Warding Off the PPD

[Driving around Lake Harmony last autumn, likely my temporary home in May]

It is 11:05p.m. on a Monday night, and I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything film-related today, and other than making a couple phone calls and/or emails, I don't have to do anything film-related tomorrow, either. It is quiet as a tomb (if a tomb had two little dogs sniffing around, and was located on a rather busy Baltimore street) in my apartment. It is nice. I got the whole way through a movie ("Stranger Than Fiction") without the phone ringing once or even beeping with a text message. Ah, bliss.

But it won't last for long - the quiet, not the bliss. Bliss comes in many forms, for a Gemini like myself. Wednesday I am finally back on the set with Steve Yeager's project, "The Rosens", filming in Towson Diner and Bel-Loc Diner. Should be good. Thursday and Friday, filming in D.C. on a new short written and directed by my friend Mark Aguirre, called, "Rock Creek". It is good to stay busy, though after "Rock Creek," wraps, I can't take on any other film projects until I move at the end of April. I have too much to do.

We wrapped principle photography on "Lamplight" Sunday night. It was bittersweet, at least to me, but I think to most everyone actually. We had a really good cast and crew, everyone got along beautifully and we had a lot of fun. We have a few more pick-ups, but we can only do one scene now, have to wait for Johnny Alonso to get back into town, probably in May, to finish the other shots. He is busy on several different projects all over the world (literally) between now and then, mostly with his television show "NASA 360" which airs on the Discovery Channel.

After knowing Johnny peripherally for a couple years (we know lots of the same people, but had never really worked together, just run into each other at various screenings) not only do we get to work on a set, but we get to be in a scene together, which we shot last night. Speaking as an A.D., Johnny is a total pro and a pleasure to work with, but speaking as a non-actor who had to act in a scene with him, I can't even explain to you how many extra miles he goes for the scene, and for the people he is working with. What am I talking about? Of course I can! That's what I do!

As I have said before, I am not an actor, but taking on a small role now and then helps to keep me on my toes and helps me to be a better director by putting myself in the actor's shoes. My role(s) in "Lamplight," however, were the first time that I was not playing myself or a character based on myself. It was concurrently more fun and more nerve-wracking that way.

I had three scenes total, two as the lead character Perry's mother in flashback scenes, which we shot earlier in production. In those scenes it was a very small set, and I was fairly comfortable though still a little nervous. We shot one scene Saturday night that was a hoot in some ways and horrifying in others. The horrifying part was that I had to say mean things about a little boy, and that really was not easy at all, but Jason walked me through it beautifully. The fun part was that I got to be in a scene with Regina Guy (now we have starred in two movies together, this and "The Red-Headed Menace"!), and also this hilarious, pure(in?)bred Baltimorean named Butchie. Zinnia Films made a documentary about Butchie called, "Southside Survivor," that hopefully will be screening within the year. I've seen some clips and it is fantastic. It was a treat to meet Butchie and play opposite him, even just for a couple lines. He had me and Regina laughing so hard it was difficult to do the serious part of the scene after he left, but we managed. Butchie (and a 6-pack of Natty Boh, and a couple shots of Amaretto) helped me to relax and I think I did all right.

During my close-up, at the end of one of the takes, I was laughing. I was a little bit drunk at this point, if I am to be honest. I told Jason way back in January after I read the script for the first time, that if it was all right with him, I'd rather actually be drinking than trying to act drunk, as I don't trust my skills that much yet. In the script there is some flashback stuff where the mother is laughing and I knew we would have to do that at some point. It is so hard to fake laugh without it seeming fake! But at the end of this particular take, I was really laughing, and Regina was sitting across the table from me. The camera was close on me, so it didn't matter what she did, she just couldn't make any noise. I knew if I kept it going, honestly laughing, that Jason would let me roll with it and then I wouldn't have to fake it later and have it be awful. Me laughing was causing Regina to laugh but she had to stifle it, which made me laugh even harder... which made her want to laugh even harder, which made me laugh even more than that, which made everyone in the room have to control themselves from laughing, which made me laugh so hard and so long before Jason finally yelled, "CUT!" that I am sure my face was turning red and I was breaking into a sweat. I even had a bit of a head rush and had a headache for a few minutes.

I don't know how it looks because I don't want to see it for awhile, and I especially did not want to see myself on camera before gearing up to do the scene with Johnny yesterday. Very rarely does any good come out of showing the actors their dailies (footage) before production is wrapped, in my opinion. If an actor asked me to see their footage, I would say no, so I was not about to break my own rules and ask to see it. Even when Dave was playing back some of it on his Macbook Pro the next day, I walked away so I couldn't see it. But I could hear them playing the part where I was laughing, and at least it sounded authentic, which it damn well should have! I almost busted a blood vessel!

Anyway, in my scene with Johnny, I play a bar owner that reminds him of his mom and he loses his shit on me. He blew up at me and it was great, and for his close-ups he looked totally insane. I think he freaked some of the extras out. When it came time for my close-ups, we did it once with Johnny feeding me his lines and it felt pretty good but I could feel myself anticipating too much and I was afraid it didn't look great. Plus, because of where the camera was, Johnny couldn't actually sit in front of me, so I had to look where he had been sitting and pretend I was looking into his crazy eyes like I was in the wide shot, even though he was standing a foot to the right of that spot. For the second take, I asked Johnny, I told him I needed him to really flip on me to get a real reaction, because this just isn't what I do. Johnny is always conscientious of the other actors in his scenes so I knew he would only take it as far as he thought I was comfortable with (which was still pretty far), but I also knew if I gave him license to totally freak on me he would bring it. He screamed at me like a maniac, and afterwards Jason said my reactions looked great. He honestly did shake me up a bit.

But now it is over, pretty much. It is good to have other projects in the wings, to ease me out of production mode day by day over the next two weeks, but "Lamplight" was really special, even to the point of me second-guessing myself about where I am going and what I am doing. Now I have even more, new, friends telling me they don't want me to move away, or telling me they are sad that I will be moving so soon after meeting me... and maybe even some who won't bother getting to know me better because I will be leaving so soon. It is only to New York, I tell them. It's really not that far.

That is what I have to keep telling myself, too. Damn my Gemini self. One part of me can't wait to launch a new adventure. My other internal half is hoping that something or someone will make it impossible to leave. I don't want to cop out due to my fears, and I do have some. I am starting to remember how I felt when I first came to Baltimore, not knowing one single person here, and leaving an incredible, tightly-knit group of friends behind in D.C. My first six months in Baltimore were excruciatingly lonely, and many nights I laid in bed wondering if I had made the biggest mistake in my life. There was nothing terrible in D.C., nothing that drove me out of there. I missed my friends so much sometimes it made me physically ill. But moving to Baltimore, did, in fact, turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Well, we shall see what happens. Nothing is in stone. But... I can't wimp out, either. I couldn't face myself if I felt I was wimping out. I am feeling very confused at the moment, and I am certain that Post-Production Depression is playing a part in that confusion. I have plans to go up to Mikey's cabin one weekend next month. I have to first drive to my hometown to bring some stuff to my Mom's for her to store for me. Then I am going to snag my best friend from high school, Lauren, and take her to the cabin with me, to get us each a weekend away from our respective responsibilities, as well as some fun time together, which we haven't had since last August. I think it will help me put things in perspective. Being at Lake Harmony always helps me to sweep the cobwebs and confusion from my brain, and at this crossroads in my life, I think it is most appropriate that Lauren come along for the ride, and even more appropriate that this getaway take place at Mikey's cabin. I have known Lauren for almost three decades; I have known Mikey for almost two. For all but a few years of that time, I have not lived in the same area as either one of them, but they are and I am certain shall remain for the rest of our lives, two of my very, very closest friends. I know what I want and I need to make some decisions about where the best place is for me to be, geographically speaking, to get it. I have to trust that a little thing like geography won't interfere with my personal relationships. They might take a little extra effort, but it IS only New York.

Nuff Said

[The only pic I took during my NYC visit last month. The wait was 90 minutes to go to the top of the Empire State Building so I just took this snap in the lobby.]

Ugh, sorry about all this whining lately. Feeling sorry for myself is not an emotion I am used to, it's kinda gross. I'm done now.

So, everyone keeps asking me, now what? Now that I have been stripped of my dreams, my heart wrenched from my chest, my --- oops, sorry, there I go again. Just kidding, really. I was very upset when I got the letter saying I was not getting into the DGA training program. But, my friend Greg bought me a pity dinner and my friends have been very supportive, and in some strange way it is another weight off my shoulders. Now I am totally free to carve my own path.

And since absolutely nothing is in stone, I can change the plan up on a whim. Right now I am thinking that I will first spend most of May up at Mikey's cabin, and maybe finally make that short that got cancelled last November. My birthday is on Memorial Day this year, so I need to be at a racetrack with friends on that day, it is tradition (especially after I won $2,700 at Charlestown last year on a $2 bet!)! Then we need to go back to the beach for the final scenes of "Lamplight". After that I think I will jump in my Mustang with my dogs and take that cross-country trip I was talking about before all this DGA stuff came up. And then, move to New York.

My friends keep telling me they don't want me to leave, which is nice to hear, but as they pull me closer to them with one hand, they push me out the door with the other because they all are excited about having a free place to stay in New York! I haven't completely ruled out staying in Baltimore, but it would take something amazing falling from the sky and into my lap. I keep saying that, and people ask me what I mean, what exactly would it take. It would take a film-related job with a decent salary and a future, room for growth, not just treading water. Something I couldn't say no to. If I settled for less than that, I feel like I would be copping out, because the thought of moving to NYC is a little scary. But, 12 years ago I came to Baltimore without knowing a soul and made it my own. 11 years ago I had never left the country, and now I know Paris like the back of my hand, and have crash pads from London to Budapest. New York is daunting, but that is the challenge of it. I can do it again.

But first, that road trip. I was talking about it to some people last night. When I see other people's eyes light up and they say to me, "That would be so cool!" I know I am on the right track. My plan may be in flux, but one thing is in stone: it is my goal, always, to have other people live vicariously through me :) . Somebody has to go out there and have adventures, I want it to be me!

"Unfortunately..."

...a word I am all too familiar with. It is almost guaranteed to be lurking within the first three to five sentences of a rejection letter from any given film festival, including the SENE Festival (South East New England, I think), the last remaining festival I was waiting to hear back from. I was not terribly disappointed, except for the fact that it is yet ANOTHER fest my friend Adam Bronstein's film, "My Movie Girl," did get into, and we kept hoping that we would get to screen together again (we met in Philly last year when we both screened there). But, I am very happy for Adam. For me, it was a small relief not to have to spend money on travel expenses for a fest, now that I am unemployed.

But far more unfortunately, this sinister word also jumped out of another envelope I received yesterday - this one from the Director's Guild of America, telling me I did not make it to the first round of in-person interviews for the program. I won't lie, that one hurts a bit more. Well, all right, I did just lie - that one hurts a lot more.

I opened this literally as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with some friends. I felt sick but I went out anyway. I really just wanted to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling and consider what my options are now and start making decisions about what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life, the next 3 to 6 months in particular.

It still makes the most sense for me to move to New York. But now I don't HAVE to do that by June. Now I can maybe take that extensive road trip I have been daydreaming about. I still have $400 worthof Shell gas cards sitting in my desk. that equals about 8,000 miles (highway) in my car. Not a bad start.

Well, I have a few weeks, maybe more if I go up to Mikey's cabin for the month of May, to figure things out. Right now I am wrapping my mind around purging my belongings. I sold one of my televisions a few days ago, and as I write this a woman is on her way to pick up a piece of Belleek porcelain I am selling. God Bless Craigslist. Though be careful if you use it these days, I have been BOMBARDED with people phishing for my personal info. Annoys the piss out of me.

I am in a mood, to be sure. Glad we don't have any filming and I don't have any personal plans for a few days. I wouldn't be pleasant company. I'll be fine. I have just been living in limbo for so long, I was really hoping for a solid plan for a couple years, in the DGA program. I just have to rethink things and approach them from a different angle. If I wasn't going to get into the program, I have said all along that I wouldn't even want to go to the first interview, wait a month, second interview, wait a month, and THEN get turned down. I'd much rather know now. And now I know.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

What's In Your Backpack?

I went to see, "Up In The Air," last night at the Landmark Theater in Harbor East with my friend Elizabeth. I do love that theater. Most comfortable seats EVER, a BAR, and you can take your drinks in with you!

Afterwards we went to Lebanese Taverna (I think that is what it is called) for some foodage. It was a fun night, but Elizabeth liked the movie more than I did. I left the theater wondering what all the fuss had been about. I mean there is subtle, and then there is boring. I think it would have been more interesting if it were totally indie-fied with an unknown but quirkier actor in the lead. And that is saying something, coming from me - I never thought I'd complain about looking at George Clooney for an hour and a half!

Maybe I just couldn't get into the story because it is too close to home at the moment. I just got "let go," for the first time in my entire life. Laid off, through no fault of my own (it says that in the letter - I didn't get a "packet")... no longer needed, no longer necessary. Even though I knew it was coming, even though it is "through no fault of my own", even though in some ways I couldn't wait for this to happen... it is still weird, scary, and a bit depressing.

Clooney's character, Ryan Bingham, flies all over the country as a hired gun - he fires people for a living. He loves being on the road, in the air, no strings attached. I can relate to that. I'll try not to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but you can probably guess that through a set of circumstances Bingham has to learn that grounded is good. Well, maybe it is, for some people. Maybe even most people. But, I don't know... it just seemed like conforming for the sake of conformity to me.

Bingham, from time to time, is a motivational speaker. "What's in Your Backpack?" He teaches people to lighten their load, cut their strings to both physical, tangible property that ties them down, as well as superfluous relationships. And I am on board with a lot of that. Maybe that is why through most of the film I was just like, "...aaaaand?" while maybe I was SUPPOSED to be shocked that this guy was shallow or clueless. I don't think he was either, though he definitely was lonely. One thing I am definitely not.

But I think one of the reasons I am not lonely, even though I am single, is because I don't waste time being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship - not just dating-wise, but friendships, too. That probably sounds more harsh than I intend it to. I just mean that I will take quality over quantity any day. I do have a lot of friends, fantastic friends, I am truly blessed. But I am not one of those that has over a thousand facebook friends so I can feel good about myself, I am not someone who every time I make a new friend I ditch all my other friends to spend time with the new one, until the novelty wears off. I am open to new friendships and relationships, but the purpose of that, to me, is to find something substantial. Not rack up my numbers.

Tonight I turned down dinner with my friend Greg (though I am going to see him Monday night) because I needed to start working through my belongings, deciding what I am going to try to sell, keep, toss. Lightening my load. I went through my Wedgwood collection (the pendant in the photo is one of the pieces I am selling) to see what I wanted to ditch. I collected Wedgwood for years, but even so, only functional pieces, for the most part, things I could use like jewelry, or trinket boxes ( to put the jewelry in). (One of my rules at Christmas with my family is, "Nothing I need to dust!") I have a nice little collection and some great pieces. But out of maybe 30 to 35 pieces that I own, I had to admit to myself that I am only emotionally attached to 4 or 5 of them. I started taking photos and putting them on Craigslist.

So now it is like a game, I look around and hack away at these weighty belongings with a machete of indifference. I am selling my wedding china. It is gorgeous, Lenox's Autumn pattern. But I haven't been married since the 90s. The early 90s.

I was a little hesitant to tell my Mom about selling the china, since she bought many of the pieces for me over the years. She didn't say much, but I am sure it annoys her a little bit, which is not my intention. I know that she is proud of me for carving out my own path in life, proud of what I have accomplished so far and where I am heading. She should be as proud or prouder that she raised a daughter (and a son for that matter, my brother is the same way) who is not materialistic. It is a long hike from Baltimore to New York. I mean that more metaphorically than I do literally. My backpack needs to be very, very light. I have a feeling a lot more is going to be going into it, very soon. I need to make room.

Not So Ready for My Close-Up (but doing it anyway...)

[The glamorous life of an indie film director - Jason Koch dresses his own set for "Lamplight"]

Ten hours on the set Sunday, filming in Muggsy's Bar in Federal Hill. A long day, but a lot of fun. I brought in my favorite All Stars - Regina Guy, Unique Dowtin, and Joey "SuperJoe" Kasura. Put them together with Jason and Dave and their crew plus Johnny Alonso and superb cast... we couldn't have had a bad day if we tried. Knock on wood!

It was one of our longest and toughest days, so nice to get it out of the way early on. Shot some more on Monday, on our main set/studio with a smaller crew and cast. First we shot Gideon, our youngest cast member, DP Dave Morley's four year old son. He did a great job and he is absolutely adorable. Then we shot my first scene - I am actually in the movie. I think it went well, Jason seemed happy and we only ran it a few times. When I first got to the set, Jason laughed and said, "I've never seen you so dressed down!" which was actually a (back-handed) compliment because I was supposed to look rather white trash-y. One of the reasons I agreed to do the role was because (a) it was small, and (b) it is a dual role - I get to play two characters. When I was little, my favorite reruns - weren't they everyone's? - of "Bewitched," and "I Dream of Jeannie," were the ones where Elizabeth Montgomery and Barbara Eden played their own evil cousin/sister.

I would say this was my fourth time on camera in a role, and it is getting a little easier each time, though I would not go so far as to say that I love it. I find it more interesting than anything, and a learning experience that definitely makes me a better director. I have a great deal of respect for actors, even though I am still not certain that I will ever understand why the people who do it love it so much. I would like to understand that, truly. But though I have a lot of friends who are actors, I think at our respective cores we are very different people and I don't know that I will ever totally "get" it. I guess that is why they do what they do and I do what I do. Even though I don't understand every little aspect, it is still an enjoyable and symbiotic experience.

I will say that I was glad to get my scene over with early in the day, when it was just me, (Director) Jason, (DP) Dave, and Brendan (sound) on the set. I looked like a bum and my hair was awful. But that was part of the challenge of it, to swallow my pride and have this image of me, far from my finest, recorded for posterity, not to mention all time. I have been in the situation as a director more than once where one of my actors is having a hard time because they don't want to play the fool or look unattractive, as if the audience would believe that that is really who they are and they will be branded for life. But some of it is an ego thing and they simply do not want to look bad on camera. By doing it myself, now I know how it feels and how better to work with actors when I need to convince them to play their role more convincingly. I think it is really a challenge and I can't wait to see the final product. I didn't ask to see the dailies (today's footage), I knew I would cringe at how I looked. When Dave was setting up the shot I could see him filming me from the most unflattering angle possible so I asked Jason to turn the monitor so I couldn't see it. It was very hard not to put in my two cents and ask him to shoot from a different angle, but then I would be breaking one of my own hard and fast rules on the set: do your job, and only your job. If you are an actor, act. Don't tell the cameraperson or the director how they should do their job. An actor on my set who would do that would get the Look of Death from me in the blink of an eye. I had to follow my own rule.

I have to look crappy and tacky in another scene as the same character, and be mean and heartless, but in a third scene I get to look more myself, and slightly less mean and heartless, even though I cause another character to have a mental meltdown. Can't wait!

And We're Rolling!

[Me having a fake fight with Director Jason Koch on Day 1 of shooting in Ocean City. DP Dave Morley has dubbed us, "Bad Cop, Worse Cop." Guess which one I am? Photo by Johnny Alonso.]

Hurray! It is good to be back on the set. Especially when being on the set includes spending a night at my Uncle Paul's in Bethany Beach so that we could be in Ocean City semi-bright & early. Jason and I went out Wednesday night, DP Dave Morley and our lead Johnny Alonso met us in Ocean City at 9:00am Thursday. We shot for a couple hours, just moody stuff of Johnny by himself on the beach. It was pretty cool being in Ocean City while it was a ghost town.

Had some lunch then our convoy dispersed to reassemble 3 hours later at Gunpowder Falls near Baltimore for more shots of Johnny alone, but this time in the woods. We were done before 5:00pm. Maryland is such a great place to make a movie. We have it all - beach, woods, mountains, city, farmland, the bay... pretty much everything but desert!

I have to make this short because I should have already put out call sheets for Monday and Wednesday. There are only a few of us on those days, but tomorrow is a big shooting day at a bar in Federal Hill, and I don't think we have enough extras so I better get to work. My first week of unemployment and I am busier than I have been in months! And happier, too.