run into each other at various screenings) not only do we get to work on a set, but we get to be in a scene together, which we shot last night. Speaking as an A.D., Johnny is a total pro and a pleasure to work with, but speaking as a non-actor who had to act in a scene with him, I can't even explain to you how many extra miles he goes for the scene, and for the people he is working with. What am I talking about? Of course I can! That's what I do!

As I have said before, I am not an actor, but taking on a small role now and then helps to keep me on my toes and helps me to be a better director by putting myself in the actor's shoes. My role(s) in "Lamplight," however, were the first time that I was not playing myself or a character based on myself. It was concurrently more fun and more nerve-wracking that way.

I had three scenes total, two as the lead character Perry's mother in flashback scenes, which we shot earlier in production. In those scenes it was a very small set, and I was fairly comfortable though still a little nervous. We shot one scene Saturday night that was a hoot in some ways and horrifying in others. The horrifying part was that I had to say mean things about a little boy, and that really was not easy at all, but Jason walked me through it beautifully. The fun part was that I got to be in a scene with Regina Guy (now we have starred in two movies together, this and "The Red-Headed Menace"!), and also this hilarious, pure(in?)bred Baltimorean named Butchie. Zinnia Films made a documentary about Butchie called, "Southside Survivor," that hopefully will be screening within the year. I've seen some clips and it is fantastic. It was a treat to meet Butchie and play opposite him, even just for a couple lines. He had me and Regina laughing so hard it was difficult to do the serious part of the scene after he left, but we managed. Butchie (and a 6-pack of Natty Boh, and a couple shots of Amaretto) helped me to relax and I think I did all right.

During my close-up, at the end of one of the takes, I was laughing. I was a little bit drunk at this point, if I am to be honest. I told Jason way back in January after I read the script for the first time, that if it was all right with him, I'd rather actually be drinking than trying to act drunk, as I don't trust my skills that much yet. In the script there is some flashback stuff where the mother is laughing and I knew we would have to do that at some point. It is so hard to fake laugh without it seeming fake! But at the end of this particular take, I was really laughing, and Regina was sitting across the table from me. The camera was close on me, so it didn't matter what she did, she just couldn't make any noise. I knew if I kept it going, honestly laughing, that Jason would let me roll with it and then I wouldn't have to fake it later and have it be awful. Me laughing was causing Regina to laugh but she had to stifle it, which made me laugh even harder... which made her want to laugh even harder, which made me laugh even more than that, which made everyone in the room have to control themselves from laughing, which made me laugh so hard and so long before Jason finally yelled, "CUT!" that I am sure my face was turning red and I was breaking into a sweat. I even had a bit of a head rush and had a headache for a few minutes.

I don't know how it looks because I don't want to see it for awhile, and I especially did not want to see myself on camera before gearing up to do the scene with Johnny yesterday. Very rarely does any good come out of showing the actors their dailies (footage) before production is wrapped, in my opinion. If an actor asked me to see their footage, I would say no, so I was not about to break my own rules and ask to see it. Even when Dave was playing back some of it on his Macbook Pro the next day, I walked away so I couldn't see it. But I could hear them playing the part where I was laughing, and at least it sounded authentic, which it damn well should have! I almost busted a blood vessel!

Anyway, in my scene with Johnny, I play a bar owner that reminds him of his mom and he loses his shit on me. He blew up at me and it was great, and for his close-ups he looked totally insane. I think he freaked some of the extras out. When it came time for my close-ups, we did it once with Johnny feeding me his lines and it felt pretty good but I could feel myself anticipating too much and I was afraid it didn't look great. Plus, because of where the camera was, Johnny couldn't actually sit in front of me, so I had to look where he had been sitting and pretend I was looking into his crazy eyes like I was in the wide shot, even though he was standing a foot to the right of that spot. For the second take, I asked Johnny, I told him I needed him to really flip on me to get a real reaction, because this just isn't what I do. Johnny is always conscientious of the other actors in his scenes so I knew he would only take it as far as he thought I was comfortable with (which was still pretty far), but I also knew if I gave him license to totally freak on me he would bring it. He screamed at me like a maniac, and afterwards Jason said my reactions looked great. He honestly did shake me up a bit.

But now it is over, pretty much. It is good to have other projects in the wings, to ease me out of production mode day by day over the next two weeks, but "Lamplight" was really special, even to the point of me second-guessing myself about where I am going and what I am doing. Now I have even more, new, friends telling me they don't want me to move away, or telling me they are sad that I will be moving so soon after meeting me... and maybe even some who won't bother getting to know me better because I will be leaving so soon. It is only to New York, I tell them. It's really not that far.

That is what I have to keep telling myself, too. Damn my Gemini self. One part of me can't wait to launch a new adventure. My other internal half is hoping that something or someone will make it impossible to leave. I don't want to cop out due to my fears, and I do have some. I am starting to remember how I felt when I first came to Baltimore, not knowing one single person here, and leaving an incredible, tightly-knit group of friends behind in D.C. My first six months in Baltimore were excruciatingly lonely, and many nights I laid in bed wondering if I had made the biggest mistake in my life. There was nothing terrible in D.C., nothing that drove me out of there. I missed my friends so much sometimes it made me physically ill. But moving to Baltimore, did, in fact, turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Well, we shall see what happens. Nothing is in stone. But... I can't wimp out, either. I couldn't face myself if I felt I was wimping out. I am feeling very confused at the moment, and I am certain that Post-Production Depression is playing a part in that confusion. I have plans to go up to Mikey's cabin one weekend next month. I have to first drive to my hometown to bring some stuff to my Mom's for her to store for me. Then I am going to snag my best friend from high school, Lauren, and take her to the cabin with me, to get us each a weekend away from our respective responsibilities, as well as some fun time together, which we haven't had since last August. I think it will help me put things in perspective. Being at Lake Harmony always helps me to sweep the cobwebs and confusion from my brain, and at this crossroads in my life, I think it is most appropriate that Lauren come along for the ride, and even more appropriate that this getaway take place at Mikey's cabin. I have known Lauren for almost three decades; I have known Mikey for almost two. For all but a few years of that time, I have not lived in the same area as either one of them, but they are and I am certain shall remain for the rest of our lives, two of my very, very closest friends. I know what I want and I need to make some decisions about where the best place is for me to be, geographically speaking, to get it. I have to trust that a little thing like geography won't interfere with my personal relationships. They might take a little extra effort, but it IS only New York.

Nuff Said

[The only pic I took during my NYC visit last month. The wait was 90 minutes to go to the top of the Empire State Building so I just took this snap in the lobby.]

Ugh, sorry about all this whining lately. Feeling sorry for myself is not an emotion I am used to, it's kinda gross. I'm done now.

So, everyone keeps asking me, now what? Now that I have been stripped of my dreams, my heart wrenched from my chest, my --- oops, sorry, there I go again. Just kidding, really. I was very upset when I got the letter saying I was not getting into the DGA training program. But, my friend Greg bought me a pity dinner and my friends have been very supportive, and in some strange way it is another weight off my shoulders. Now I am totally free to carve my own path.

And since absolutely nothing is in stone, I can change the plan up on a whim. Right now I am thinking that I will first spend most of May up at Mikey's cabin, and maybe finally make that short that got cancelled last November. My birthday is on Memorial Day this year, so I need to be at a racetrack with friends on that day, it is tradition (especially after I won $2,700 at Charlestown last year on a $2 bet!)! Then we need to go back to the beach for the final scenes of "Lamplight". After that I think I will jump in my Mustang with my dogs and take that cross-country trip I was talking about before all this DGA stuff came up. And then, move to New York.

My friends keep telling me they don't want me to leave, which is nice to hear, but as they pull me closer to them with one hand, they push me out the door with the other because they all are excited about having a free place to stay in New York! I haven't completely ruled out staying in Baltimore, but it would take something amazing falling from the sky and into my lap. I keep saying that, and people ask me what I mean, what exactly would it take. It would take a film-related job with a decent salary and a future, room for growth, not just treading water. Something I couldn't say no to. If I settled for less than that, I feel like I would be copping out, because the thought of moving to NYC is a little scary. But, 12 years ago I came to Baltimore without knowing a soul and made it my own. 11 years ago I had never left the country, and now I know Paris like the back of my hand, and have crash pads from London to Budapest. New York is daunting, but that is the challenge of it. I can do it again.

But first, that road trip. I was talking about it to some people last night. When I see other people's eyes light up and they say to me, "That would be so cool!" I know I am on the right track. My plan may be in flux, but one thing is in stone: it is my goal, always, to have other people live vicariously through me :) . Somebody has to go out there and have adventures, I want it to be me!

"Unfortunately..."

...a word I am all too familiar with. It is almost guaranteed to be lurking within the first three to five sentences of a rejection letter from any given film festival, including the SENE Festival (South East New England, I think), the last remaining festival I was waiting to hear back from. I was not terribly disappointed, except for the fact that it is yet ANOTHER fest my friend Adam Bronstein's film, "My Movie Girl," did get into, and we kept hoping that we would get to screen together again (we met in Philly last year when we both screened there). But, I am very happy for Adam. For me, it was a small relief not to have to spend money on travel expenses for a fest, now that I am unemployed.

But far more unfortunately, this sinister word also jumped out of another envelope I received yesterday - this one from the Director's Guild of America, telling me I did not make it to the first round of in-person interviews for the program. I won't lie, that one hurts a bit more. Well, all right, I did just lie - that one hurts a lot more.

I opened this literally as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with some friends. I felt sick but I went out anyway. I really just wanted to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling and consider what my options are now and start making decisions about what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life, the next 3 to 6 months in particular.

It still makes the most sense for me to move to New York. But now I don't HAVE to do that by June. Now I can maybe take that extensive road trip I have been daydreaming about. I still have $400 worthof Shell gas cards sitting in my desk. that equals about 8,000 miles (highway) in my car. Not a bad start.

Well, I have a few weeks, maybe more if I go up to Mikey's cabin for the month of May, to figure things out. Right now I am wrapping my mind around purging my belongings. I sold one of my televisions a few days ago, and as I write this a woman is on her way to pick up a piece of Belleek porcelain I am selling. God Bless Craigslist. Though be careful if you use it these days, I have been BOMBARDED with people phishing for my personal info. Annoys the piss out of me.

I am in a mood, to be sure. Glad we don't have any filming and I don't have any personal plans for a few days. I wouldn't be pleasant company. I'll be fine. I have just been living in limbo for so long, I was really hoping for a solid plan for a couple years, in the DGA program. I just have to rethink things and approach them from a different angle. If I wasn't going to get into the program, I have said all along that I wouldn't even want to go to the first interview, wait a month, second interview, wait a month, and THEN get turned down. I'd much rather know now. And now I know.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

And We're Rolling!

[Me having a fake fight with Director Jason Koch on Day 1 of shooting in Ocean City. DP Dave Morley has dubbed us, "Bad Cop, Worse Cop." Guess which one I am? Photo by Johnny Alonso.]

Hurray! It is good to be back on the set. Especially when being on the set includes spending a night at my Uncle Paul's in Bethany Beach so that we could be in Ocean City semi-bright & early. Jason and I went out Wednesday night, DP Dave Morley and our lead Johnny Alonso met us in Ocean City at 9:00am Thursday. We shot for a couple hours, just moody stuff of Johnny by himself on the beach. It was pretty cool being in Ocean City while it was a ghost town.

Had some lunch then our convoy dispersed to reassemble 3 hours later at Gunpowder Falls near Baltimore for more shots of Johnny alone, but this time in the woods. We were done before 5:00pm. Maryland is such a great place to make a movie. We have it all - beach, woods, mountains, city, farmland, the bay... pretty much everything but desert!

I have to make this short because I should have already put out call sheets for Monday and Wednesday. There are only a few of us on those days, but tomorrow is a big shooting day at a bar in Federal Hill, and I don't think we have enough extras so I better get to work. My first week of unemployment and I am busier than I have been in months! And happier, too.

Raising the Bar

[Regina Guy and a mysterious stranger at the premiere of the Chris LaMartina's local indie horror "President's Day" at The Charles Theater.]

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the last three weeks of February.

Well, you already know about most of the bad stuff, if not all of it. These days, pretty much the bad stuff is related to my job-job, and the good stuff is related to filmmaking. So I suppose that should be telling me something. Only a few more days left at the job-job, so the bad stuff should, in theory, be going away, except for that pesky bit about, you know, not having a job. And needing to find new digs.

So let's talk about the good stuff. Something I am really happy about is that I got to see TWO great local indies back to back recently, Chris LaMartina's horror "President's Day," at the Charles last Monday (President's Day :) ), and a (not so) rough cut of Stratatek Studios drama, "Heaven Burns," at Towson this Monday. I really enjoyed both, and if you have the chance to see them I highly recommend that you do.

I love seeing what other local people are doing, but I'll tell you, if you go in there blind (not having seen a sneak peek somehow from someone who had a copy of a screener) sometimes you find yourself thinking of diplomatic things to say in case it sucked and you run into the filmmaker at the afterparty. Not a problem this month! I'll be honest with you, filmmakers, like any other artists, judge themselves against each other, and anyone who tells you that they don't is a liar. So, yea, sometimes it is painful (in certain cases even excruciating), but at least as a filmmaker you can come out of the theater feeling good about yourself. I am sure there are filmmakers that have seen my movie and it wasn't their cup of tea, and they felt better about themselves. It is unavoidable. There will always be people that do what you do better than you do it, and those who don't do it as well. What you do with your opinions of other people's work, in my opinion, is what determines your own karmic future. One thing is universal - even if it is a very, very bad movie - a lot of hard work went into it, and anyone who has made a movie knows this.

What is very cool at the moment is that in the short 2+ years that I have been in the midst of all this, I think that the quality of Baltimore indies has gone WAY up. Seeing films like, "Heaven Burns," and, "President's Day," makes me feel that the bar has been raised, and I have noticed that less of the crappy stuff has been getting as far as a big screen. That may sound harsh, but I have seen some VERY bad vanity pieces that should never have made it past the filmmaker's family living room, and in some cases I even spent $10 to do so. And that just pisses me off.

It is less than a week until we start filming the new Zinnia Films horror short, "Lamplight," and I am so excited about it. Writer/Director Jason Koch is meticulous AND the real deal special effects guy. I am probably not going to even be able to watch half of the finished movie because the gore will ring so true. The cast, the crew, the script, the locations, the SFX, even the soundtrack, everything about this production is really strong and I know the final product is going to be outstanding. And Jason and his business partner/Director of Photography David Morley have been doing this stuff for a living for years now, and they are all about the turnaround time. No waiting for three years to see the movie!

Ugh, have to go do some work-work now, I have a lot of loose ends to tie up in my final hours. March is almost completely tied up for me, between working on, "Lamplight with Jason & Dave, and finishing up, "The Rosens," with Steve Yeager. After that I guess I better concentrate on finding a job-job again. I see a lot of pasta dinners in my future.

Don't Let the Door Hitcha

Sorry no pics today. I am in New York and don't have the cord to connect my camera to Mikey's laptop. This post probably won't be too long because I have to get ready to go over to my friend Mark's (a.k.a. Ace, a nickname from high school. I never call him Mark) place in Murray Hill. Lucky me, he lives a block away from where I am taking the big scary test tomorrow! = extra sleep.

I'm not scared of the test, actually. Well, not THAT scared. From what I have gathered, it is one of those tests that you fill in the little circles with your number 2 pencil, and it is designed to measure your problem-solving abilities. Over 20 years in hotel management and a few in independent film, that's all I DO is problem solve. Should be fine. I'll be more interested to see how many people are there.

I am very nervous right now, but not because of the test. Too long of a story and the details are not important, but I thought I wasn't going to have to move out of my current apartment until at least June. Then I received an email from my boss last night telling me to be out by April first! I about had a cow. My apartment is huge, over 900 square feet, and I have lived there for 12 years. Do you have any idea how much STUFF I have? And I am not hoarder whatsoever! It just accumulates, you know? So I have loads to sort through and get rid of (yard sales every weekend in April, please come by and buy things!), and decide if I am going to rent a storage space or what. If I move to NYC, I will definitely only be able to afford a studio. That is going to be an enormous adjustment. I hate not having another room. Though one thing I am VERY excited about is that now I can have WINDOWS!!! My current apartment is in the basement and I get zero light.

Anyway, I talked them into letting me stay until May 1. But I still have a lot of work in front of me.

The whole thing is such an overwhelming hassle. I don't have a job so no one is going to want to rent to me. But it is hard to find a job if I am not living there! And it is SOOOOOOOO expensive. Easily one thousand dollars a month for a studio, plus of course a security deposit and if you go through a broker another fat fee on top of that. Figure on having $3K just to walk in the door.

So I don't know what I am going to do. I tell you what I am NOT going to do is move TWICE. But do I move to NYC May 1, or do I save a thousand bucks and crash somewhere in Baltimore for a month and move up there in June? I could really use a month to adjust. But I am unemployed a week from now, and I could really use that thousand dollars. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yea, CRAP.

Ya Give Me Fever...

[Many Baltimore roads and sidewalks are impassable, but when I really needed to shake off the cabin fever, I knew Dougherty's would not let me down. This passageway to their door was cut through a hard packed snowplow pile that was easily three feet tall and six feet from street to sidewalk. Because this is Baltimore, and that's how we roll.]

And more flakes are falling, even as I write this! Though relatively speaking, this is supposedly going to just be "a dusting". We'll see. Even the forecasters are admitting this thing could go either way and they have no idea how much we will get.

All I can say is, thank goodness for neighbors with four-wheel drive. Thank goodness for neighbors, period! One of the many things I love about this town. See, this is my car (a.k.a. C.K. Dexter Haven) at the moment:

Poor Dexter. I miss him. I put the cover on him before the first big storm and haven't seen him since. What was that, two weeks ago? I have lost all track of time. I was doing just fine, had plenty of "supplies", but I was down to the last can of dog food for each of my dogs. So neighbor Pete drove me to the vet for Max's food and the pet store for Timmy's food. Pete even drove me to my hair appointment in Fells Point yesterday, when I couldn't get a cab. Though I guess I will have to find one to and from my class at the Creative Alliance tomorrow night.

Later this week I am going to New York for a couple days, to see some friends and to (bump, bump, BAAAAAAHHH!!!!) take the written test for the Director's Guild of America Assistant Directors Training Program. Which happens to be taking place ONE BLOCK from where a good friend of mine lives, so I will be able to (in theory) get an extra hour of sleep. I have to be there at SEVEN A.M. Ouch. Though my dogs have me up that early all the time. But once I feed them they often let me go back to sleep.

Not so this Saturday. Again, thank goodness for neighbors, as other neighbors, my dogs' "Uncles" Phil & Ron will be taking care of my guys while I am in NYC taking this test. It is 4 to 5 hours long! I'm not scared, though. Writing is my thing, and I've always tested well. Still, the content is unknown and there is no way to study for it. They say it is mostly problem-solving. That is also what I do. I can't wait, actually! I am FAR more excited than I am nervous. I'll be very interested to see the mix of people taking the test. They say that about 300 people apply to the New York Program each year and they only accept 5 to 7. I don't know how many people they cut just from the application stage, but that step was my biggest concern, actually, and I am past that at least.

The snow was kind of stressing me out, though, only in that it might impede me from actually getting to New York. I had planned on taking the Bolt bus, which leaves a few blocks away from my house and would be $40 round trip maximum. But last week I decided I just coudn't chance it, so I shelled out almost 3 times that much, $115, for a train ticket. I prefer traveling by train, But I'd even more prefer having that extra $75 in my pocket, especially as I have less than two weeks left of gainful employment. But I cannot take the slightest chance of not making it to this test.

That's really all I have to say about that for now, though. I'm not the type to wring my hands over, "what if it doesn't happen? What if I don't get in?" The only thing I can do about it is to do my best, and let the cards fall where they may.

In other movie news, there are a couple of indie screenings in town that I am very excited about. Tonight, as a matter of fact, Regina Guy dies a horrible death in the local indie horror, "President's Day," at the Charles Theater, 7:30pm. The only thing Regina likes better than being onscreen is being killed onscreen. I've seen some of the movie stills... and I think I am going to be watching a great deal of this movie from between my fingers, with my hands over my eyes. Next week, "Heaven Burns," is screening in Towson. I know a bunch of people who worked on that and I have heard great things, so I am very excited to check that out also.

The horror short I am working on with Zinnia Films will be kicking off soon, though we have to postpone shooting the exteriors for obvious reasons, not the least of which is, there is no place to park in this town! Side streets where it is legal to park are a mess, and for now it is still illegal to park on the main corridors because it is still a Snow Emergency. They towed 15 to 20 cars off my block of Calvert Street last night, starting at midnight. Bet there were a lot of ticked off people this morning.

It is almost a good thing I will be unemployed in March, because between Jason's (Zinnia Films) movie (10-12 shooting days, including about 48 hours in Bethany/Ocean City), Steve Yeager's movie (probably 6-7 shooting days), teaching my pre-production class at the Creative Alliance on Saturday, March 27th, and attending the Stonehenge auditions in D.C. (shooting schedules permitting) on March 28th, I might have only 9 or so days that I am not committed to something. Plus two other people's projects that I might get involved with on top of those. Oh, well, it should keep me out of trouble at least. Yea, right.

Tune in next week to hear about my jaunt to the Big Apple! Drive safely!